There are some trans people who somehow never doubt who they are, and can easily withstand any pressure to be anybody else.

But not me, I get moments of doubt.

When I was young, this doubt came partially out of fear - the fear that I had to be insane to have this feeling of femininity coming out of a body that was anything but female. So trying to disbelieve the feelings came a form of protection against that fear.

Well, I had a better day at work last night, and now I'm off for a couple, so I'm going to try and get a few things accomplished. But its not all rosy, as you can guess by the title of this entry, and that's because there are things in my head that kinda scare me, and I have a number of almost-mental-illness like conditions that are less than fun.

They include having some OCD-like traits -I'm not a neat freak, or a germ freak, but I have a number of "magic" little routines that seem to serve no purpose other than keep me calm. ...

Well, the last couple of days I've been in the domestic department, but when the regular staffer came back from her weekend you would have thought I turned the whole department upside down. She actually swore at me, about me, and it was not a fun experience. My trouble with such stuff is that faced with something like that, I tend to turtle and often internalize whatever is being said to me.

This leads me to a point I've been thinking about for the last while.

I'm broken.

Well, yesterday I came out to my daughter's teacher, basically to get her to watch out for any signs that Sam is getting bullied because of my transition. Coming out wasnt that big a deal - to either of us, based on her reaction, but I felt better for taking a step to help deal with the anxiety I was having over Sam. Hmmm. Actually DOING something proactive? Could be a good idea for other stuff too...

There have been a number of news articles lately about supposed Christians acting hatefully towards gay, lesbians, or trans people.

But fortunately, not all Christians are like that, even ones who think its a sin.

A couple of people I can point to as examples of that is my brother and sister-in-law.

No matter how much they may think I'm making a mistake in transitioning, they continue to show love and support to me even when I was acting in a way that made me less than loveable.

Just wanted to give them some props for this.

Outside my mother's room is a charcoal portrait of me, taken in my 20's. I have a mustache in the picture, and for many years its been a bit of a challenge to not look at that painting without feeling a bit pained.

But yesterday, I happened to glance at it, and somehow, something had changed. Like one of the hidden images in some pictures, all of a sudden I could honestly see a girl in that face, even with the facial hair.

Make of that what you will.

Every morning, I get up, look at this body of mine, and wonder how I can possibly make being female work. I mean, put it in a suit and have it lose 50 pounds, and it would probably be called "handsome".

And yet here I am, trying to change that, and somehow make this body pass as a woman's.

Its dam hard, and sometimes, it feels like a hopeless task, so why do I bother?

I've never had enough discipline in my life to reach any goal I've set, so why do I think this will be any different than when I tried to become a nurse, or before that a teacher?

Well, finished dealing with the insurance company for the moment, and I got both the bad news and the worse news. The bad news is that due to the non-payment I was cut off as of April 1, and to re-start a policy I'm going to have to pay the yearly cost up front. So somehow over the next little bit I'm going to have to come up with 18,000 $ up front to have coverage for the upcoming year.

When I was a very young creature of uncertain gender, my brother began having vision troubles that ended with him having operations and needing to wear glasses. Not long after, I began to complain about my eyes as well, but something funny happened.

Nobody believed me.

They assumed that I was just trying to being like my big brother, and so patted me on the head, and told me to stop being silly.

It took months before my teacher finally told my parents to have my eyes actually checked, and it turned out I did indeed need glasses, and I wear them to this day.

Well, yesterday I made the first steps to getting myself out of the hole I've dug. My brother took me to the police station and I made my statement regarding the accident, and was given a ticket for distracted driving. My insurance company is closed for the holiday weekend (Its Victoria Day Monday), so the next step will be on Tuesday, and that one could be worse.

Sorry for the drama everyone. I'm okay, I'll be okay. Yeah, I probably made my life a thousand times more difficult, but somehow, I'll find a way through this. My feelings came out of exhaustion, hormones, and being an UN-medicated bipolar person with a life history that has produced a "failure tape" - a list of my mistakes that seems ready to play over and over again in my head at a moment's notice.

Last night while I was puttering around here I got a message that someone wanted to talk. Turned out it was a young woman who was feeling suicidal. Among other things, she was struggling with having been sexually abused at a very young age. She sounded quite serious about killing herself, saying she had a wire around her neck, and I desperately begged her not to do it. I used every argument I could think of, and got her to take off the wire. Eventually, she signed off to go to bed, so I can only hope she will seek some professional help. I hope I helped her.

Got called a "monster" by some kids at Sam's school today, and a kid was told, "Look out, its headed your way."

I have no idea where this came from, or what I could have possibly done to deserve that, but it kinda hurt.

Ah, well.

Well, my weekend has been pretty full so far. First, on Saturday morning at work, I pulled my knee and spent the last hour or so basically doing my job on one leg. Its not hurting now, but its a reminder that one day, and probably sooner than I would like, I'll be either disabled or looking for another job, or both ....

Then Saturday evening I had the dinner for my mom and ex in celebration of Mother's day. Went okay, except having my mom use the male pronoun stung ....

well, today isnt a bad day so far, but I'm feeling a tad grumpy, and I'm not really sure why. Its not one of my black dog days, where I have to fight off feeling like a worthless failure. Its not even one of those days where I feel like a fake, that I will never be a "real" woman no matter what I do. Its just a blech day, and I guess those happen sometimes.

Ah, well.