I'm grieving the loss of my friend, and as I do I notice that this is not a straightforward process. It seems like my grief comes in waves, and in between them I almost feel normal, until the next big wave hits.

It almost feels like some part of me knows I couldnt take the whole thing at once, so has arranged for me to have respites to prevent me from being overwhelmed.

Ah, well.

A couple of years ago, when I started working for Zellers, I got a credit card, which turned out to be a mistake - I was not prepared to handle it, and eventually cut up the card.

If I needed more proof that I'm on the right path, the church that is holding the local Transgender Day of Remembrance called me to find out if I was going, and the lady also let me know that the church will have a trans paster in the new year ...

Sounds like a green light to me, don't you agree?

Well, last night, I made a birthday dinner for my mom, my brother, and my sister-in-law. It actually went well, they liked what I made, and it went about as good as I could hope for.

Much, much, much better night last night. Not only was I able to stock all the Christmas candies in the front pod, I was able to help out in the Health and Beauty section, which the girl working there really appreciated.

As for my concerns regarding the surgery, I have a cunning plan .... Not ready to share yet, but lets just say I'm seeing what my options my be, and what I can do to improve my odds of a good life post SRS. I'll give more details when I figure out a couple of things.

We had a major snowstorm here yesterday. Gonna make going to work interesting tonight ....

Read in the paper this morning that the RCMP (Canada's national police force) has made an "It gets better" video.

Well done, mounties.

Well done.

I got a letter from the government health department, and here is a quote:

There are people on this site who have been through (or are going through) more pain than I can even imagine.

Got to talking with a friend about SRS. and started crying happy tears. I'm a little emotional (okay, so I lied. I'm a LOT emotional), and I'm having trouble keeping it together.

Ah, well.

My sister-in-law sent me a message regarding my post on being attracted to men, and I think I need help understanding what shes saying. Here is the quote:

Just wanted to pass along my prayers for everyone in the path of the storm, I pray you all come out in one piece.

Went out for lunch with my mom, and got a chance to talk with the waitress, and she was telling me about being a tomboy for a long time, and then surprising her male friends when she decided to get girly for a group that had come back from Afghanistan.

Its kind of funny, how many really pretty girls prefer to be super tom-boys, at least for some time in their lives, while I would have given just about anything for the privilege of being prettied up for a dance or whatever.

Ah, well.

To the people who believe that you can be cured of a condition like being transgender, a big part of that is based on the idea that the environment a child grows up in makes the difference in terms of how secure they feel in their birth gender.

For example, they would look at my life, and the lack of any decent male role models, and then sexual abuse by a male on top of that, and conclude that this lack caused me to hate my gender, enough to want to become female instead.

I've been having a lot of flashbacks lately, and its got me thinking about a story I wrote called "I am nine years old"

Here is a link, if you havent read it:

Well, I just got back from seeing my family doctor, and things are finally moving forward again. He'd been waiting for the results of my bloodwork, and with that now arrived, he faxed everything to the gender specialist, and I go on to the next step, trying to lose the weight.

He's sent information to a medically supervised program, and when they get back to me, I can really get going on it. Not going to be easy, because he wants me to lose around 50 pounds, but with determination and perseverance, I can make it.

Yesterday I talked about being in the company of another trans girl suffering with a lack of confidence in her looks, despite the fact she is really good looking, and last night, it was like God decided to drive the point home to me.

I sat with some other girls at work on our lunch break, and listened as one talked about her struggles with her appearance, and how even now as an adult she sometimes finds it an issue.

And this is a genetic girl and a rather pretty one at that telling this story.

Since I mentioned it yesterday, I might as well tell the story of how I came to run for president of the student council in high school.

For those of you who havent heard yet, Jim Sandusky, the former assistant coach of the Pen State has been sentenced to between 30 and 60 years in prison for molesting young boys.