I'm watching "A Muppet Christmas Carol", and its as good now as it ever was.

Well, my car wouldnt start last night, and I probably didnt handle it well. I got a ride home from a friend, being unable to find the number for my road-side service company, and afraid that a tow truck would take forever in this kind of weather.

I focused on going home, figuring my best chance of thinking straight would be after getting a nights sleep, but I should have realized my mom would panic and wake me up and freak out when she realized the car wasnt home.

I just came home from seeing the gender doc, and while it was a good visit, I'm awfully shaky, as I spent most of the visit talking about my rape. That was because I was trying to find out what resources might be available for me outside of the rape crisis center, and as it happens, there is some.

The program they're recommending for me is called "Partial hospitalization", but its less scary than it sounds - its a group therapy session that takes a couple of hours during the day and works with a variety of problems.

I had a moment today that a lot of trans women can probably relate to, and almost no non-trans ones can.

I had a good conversation with Samantha's mom last night.

Well, last night, Samantha's mother found a letter at her work that said the health department had done an inspection of the doctor's office she cleans, and said the bathrooms are below par.

There can be no doubt about it, I live with a vicious killer.

I dreamt of a man last night.

It wasnt a sexual dream, but he was standing in front of me, and I found myself realizing he had the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen.

Stopped at a McDonalds for a coffee on my way home this morning, and the woman at the till greeted me with "Good morning, beautiful."

Can you guess how happy that made me?

ts my weekend, and boy, am I glad. Two days off, yay!

Yesterday, I had a total brain fart day. First, when I got to work, I realized I had forgotten to bring my shoes. This is a big deal, because we aren't supposed to be on the floor without steel toes.

Theoretically, they could have sent me home, but its Christmas rush, and they need every warm body they can get, so I was told to be extra careful, but to keep on going.

Then, at lunch, I discovered I had also forgotten to pack my pills, so that was a pain as well, and obviously a sign I had let all the stuff going on get me off focus.

Well, I just got back from the Transgender Day of Remembrance, and it was very moving. So moving, in fact, that between the emotions it brought up, the stress of losing my best friend, the stress of my daughter's allergy attack on Friday, the stress of her mother's health problems, the stress of my job ....

I'm a little over-stressed, I think.

Kylie, my oldest and best friend and the reason you're able to read this, may be gone from my life, and no idea if she'll be back. It hurts as much as you can imagine, but I haven't been able to grieve - I had a busy shift at work, then had my first session with the weight loss group, and then got about 4 hours of sleep before I got a call from Samantha's mother saying she had taken Sam to the doctor for a severe allergy attack.

At some point, I'll stop and grieve and let the hurt out, but for now its .... bottled up.

I'm not sure this is a good thing or not.

I am in a spiritual crisis. I'm calling on my fellow Christians here for help. Please PM me, and I'll go into details.

Not every fallen soldier meets his end on the battlefield. Many come home, bringing wounds too deep to heal with them that eventually take their life.

Not my best night last night. First, I was talking with the other person who has had SRS, and while she didnt want to discourage me, she pointed out that most of the girls who have the surgery have higher incomes and jobs that dont take as much physical strength.

While I was still struggling with that, I made some mistakes in putting stuff out and it frustrated both me and my supervisor, which isnt what I want to do considering I'm counting on a reference from her when I go to transfer to a closer store.

A while back, I wrote an entry that went something like this - "I've read a lot of stories here about a boy who becomes a girl, and when he sees the new person he's become, he's amazed (or even aroused) about how good he looks. Well, I dont live in one of those stories"

Apparently, I spoke too soon.

I was getting dressed this morning, and I had put on a cami as another layer in the cold weather, and happened to glance at my reflection.

Then I looked down at my chest, and back at the girl in the mirror, and actually swore.

I'm ... beautiful.