http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b01l9z10/A_Year_in_the_...
This is a truly beautiful programme, though I know many people outside the UK cannot decode it without some trickery.
If ever anyone wanted to see what Steph'n'Geoff or Steve and the Toffs enjoyed, this is it. The farmer (whom I know slightly) has the most wonderful Gog accent, and the TG link is provided by the poet Twm Morys, son of Jan, who was James...

The above is based on an old song by a group called Garbage, and its about my general attitude in life. I was mentioning the other day to a friend about how ... easy my transition is going, and she said "What? Did you want it to be harder?"

Then in a conversation with my mom, I mentioned about passing, and she said, "maybe you want more attention, and are sorry people arent noticing you, even if that meant they were mean."

Just got back from picking my ex's dog up at the vet - she had teeth problems, and needed one taken out. I was so upset I came home and cuddled with my own dog, breathing in that special feeling you get from the love of a pet.

If you have a pet, please remember to treat it better than you have to, because in them is a love and acceptance rarely found in humans - my dog never cared if I wore a skirt or not, which is better than I can say for some people.

Its probably the hormones, but I need a good cry now ...

Well, I took my bottles in for the refund, and as I often do, I use that as "mad money" to do something nice for myself. Today, I made enough to go get a mani-pedi done, and it was a wonderful experience. Instead of the place in the mall I had tried before, I went to a little place in a strip-mall, and they treated me like a princess from start to finish, including the girl telling me that she almost missed me because she was looking for someone transitioning, and I obviously was a regular girl. (Okay, so it was probably for the tip, but what the heck.)

SO today I finally started taking hormones... or hormone, depending on your view of things.

The doctor put me on 1mg of estradiol twice a day (so a total of 2mg) and we will adjust when the labs come back. Currently I am not taking a testosterone blocker because the last time I had that checked it was at a 75. I suppose if it got higher I can start that again too. I do notice lately that my libido is way down anyway so maybe my body gave up on it.

At least its a start

...when you're having fun!

I've now been entertaining you all with my mixture of witty, inane, sometimes over-analytical and occasionally pertinant / well thought-out comments for just over three years now, believe it or not...

Well, last night was a rough one for me. It started with an uncomfortable feeling in my genital area, which by lunch had progressed to actual pain.

The pain of course caused me a lot of psychological distress to the point that I was hyperventilating, but thank God one of my co-workers seemed to understand why this was so much WORSE for me than for a non trans guy - every painful feeling was a reminder of the part of me I would give anything not to possess at all, and I actually had to repress an urge to take the box-cutting knife I carry and perform some impromptu surgery with it.

I mentioned earlier that I bought a pair of hoop earrings. The one thing I wasn't prepared for was how heavy they feel. It felt like my earlobes were about to drag on the ground. Is this normal? Do people get use to it? Maybe buying at Walmart wasn't the best idea. I want to get some that dangle, but I often temper things with not wanting to push the issue of gender with other people.

When I heard the awful news about a shooting at a midnight premier of "The Dark Knight Rises", I was filled with grief for the victims. Then I found out it had taken place in Aurora, a town I know well, because I lived there for a year. Somehow that made it worse, and I wept openly as the news trickled in about the horrible day.

My prayers are for the victims, their families, and the first responders who managed to bring the shooter in alive to face trial.

Now dont mind me, I think I still have a few tears left to shed.

I Iz So Weird

One of my endearing charms is that I am a total nutter. I am as quirky as all hell, and well known for moodiness. Just ask my poor GF, Sparky. Thank God we, through the miracle of menstrual synchrony, we have our periods at the same time. (File under: too much information from ol' Trap)

Well, my vacation is over, and tonight I go back to work. It will probably be a tough week as we will no doubt be short staffed from vacations, and I wont be used to that level of exercise, but I'll just have to do my best and get back in work shape as fast as I can.

well, I spent yesterday with my daughter, taking her to see the new "Ice Age" movie, and then we spent some time playing badminton together. All in all, very nice day, but it had a couple of stressful moments. The biggest came when Sam suggested we do a picnic with her and the two boys who are the children of my ex's best friend. It was only after she made the suggestion that she realized my trans status might cause a difficulty for them, and so withdrew the suggestion.

Had a dream last night that I was a girl. It was very vivid and felt scarily real. It was fun. The dream was simple. I was a red haired girl, wearing a skirt, sweater and shirt. It was simple. It was just me, walking around feeling rather pleased with myself. That was it. It felt very, very real.

A few of you may remember me the wacky bear that hopped on laps, looked down blouse fronts and hid under long skirts (Well I actually flicked the skirts up)in Crystal's chat room when it was the place to be. Well as this is to inform you that I'm Back from the wilds and looking for old friends and hoping to meet some new friends. I'm sorry to see so many friends are no longer with us may they be having the time of their afterlives and wondering what this Looney HuggyBear is going to do next.

It as been a while. I talked to my GT about the total cessation of reading, she mentioned it depression can do strange things. It isn't the only thing I've changed on either. I'm getting better, just not there yet.

Tired, sweaty and footsore; according to my pedometer I have walked something over 30 miles in the last five days.

Not sure I can afford to go on such a long vacation again though, while at the kennel someone taught Cuddles how to fart. You all almost read about it on the news, woman and dog found asphyxiated in their car on the I-10. HOLY SHIT, BATMAN! So to speak.

I'm hoping it was just because she only got kibbles to eat while in the kennel.

Got back to the hotel, ate some chips and salsa and worked on the site for an hour or so and fell asleep. I probably would have slept straight through except some guy outside my window about 11:30 couldn't get his car alarm to shut off. Either that or he was stealing a car. I got up to look out the window, my car is still there but by that time, I was awake and hungry so I made a trip down to the snack machines and here I am.

I was somewhat pleasantly amused by Dorothy's recent post "To any non-trans guy brave enough to answer" which opened a discussion about erections, and the having of them. My interest was further piqued by her post "Here is a challenge for you all" about breasts. Not wanting to thread jack, I thought I might post my own thoughts on both topics from the other side of the fence.

I have a serious question. Do you LIKE getting erections? Is it supposed to feel good?

Well, I dont. I hate mine with a passion. They hurt. They make it harder to wear the kind of clothes I like. And they are a reminder I am not the person I want to be, need to be, or am inside, depending on your point of view.

Ah, well.

My mom found out last night that our little group of rental houses (condos?, not sure, they are connected one to the other, is that a condo?) are going to be sold off. Nobody know for sure what that means, but its possible they want to turn these from rental properties to ownership ones, in which case we wouldnt be able to stay here. My poor mom is panicking, and between that and the big storm we had last night that hailed out her flowers, she's having a rough day.

So, new author name. Now you will have to look up 300 Rains and Kit and Kin under a different name... sorry. But not really... I felt I needed the change.

In other news, I have a tumblr account. For those of you on there, my address is Whistling Wombat

Also, writing has been slow due to life, shoulder and wrist issues as well as the muse taking a vacation while I edit something else. I have started Chapter 5 of K&K, but it is moving slow at the moment. I hope to get it moving faster. Just to let you know.

I was talking to my ex last week when we were walking back from the American Museum in Bath, about that fact that Saturday 14th July, is twenty six years since I transitioned, and went to work as a female for the first time.

She had no recollection of our dash to Cardiff to enhance my wardrobe, though in all fairness, I suppose I had more to remember about it. Looking back, I consider I was very fortunate to working for a then District Health Authority, who were sympathetic. It could have gone much worse.