yesterday at work while I was in the washroom, I stood up, and for a moment saw myself pants down in the mirror, seeing everything. I dont think I could possibly explain how ugly that part of me seems to me, how ... wrong it feels to have male parts.

I actually cried at the sight.

Sigh.

well, I planned to meet a friend for lunch today, so I got a little femmed up for the occasion - skirt, hose, heels, necklace, lipstick and eye shadow. I had a nice lunch, and am doing my laundry with no hurry to change into pants for work. Its hard for me to explain to someone who isnt trans how .... nice a feeling this is.

Well, despite the temptation to wallow in feeling down, I'm fighting back. Yeah, sometimes, life sucks, but you got to carry on. Its not in good times you find out who you are, but how you deal with troubles. So I'm going to keep fighting to find positive things in my life, no matter how hard I have to look. I'm a stronger woman than my fears would have me believe, and I can do this.

Well, I just came home from a tour of the school Sam will be going to in September. It looks fantastic. I think she'll do well there.

well, I'm making some progress on my "quest" story. I've now done 20 chapters, almost 30,000 words. I've also got a "road map" so I know basically where the story is going from here. The way I see it, it should take 5 more chapters to wrap things up, and if I can average just over 2,000 words per, I'll go over the magic 40,000 word mark, and have an honest-to-goodness novel on my hands.

Well, things could get very dicey here after the election. One of the candidates of the party most likely to win is on record as saying gays and lesbians will burn in hell. Now, he's trying to say he said that as a pastor, not as a politician, but the party is also on record as saying it will allow marriage commissioners to not recognize a gay couple that comes in to get married, even though gay marriage is perfectly legal here.

Sigh.

You may be familiar with a poem called "Footprints" where a person looks back on their life and realizes how often God carried them through hard times. Well, God has been walking me through some "footprints" moments the last little while. Not so much about hard times, but just how He has put me in just the right place at just the right time to receive a blessing. I could give lots of examples, but two really stand out for me. First is the very existence and presence in my life of my daughter.

I was listening to the radio the other day, and this woman was talking about being able to see blessings even in some hard times. Now considering she had been raped by her father, that's pretty amazing ability. So it got me thinking, can I find a blessing in being trans? Well, maybe there are some. I think I've become more patient of the failings of others, and more grateful for the moments of femininity I get than I probably would have been if I had been born fully female.

Maybe, as I grow as both a woman and a Christian, I will find even more blessings. I pray it will be so.

well, I'm a little shaky thanks to a conversation with someone on the support site I belong to. She told me she was being used by her own father for sex, something she described in some detail, and she refused any idea of reporting him or stopping him.

I ache in grief for her, but I had to let her go because considering my background, it was all I could do to not throw up while she was talking, and I got very upset at her lack of interest in helping herself.

Ah, well.

Well, had a couple of very nice moments yesterday. First, while taking out the garbage before going to work, and the person who lives at the end of my row came out with a small dog, who had to give me a sniff. He said, "Dont worry puppy - she's a nice lady."

Now, I was dressed in my work shirt and pants under my coat, no wig, no makeup, and this guy who has no idea about me called me a lady which made me actually start to cry with happiness, and then when I got to work a co-worker complimented me on my hair which just about sent me over the moon.

Things are getting better, yes?

Finally finished "The Dead Kid." Its the last time I put up a story here without actually finishing it, as people probably gave up on the story. Ah, well.

for the 2nd time in the last 3 days I had a nightmare. I thought all the rape counseling and stuff was supposed to help me with this crap?

well, my ex managed to catch pneumonia, so she'll be very sick for a couple of days. I hope she gets better soon. I may not like how she thinks in terms of my transition, but I dont want her hurt.

Well, last night some co-workers and I were talking, and the subject of sex ed came up. Suddenly, i had something like a flashback of taking sex ed in elementary myself, and realizing for the first time that the equipment I had in my pants wasnt suddenly going to drop off leaving me with a nice girl set. (Until we were taught better, that seemed to be the prevailing opinion on how girls got made) I suddenly remembered being actually sick with grief afterward, but not really knowing why.

Take that for what it is, I guess.

Well, yesterday, I got a gift from a friend that helped pull me out of my depression. I had gone to lunch with her, and talked about my struggles, and she told me I have pretty feminine features and manners.

This is the sort of stuff I need to hold on to when I start feeling like I cant ever pass, or any of the other garbage that runs through my head regularly.

But today, I'm fighting feeling like a failure, a fake, and generally f*ed up.

Sigh.

Just wanted to apologize. The last part of "Here comes the troubleshooter" is being delayed by real life. I need to be in a good mind-set to write, and I don't have it right now. I'm tired, worried, depressed, and would very much like all this crap to subside long enough for me to catch my breath.

Ah, well.

I've been thinking about what the counselor said to me about having some kind of mourning ritual for the things of my past. Obviously, I couldnt do all of them in one go, so the first thing I would need to do is try and separate them out so I can tackle them one at at time. With that in mind, I've created a little grief list, and here it is, in chronological order:

1: my father's death. How do I say goodbye to someone I knew more by their absence than their presence ?

Well, tomorrow is going to be a very, very busy day. I get off work at 7 am, go to counseling, and then go to Sam's birthday party (we're holding it at a bowling alley.) So I probably wont be online. Stay safe, everyone.

I was reading a story that mentioned some things that girls apparently do instinctively, and it set off a round of "TG PMS" where I found myself wondering - do I do those things? Did I do them as a child? And what if I didnt, what does that make me? I'll be okay, it will pass, but it sucks.