This morning I found myself thinking about my rapes and my gender issues.

When I first went for counseling, all I was hoping for was to find out for sure if my rapes had caused me to be transgender. I didn't think it would be possible to heal me from the damage done, but I hoped to understand and perhaps settle the issue of my gender identity.

The result was it seems that the two issues are not connected in a cause and effect way, so if one had been removed, I would still be dealing with the other.

So, I finally finished an application for subsidized housing on the south side of Edmonton for mom and me.

Being closer to Sharon and Sam would be a good thing, and maybe if my mom isn't here she wont have as much paranoia about my sister in law. (I know, unlikely, considering what dementia does, but I can hope)

Personally I have mixed feelings about leaving. I've felt safe here, which has been a rare thing for me, but the long drives are tough, and I think I can still be of some good to my mom by staying with her, or at least I hope so.

I've been in the habit in the past of talking to various folk on SKYPE but that can't be done any more do to my vocal cord issues. Now it looks like I will only be available by PM. Sorry. NO SKYPE any more.

It caught me, I certainly didn't go out looking for the damned virus!

I'm fully jabbed so it's just a question of riding it out - sorry for the belated posting of UG2 but I chose my bed rather than my desk yesterday. Meanwhile, I'm back at my desk and I may have been working on something new .....

Shiraz

so last night, I was supposed to do a home sleep study, and I blew it badly, not being able to connect the hoses properly.

so I'm going to have to try again tonight.

meanwhile, I think my manic phase is ending and I am heading downward, so hugs appreciated.

I'm sorry I haven't posted stories like I said I would.

My old psychologist took me off Adderall because she said I only wanted it to lose weight. So my ADHD has been acting up like crazy.

last night I had a dream that reminded me of something that actually happened.

When I was 16, we returned to Calgary after spending a year in Denver, and I was lucky enough to fall into a group of people who were into D&D, including some girls. later, in summer, two of the girls invited me to come over and spend the day with them.

As it was very hot, they soon decided to strip to their underwear, and encouraged me to do the same.

Nothing even slightly sexual happened, we just watched tv and played some games.

For a day that started off with me feeling kind of lazy, I actually accomplished a few things. I took out the garbage, vacuumed the floor, did my laundry and reorganized part of my bookshelf.

not bad for a lazy girl, eh?

I've been informed that I have aortic stenosis but no one is sure how long I have had it. This does explain the feelings of being tired and having little strength to do anything strenuous (or simply walking for more than a few minutes)
I don't know really why I'm posting this here. Maybe just to get it out of my head. For now, I have to we if i can get an appointment with a cardiologist.

After spending most of my life distrusting and hating men, it seems that has been mostly a waste of time. Thousands and thousands of dollars are spent trying to find someone to help us feel right. In the final analysis it is up to us to live the way that seems right to us and save our money.

Gwen

and sorry its a little later than usual.

But I think we all need something to smile about, so hoping nobody takes offence, may I present:

See: https://stickmaker.dreamwidth.org/642077.html for a recent report on household events.

to ride my bicycle, i want to ride my bike

Are you affected?

I think I can finally admit I find the idea of dating a crossdressing man appealing. what that says about me, I have no clue, but since it has maybe a 1% chance of happening, I probably shouldn't panic about it.

confused? well i am.

We buried my mother Wednesday, beside her parents in the family plot in Crab Orchard, Kentucky. That has a nice location on a hill. (Her father was on the cemetery board of directors.)

There were surprisingly many people at the service, here in Frankfort, including the music director and minister from her church. The former led us in singing Mother's favorite hymn. The latter gave a short sermon. Just as Mother wanted.

However, only her descendants and a few cousins made the hour and a half trip to Crab Orchard (where Mother was reared).

It's amazing, interesting... idk. Strange, anyway, when you realize that something you haven't thought of since you were much younger... something that happened when you were about 5 years old, has had a profound effect on your personality almost 50 years later (48, but who's counting?).

I've discovered that something that was done to me when I was a child has affected me more than I ever thought... leaving some profound trauma in its wake.

Hey everyone,

falls mainly on the plain.

Description of PTSD-related (?) depression, maybe even derealization.

Today I went to get tested for allergies, and I tested positive to cat hair, tree pollen, grass, and shrimp - the latter is apparently bad enough they have proscribed an epi pen for me.

But something interesting happened.

When they first gave me my results and the prescription, I noticed it had the wrong name, so I had to go back in and get things straightened out.

But what was interesting was the young woman receptionist apologized repeatedly, and I told her not to sweat it, since I got the corrected information.

Does one transition to turn oneself into some idea of what a woman is? Or does one transition to be more fully themself?