My throat hurts, and I dont feel very well. At least I got a couple days off before I have to deal with work again, but watching Sam can be exhausting.

They say confession is good for the soul, but bad for the reputation, so I might as well find out if they're right by making a confession of my own.

There are bits of my mind that scare the heck out of me.

Sometimes it feels like I may not be alone in my head, and somewhere in the boatload of darkness inside me there is something, or someone else.

And that something or someone isnt a nice critter in any way, shape or form.

I am a person who doubts almost everything. probably because I already believe in two completely impossible things already, and despite what Alice in Wonderland recommended, that's probably my limit, or maybe even over it.

What makes my impossibilities even harder to deal with is the fact that they are regarded as totally incompatible with each other in the sense that people who have tried to assure me that one is impossible, almost always believe that the other exists.

What are these two impossibilities?

Simple. The existence of God, and the existence of Dorothy.

An apology, to all who called me on my being a drama queen over the incident with my car. I just got off the phone with the insurance company, and it turns out I'm NOT going to have to have a year's worth of coverage up front. Once again, what looked to me like a mountain turns out to be a mole-hill, and boy is my face red over my over-reaction.

Hopefully, this is a lesson I can learn for the next time something happens - dont make more trouble than is actually there, and take it one breath at a time.

Thanks to everyone who puts up with me anyway.

Reading Amy's latest story has given me an idea. Most of you know my history, but just imagine what if the doctor who abused me instead helped me? What might have happened? I'm going to noodle that and see where it goes ....

On a completely lighter note from my last couple of blogs, I have passed the three-year mark here a little while ago, and in celebration of that, I would like to thank all the wonderful people here.

First, Erin and her administrator elves, take a bow. I only wish I could do more than just say how amazing you guys all are.

Secondly, to all the members of "Team Dorothy" who put up with me. You guys rock!

Lastly, but not leastly, to all the people who have left comments on any of my stories, bless you all.

Well, today I have to deal with the insurance company, and to say I'm not looking forward to it is an understatement. This is like going to the principal's office as a kid, only a thousand times worse, because if I walk out of there without coverage I will lose my job, hurt my family, and generally make my life suck for the foreseeable future.

I'm scared, which always brings out the PTSD, so I'm having the shakes so bad its hard to even type.

Many, many years ago, I accidentally slammed a car door on my brother's fingers. Afterward, I had an almost PTSD reaction to the event - I had nightmares about it, had it replay over and over again in my mind, and to this day can get a little leery about closing a car door when I have any passengers.

The point of me sharing this little story is that I seem sort of primed for trauma. And if a minor event like that can set me off, you can just imagine what's going on in my head right now.

Well, I've managed to screw my life up for the last time. I was driving home from work today and hit another car, doing serious damage to both vehicles. To make matters worse, I've been having troubles with payments on my car insurance, so I'm not sure I'm covered at the moment.

This just goes to show that it makes no difference if I'm Todd or Dorothy, I'm still a fuck up, and nothing will ever change that. So I'm going to throw everything away associated with Dorothy, and quit living in fantasy land.

Byes.

That's what my daughter said to me tonight. She even added "Even if you become a girl, you'll still be a great dad."

Kids, huh?

Well, yesterday was a bit of a mixed day. First, the good - I was pain-free, and that's a very good thing. Second, the bad. I had a nasty little flashback at work, so bad I felt like I couldnt breathe properly, and I was stuttering. Fortunately it didnt last too long, so I didnt miss any of my work. Last, the I-dont-know-what-to-think - I had a bit of an argument with my ex last night, and in the process learned that she understands perfectly what I'm doing, and thinks I'm crazy, but she shows no signs of keeping Sam from me.

Make of this what you will.

Well, tomorrow is Mother's day, and my store has been pushing hard for sales, but looking at all the pink signs pointing out discounts on home appliances, weepy movies, and flowery perfumes got me wondering.

What if you had a mom who didnt fit the nice neat little stereotype? What if your mom would prefer to watch an action film than a three-hankie weepie? What if she's more comfortable with power tools than with knitting needles? Do those types of moms get left behind?

I got one strange piece of advice from my councilor yesterday, and that was that I should flirt with people - not in a "I'd like to date you" kind of way, but be friendly and complimentary and social. I'm not entirely sure I know how to "flirt" causally as a male would, much less how a woman does it, so it could be interesting ...

I had a spiritual moment today on my way home from watching "The Avengers". All of a sudden, I felt .... connected to everything around me. That me being trans isnt a mistake or sin but exactly what I'm supposed to be at this moment. I cant do justice to it, but it was amazing, and comforting.

I'm so tired of nightmares.

So tired of flashbacks.

So tired of feeling soiled and broken.

So tired of paying for a crime that not only am I innocent of, but am the victim.

The rape counseling is helping, but the above happens far often for my liking.

ah, well.

Well, I just came back from seeing the gender specialist, and I have great news. He's set up an appointment for me to get my 2nd opinion for December, and assuming that doc signs off on me, He will help me push the Alberta Government to cover the cost of my surgery.

This could actually happen.

In a couple of years, I could be female in body as I am in heart.

I'm so happy I'm crying my eyes out.

I've been having an email conversation with my brother's pastor, who thinks this transition is a sin. I'm so tired of feeling like I'll never be accepted by my faith, and that I must choose between being a Christian, and being transgender. Ask me which leg I'd rather have removed, it would be an easier choice ...

Ah, well.

As I have noted before, I've been amazingly blessed in this journey, and now I would like to turn that situation around, and be a blessing in return. So this is my prayer at the moment:

Dear Lord, make me a blessing. Use me to bring good to the lives around me. And make me into the kind of woman who is a good example of what You can do with a willing heart.

Amen.