well, my cluster headaches have returned. See, just before I started transitioning, I started getting these mysterious pains in my face, centered on just below my right eye. Eventually they found out that they were "cluster headaches", sort of like migraines but different spot, and that they were stress-related.

They went away when I started my transition, probably because I took a serious part of my stress off my plate by living authentically, but I guess it was too much to hope for that they wouldn't ever come back.

Ah, well

well, last night, I was being left in charge of "zoning", which basically means making sure the shelves are clean, neat, and that the product is as close to the lip as possible. While this was going on, my supervisor told me that the reason why she was pushing me hard on getting it perfect was because she believes I have the potential to move up into a supervisor's role, should I wish to make that a goal. So I told her my long term plan would include me doing a less physical job, and she said she would talk to people and see about getting the ball rolling for me toward that end.

Been thinking about my brother a lot the last couple of days. Because I'm the kind of person I am, I can put myself in his shoes a bit, and I dont look good from that angle. I mean, he pretty much had to take over for my father and look after me at an impossibly young age, he did his best by me, and then after I got married and he probably hoped things were on their way up, I went and failed to pay my mortgage, leaving him hurt and having to clean up my mess.

I happened to catch on the radio the story of Rehtaeh Parsons, a young woman in Nova Scotia who was raped and had pictures of her rape shown around her school, and how she has committed suicide.

I was talking with Kylie today, and she mentioned that she talks about me with just about everyone she knows - her therapist, her floor monitor, her friends - and when she does, she blushes. I find this idea, that the thought of me making someone blush to be hard to wrap my head around. But there you have it. Neat, no?

It seems like the more comfortable with myself as a girl I become, the harder it is to have male bits. Last night my parts moved a bit, and I had to fight back tears, and I also had to fight off the urge to take my box-cutter knife to them ....

Ah, well.

Well, last night, my supervisor came by and told me she wanted me to motivate my fellow workers in finishing as fast as possible. I giggled, but she said she was serious, she wanted me to do this. I asked her, "Why me?"

She said, "Because I like you."

Well, what the heck could I say to that?

Well, last night, we had Easter dinner with the family, and my sister-in-law said some interesting things. First, she basically put aside the work I've been doing trying to recover the memories of my rape and its association to my gender issues, saying such memories have been added to and subtracted from over the years to the point they are not reliable.

Hey, everybody! My church liked my poem so much, they published a link to it. Its on the Affirm! McDougall page on facebook. It would be awesome if some of my friends would go and like their page ...

here is a link:

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Affirm-McDougall-Edmonton/276...

well, not a good night last night. Any night that ends with me being carted off on a stretcher has to be considered a pretty bad one, and that was the case last night. I popped my shoulder out, and they ended up taking me to the hospital to get it looked at. I got off lucky, no serious damage, but I'm off work tonight, and on modified duties for a while thereafter.

On the other hand, one of my supervisors, upon hearing a bit of my life story, described me as being tremendously together, considering my past. So there is that, I suppose .....

many of you may not be old enough to remember a TV mini-series called "Shogun". The series was interesting for one reason - when the main character finds himself marooned in Japan before Japan had much if any contact with the west, they showed the first couple of episodes without translation - no subtitles, no voice dubs, the Japanese spoke Japanese, and the audience was to be drawn into the main character's confusion.

what a difference a night makes. the night before last I had missed a couple of things while working, and felt awful. Last night my supervisor complimented me on my work.

Okay, last night I had a pretty strange dream.

Just heard the verdict in the Steubenville rape case. As I feared, a slap on the wrist for the popular football players, and no justice for the victim. Trying really hard not to let myself get lost in anger ....

Had a bad day for flashbacks last night. I think that if I had known what horrors were locked in my head behind the door marked "Dorothy", I would have never been brave enough to open it up. I've gained the girl I was before my rape, but the memories of what happened to me are almost more than I can bear ....

But thanks to my wonderful friends, I live to fight another day

Had a very scary moment last night. I had gone to pick up Sharon, and drove her to her 2nd job cleaning a doctor's office. I was still kinda hurting and tired from my ER adventures, so I stayed in the car and figured I'd have a short nap.

Unfortunately, as soon as I fell asleep, I was partially woken up by something shaking me. Then I realized it was me shaking me - my muscles were doing this spaz thing like I was being shocked, and I couldnt seem to wake up enough to make it stop.

Having to take a day off from work because I felt like I had strained my stomach muscles gave me a lot more time to read today, and looking at some of the fantastic work that's been produced here I can only reach a couple of conclusions.

One is that Erin and her elves have created the most amazing place I can imagine, and we who get to enjoy their work should remember to be grateful, and show that gratitude however we can - contributing to the hat box, or even just making sure we dont make things harder for them with our blogs, stories, and comments.

Just about finished a new piece. It starts off pretty dark, but for the brave soul who reads it all the way, well.... you'll see.

Had an interesting conversation with a girl at work. She described with great gusto her love for zombie-killing, and of course I immediately thought of my little story (which you can find here:)

I'm sorry. I know I promised to be more positive, but I'm really struggling today.

hugs to all.