Just wanted to send out a big "thank you" to the people who took the time to give me some support during my last tussle with the black dog of depression.

You guys and gals rock.

I'm having a real tough time, and I need my friends now.

The black dog of depression has a hold on me, and my prayers feel like they can't even reach the ceiling much less heaven.

all hugs, prayers, and encouragement appreciated.

I'm going on vacation tomorrow, early. I'll be gone for eight days, coming home late on the 14th.

I borrowed the money to finance this but the repayment is baked into my budget for the next six months. This won't cause any extra begging letters. :)

I'll have my laptop and phone with me but I won't be sitting at the computer all day, like I usually do.

Cat will be available for a lot of things, but please don't make her crazy. :)

I'll be here the rest of today and this evening.

Hugs and love to all,
Erin

Well, that was a relief!

I recently had an MRI (that's not the relief! I HATE those things!). They wanted to see if there's anything in my head. Wait a minute... That didn't come out right!

Anyway. It's a bit over 2 years since I had the surgery removing the meningioma (which was a benign tumor), and it shows no sign of growing now. YAY!

otherwise known as catching up with Maddy.

Had a really scary moment today.

We had gone to a local mall, and on our way out, I had something like a seizure in my right leg.

It started with my leg trembling, then shaking, and then I almost fell as it felt like every part of my leg tried to go in a different direction.

It calmed down, but after I'd taken a few more steps it happened again.

I told mom, and had her take over the driving, but it didn't happen again.

sighs, didn't I have enough problems already?

Actually, it's feelin' more like the threads of sanity I've used to stitch a shredded soul together are coming undone, and ... stuff ... is leakin'; out. Part of me is curious 'bout that stuff. Another part of me seems to know what that stuff is, and is scared of seein' it again. But ... it's a kinda disconnected scared.

Well idle hands and all that!

Well time is a little short!

Here in GOC it's a grey start to the day but we are off out to Norfolk for the day so I won't get a chance to do a proper post today. As I'm out tomorrow too it could be Tuesday before I get properly online when you'll get a full update and chapter.

From my phone,
Bye for now
Mads

Well, I had a scary moment today, thought they were going to take my CPAP machine away

apparently, its not helping enough, its on max pressure, and I'm still having apnea way too often.

But the problem was my sleep study apparently wouldn't qualify me for the more powerful Bipap machine, so I could have been stuck.

But for now they are giving me the nose mask instead of the full mask in the hops it will not leak as much, and they're having me come back in 2 weeks to see how that goes

and other stuff!

One of the most frustrating effects of what happened to me is that it destroyed my confidence in my ability to make decisions. I become paralyzed, and usually end up making the choice that requires the least change.

An example is happening right now as I am on the list to get stomach surgery, and the closer I get to the due date the less confident I'm making the right call.

sighs . . .

oh and travel plans

you know, I've gotten used to having some degree of pain in my left leg, but I just had something worse than pain.

My leg felt like it was simply going to collapse, and I almost fell.

I'm still shaking.

well, it turns out its possible that my sleep apnea isn't the only reason I thrash around in my sleep
.
Last night, I awoke to find I had tossed my pillows everywhere and pulled my CPAP machine off the nightstand.

But It had kept running and I never lost the connection between the mask and the machine, so I was getting air while this was happening.

Don't ask me what's going on, I really have no clue.

My whole life has been one long struggle to not become a monster.

I did not succeed.

I can still feel the monster, waiting for its chance to get out

This memorial day, I'm not going to share a patriotic picture that people will look at for a few seconds and then forget, I'm going to share something deeply personal that I hope will stay with people for the rest of their lives.

Do you ever get the feeling that who you think you are isn’t who you really are?

So I was a bit foolish and watched an episode of "Law and Order: Special Victims Unit", and as I should have expected, it was not a good idea.

I identified so hard with the victim, in her frustration and helplessness in the face of a rapist who seems beyond prosecution.

I often feel this, especially when real life cases follow the same path, and it is exactly the same helplessness I felt during the two and a half years I was being raped.

fingers crossed, here goes!

So Last night I dreamed that I had a breakdown over the trans stuff back in high school.

It has me shaken, and I'm not sure why.

After decades of abuse and neglect, my body is finally getting back at me by falling apart.

Its somehow ironic that it turns out the abuser who has done the most damage to me -- was me, all along.

sighs . . .