Life is stomping all over me this summer(with alpine spikes). Since the death of my Mom in the spring I have tried to set things right and move on with life. That has been delayed due to the pettiness of some Medicaid cretins. they determined in with their rules and procedures to only give Mom partial coverage so that the creditors were left with unpaid sums of money which they feel is due them, probably rightly so, but they have begun court proceedings to get the money from me.

I had a sobering dose of reality delivered to me by four of the women in my life today. My, mother, sister and two sister's -in-law pretty much told me I have been fooling myself that I could ever think I could ever be successful as a woman the way I have been going. I went to our family reunion yesterday and today my sister-in-law proceeded to chop whatever self confidence I had left in myself to shreds. She told me that I just "existed" in that room yesterday and my body language showed I didn't care. It seems like I am doomed to failure in the make up department too.

This only goes to show you how life is stranger than fiction.

I went to see my lawyer this morning, really just to sign the motion for him to get the case dismissed. The state came back this morning with another offer, removing two of the charges against me. I decided to not risk 15 years in prison and instead settle on 6 months probation. The probation doesn't have me attending any classes or effect my life in any way other than to mail in something every month saying that I am alive.

First -

This post is about the closest friend I have in the world FO. I have known him for about seventeen years; we have been through a lot together and always stuck with each other. No one in my life knows about me but last night that changed. I don’t have to tell you folks that depression is a mighty powerful thing, the only outlet I have in my life to be me is this wonderful site and the friends I have made here. I had been getting less and less sleep because of nightmares and depression along with the day(ugh)job being a bitch. I have been debating telling FO for awhile.

I recently (a little more than two weeks ago) started taking 1mg of Estradiol. (Evidently my body knew something was up in advance so my hormone levels weren't that far off to what they should be for transitioning). I notice lately that I've been having headaches. Not really headaches, but cerebral discomfort. Is this normal? I was thinking maybe with brain chemistry changing and all. I'm not in any pain, just concerned.

Well, I no longer have a computer. I tend to leave my computer in "sleep" mode because it has some problems with rebooting. Until last night, when a storm managed to knock the system for a loop, and nothing I've been able to do has brought it back. Sorry folks, but that means your not gonna hear from me much.

I had a bit of a frustrating experience yesterday, but as a result I managed to make some progress in dealing with my tendency to have negative self-talk.

What happened was this: I got ready to go to work last night, and somehow managed to lose my keys just before I was set to go. A frantic search with my mom turned up nothing, leaving us both frustrated and upset, but finally there was nothing I could do but take my spare keys and head out.

My brother and sister in law came over last night, and she saw my nails and was less than impressed with them. Not that I wanted painted nails, but my color choice was not a wise one, according to her. She said most women learn colors and age-appropriate styles in or before high school, because, in her words "teen girls are the most vicious creatures on earth".

Wow. Its been just past two years since I've logged into this account and checked this place out as my online personality. Between that time a lot has passed for me. For those of you who might remember me... hi. For those who don't or haven't met me, I've only got two other blog posts on here from two years ago, so getting to know what I was like two years ago shouldn't be too difficult. I'm... not really sure what to do or say. I think I might start from the beginning.

I can still remember the first crush I had. It was in 6th grade, and I sent her love notes using the name "little Neutrino" until the day I brought in the Klattu album where that name was from, and found out she had been sharing the notes with other girls.

After that, I was a bit more careful about my crushes, making pretty sure they never knew how I felt about them. Which was good, because I tended to pick girls who where 1 - in serious relationships, 2 - straight, and therefore not likely to swing my way, and 3 - totally out of my league in any case.

Upon opening the blog you should have heard a trumpet and balloons should have floated out of your computer along with confetti. If those things didn't happen, I am sorry that your computer must be defective and you should mail it to me and buy one that works the way I think it should.

For those of you keeping track of the mess I'm in, here is an update. Maybe some of you can give me some feedback or suggestions.

I met with the lawyer today. It's the first time I had a sit down with him since the whole mess began. Right now there are 2 pressing issues... one, the charges against me, three unregistered email accounts that they say were suppose to be registered. Two, whether further charges dealing with files on my computer were coming.

Transition happened, I'm back at work. It's almost as if for the rest of the world, nothing happened. Why am I so surprised?

Had a very funny moment at the bank today. Went in to get some cash out for my mom, and the teller starts asking me my address and phone number, and suddenly I realize she is seeing my male name come up on the card and I'm wearing a skirt. So I tell her I'm transitioning, give her the information she needs to verify I'm me, and I get my cash.

Makes me wish I could afford to do the name change, but ah, well.

At least I got a funny story out of it.

Well, today is the 25th anniversary of the Edmonton Tornado, pretty much the worst natural disaster to hit this city at least in my lifetime. I managed to be out of town the day it happened, but the stories from family and friends about that day continue to move me all these years later.

Here's hoping there isnt another event like that in my lifetime here. Once was lots.

It’s been a long week, and it’s only Monday. Today was memorable. I had to see my primary care physician, and my cardiologist. They both had good news for me.
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Well, last night I worked in an area where another worker was very close, so we kind of kibitzed back and forth as we worked. Halfway through the night, I realized how much better my interactions with people, especially men, have become. Its a little thing, but it feels good.

No one in my life knows about my inside/outside issues, so I guess I'm in hiding. This causes me a lot of anxiety and I tend to overcompensate my male persona. So it really gets me in a big blue funk and I feel even worse when my very narcissistic family members call me to bitch about each other. I am not the one that can fix it all I'm barely holding myself together. I do feel I am treated differently than my sisters I am the only one who still actually has a job, I am adopted, I don't have any children, and I am the oldest.

As some of you know I broke my arm in April and I am still in a cast , my last rant I said whoa is me BUT I saw a news clip about a guy who swam the Chesapeake Bay who was born with no arms or legs or the girl in Goergia who lost both legs and both hands to the flesh eating virus.
We also can not forget all the boys & girls that are born in the wrong body and deal with that everyday.
The fact that I have a temporary problem doesn't look so bad , I am going to be 64 in October and still have all my hair SO LIFE IS GOOD

To all my family at BCTS - LOVE YA ALL RICHIE2

Ok folks for those that might be remotely interested. I am Jenn C (bad pun). I am a Hispanic nerd girl of the highest order. Like a lot of folks here my outside does not match my inside, never has. I have painted my self into a corner with real life and am still hoping one day to sort this out. I have lived in Texas all my life but have managed to move all over the place in it. I have a tendency to nerd out often just whack me on the head and ill stop. I do divide my friends into two categories 1. Those who could have seen Star Wars: A New Hope (original release) in the theater and 2.

Test test. Is this mic on? Test test. I am going to try to put some thoughts down here eventually, try to clear my head. For now adieu.

I think I've mentioned before that I struggle with the day-to-day stuff, of which shaving is the most difficult for me.

Having a dark beard on white skin that grows faster than anything is a pain, especially when five-o'clock shadow is probably the easiest "tell" out there, but more permanent solutions are beyond my financial reach, so I dont have any choices.

Sometimes, a girl has gotta do what a girl has gotta do.

Ah, well.