I'm starting to think I shouldn't drive anymore.

I had 2 scary moments driving today. I was in a turning lane that had a red light while the straight ahead light was green. And somehow both times all I saw was the green light and took the turn anyway.

sighs . . .

with the week so far!

Hey everyone,

So, as some of you may have seen on my Patreon page, late last week I started on something new to help me sleep at night and keep the nightmares at bay. The good news is it's been mostly working pretty well. I'm getting sleep and I haven't had too many bad nightmares and unlike the anti-anxiety drugs I was given a while back I can wake up if I need to.

today

today

I just had a nightmare while sleeping on my couch.

In it, some guy had me pinned to the ground with his knees holding down my arms. I pushed and wiggled, and even tried to bite his equipment through his pants, but I couldn't move him off of me.

needless to say, I'm kind of shaky

Beginning last night and continuing into this morning, I've found myself reliving my abuse, and for some reason ended up re-reading the letter I wrote to him as part of therapy which is published here:

https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/18037/letter-from-bro...

although reading it there is certainly scope for more!

Okay, so Mike and Carol brought home a new cat from a rescue shelter a couple of weeks ago, and Mom and I wondered if she would get brave enough to come down and visit us.

A couple of days ago, we spotted her exploring our rooms, but she didn't seem interested in getting close to us.

Its either that or the 'happy' pills

For most if not all my life, I've struggled against self-sabotage, and failed.

Over and over again, usually just when I started making headway, I'd do something stupid and blow everything to pieces.

If I had any hope that the work I've been doing on myself the last few years had cured me of that ailment, last night proved otherwise.

See, I went to pick up Sharon, and on the way there had to merge into the other lane because of construction, but unfortunately there was another car already there.

So, I took advantage of my manic phase yesterday. I got groceries, took some stuff to the Eco Station bought some books at a used book store. We also bought a new toaster, cause our old one died.

the toaster was one of the items that went to the Eco Station. I also bought an accordion file folder and some labels so I can go through the pile of paperwork in one of my dresser drawers

so I feel like girl who accomplished stuff.

by a whole day!

Hey everyone,

I'm just ... so tired of these nightmares. I'm tired from the lack of sleep. I'm tired of the emotional drain. I'm tired of needing to go around the house, and turn on the lights. A lot of the time, I won't remember what I dreamed about. I'll just wake up, feeling scared, or angry, or something like that. I remembered what I dreamed about last night/this morning. I'm not sure if that's better or worse.

but what is what?

Well, once again, reality turned out to be less scary than anxiety had made it out to be.

I got the brakes fixed on my car today, after stressing over it for more than a week (my repair guy was on holiday).

And instead of the thousand-plus-dollar expense I was expecting, the actual price was $460.

It takes out the last of my reserve fund, but that's what that money was for, and now I can start slowly rebuilding it.

(Breathes a sigh of relief ….)

Okay, so last night I dreamed that I had to rush to the hospital because my partner was giving birth.

And after the baby came out, they handed her to me, so I could breastfeed her . . .

weird, I know, but better than all those dreams about being lost.

Its weird to have a revelation about yourself at 55.

But I did yesterday, as I finally realized I am super tactile.

I'm always stroking my blankets, or my stuffed toys, or just about anything I can reach.

Thing is, even now being able to acknowledge this, I still have no clue why I do this.

ah, well.

My therapist had a really good insight into what happened with the writing group:

"Sometimes when we're struggling with self-hate or loathing, we find ourselves sharing vulnerable aspects of ourselves to people who have not earned the right to our most intimate selves. It's almost like a test to those around us. And if they passed one test, we push again and we push harder.

I was wondering about Thongs; they seem so sexy, and even in my dotage my thought life...I want to be sexy. So I got a pack of 3. Even after letting one "settle" in, it was not fun, especially while riding a bike. Being my normal stubborn self, I did research. Female pelvises have up to 2" inches more space for Thongs, to facilitate child birth, and to make males think unseemly thoughts.

I haven't thrown them out, but it is unlikely one will ever find its way to my skinny butt again.

Naughtily.

Gwen

So last night I brought my autobiographical piece "the house" to my writing group, and the group leader got so upset at the thought that I might be worried about hurting someone the way I was hurt got her so upset she stopped my reading, and we went on to someone else's work. So I came home in a cloud of self-hate, which wasn't helped by my sister in law reminding me this is now twice in a fairly short time I've hurt this person.

... I'm scheduled to be meeting with a therapist.

I'm not sure if I'm ready. I feel like I'm wading into a lake, and years of memories are being stirred up as I walk. The water is too murky to see my own feet, and I'm not certain how deep the lake is, or how far I can go before I slip into the deep end. Right now, just the thought of letting a complete stranger look into those waters, and see whatever might float to the surface, is a bit ... terrifying. I really hope I'm in better shape tomorrow.

It's been really rough for the last year or two, depending. Am I the only one feeling weak? I know that lots of us struggle and I have the least right to complain of anyone I know. Can't even say that I am on the Spectrum, ADHD, or anything. There really is no excuse for the way I am feeling and I feel guilty about it. I'm not suicidal or even depressed at all, not one bit.