So yesterday, my mom got a new set of dentures, hopefully allowing her to eat more. She also got a pair of hearing aids, which also will help.

Will this mean we get a reprieve, and have her around a bit longer?

I guess time will tell.

Because I am A: a nerd, and B: a bit strange, I sometimes picture my body as a starship, and every morning Captain Brain gets into the command chair and gets the status updates for the day.

Well, to extend the metaphor a bit, you ever see an episode of any of the Star Trek shows where the ship starts having a bunch of malfunctions and nobody knows why?

Yeah, that's pretty much me right now. as my balance is off, my PTSD is on red alert, various parts of my body are complaining of pain, and I'm just generally getting all kinds of error messages that I can't track down.

There are times when I feel like I should start a separate blog for my dreams, since they fill up a lot of my entries here.

Until I do, here is my latest dream.

I was once again in university, but living in a dorm built right above the main building.

I was roaming around, but not because I was lost or looking for something I lost, but simply exploring to figure out the layout of the place.

I felt happy, and confident - which is pretty rare in my dreams - that I was going to be fine when the school semester began.

well, I just learned that the girl I helped look after for several years, who I left due to the fact her parents openly put me down and she didn't object, passed away two years ago.

I mostly feel like another opportunity for me to make amends is gone.

meanwhile, my mom is calmer, but also eating less, so things are not looking good here.

hugs appreciated, folks

sorry to post so soon, but something came up:

New essay up:

https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/88253/origins-2-inferno

Mike and Carol have been generously helping me with mom, so I don't get overwhelmed, but that has led me to struggle with guilt. Mike has his own struggles, and that makes me feel like I should be taking more of the load so he doesn't have to.

Fortunately at the moment I am able to recognize that making sure I don't burn out is actually doing good for Mom, so I'm resisting the guilt.

At least, for now.

My mom's condition is getting worse.

she's had 4 or 5 delusional episodes today, thinking Mike was fighting a fire in the roof, and Carol was not letting him come down., even though we went upstairs and opened gifts together this morning. Plus, she's not eating more than a couple bites of food. we tried fruit cups and yogurt, but its not her teeth, she simply has no apatite.

All of this stuff is complicated by the fact that: A: Its Christmas; and B: we're in a pandemic.

sighs, hugs appreciated.

Caution: referenced suicide attempt

my mom is trying to arrange staying at my cousin Terry's place, who has decided to buy into my mom's paranoid delusions.

fml

When I was training to be a Nurse's Aide, one of the things I was taught was that people with dementia often struggle more at night, and during my time in the job, I confirmed this for myself.

But its one thing when its a stranger who you are being paid to look after, another when its your own mother.

Its been really hard to have my mom wake me at 4 AM almost every day believing that the house is on fire, or Mike is injured, or most often, that Carol is going to come downstairs and throw her out into the street.

Okay so the geriatric clinic got a hold of us, and are coming Tuesday for an in-person assessment on my mom.

keep sending hugs.

I'm struggling with dysphoria, and to make it worse, I feel guilty. I'm so much luckier than most trans people, it feels like I'm being ungrateful to struggle with those things I don't have.

Hugs appreciated.

my mom's nightly struggle with paranoid delusions is killing my spoons. It's been weeks now since I got to sleep through the night without her waking me up saying her daughter in law has started fires in the electrical wiring or is watching mom through a camera hidden in the vent in her room.

which means I'm letting my self-care slip, and am scared what happens if I have a major PTSD attack or depressive episode.

hugs appreciated.

my mom had her worst episode yet this morning at 3 AM.

She was so convinced that Carol was coming downstairs to throw her out that she barricaded her bedroom door.

sighs, I'm starting to worry we wont last the month we're supposed to wait before she can get an official evaluation

There will be at least one openly trans official at the Tokyo games, a trans woman named Kimberly Daniels will be one of the judges of canoe slalom, while her daughter will be one of the first women competing in the sport.

What's really cool to me at least is that both are Canadians.

I'm struggling with feeling worthless, almost to the point of feeling suicidal.

I honestly don't know if this is PTSD, depression or both, but hugs appreciated

In the aftermath of my blog here yesterday, I was talking with Drea, and came to a startling and sad realization.

That there has been a part of me that hoped the trans stuff was caused by my rapes. Because then if I got over the rapes, I'd get over the trans stuff too.

I was thrown by this, but thanks to people on the BC discord page, I worked through it.

So I guess Dorothy isn't going anywhere, and that's okay.

Okay so last night I had another dream where I was at school (this time it was university, but still) and lost.

Except this time I ran across a really bubbly young woman, who seeing me looking confused took my arm, and when I told her were I wanted to go, she found us a rather round-about route.

There has been a split in my extended family for most of my life, with many of my uncles and aunts refusing to having anything to do with my mom or my brother or I.

Now, two of those uncles are apparently having serious medical problems, and there's every chance I wont know anything unless they die.

Despite this, I'm finding myself wishing I could see them one last time.

Crazy, huh?

I'm sorry to post again so soon, but well, I've gotten some potentially bad news.

The doctor who did the scope on me apparently found some growths in my esophagus.

Biopsy negative for cancer, but their placement is a concern, apparently.

hugs and prayers appreciated.

I had a dream last night that has me questioning me being trans.

In the dream I was at university and sharing a dorm room with a dude.

So when I woke up, I realized that even though I never looked at myself in the dream, I would have to had been a dude too.

Now I'm all mixed up and I want to cry.