well, today isnt a bad day so far, but I'm feeling a tad grumpy, and I'm not really sure why. Its not one of my black dog days, where I have to fight off feeling like a worthless failure. Its not even one of those days where I feel like a fake, that I will never be a "real" woman no matter what I do. Its just a blech day, and I guess those happen sometimes.

Ah, well.

Have you ever had one of those dreams, where you had everything you ever wanted and were truly happy. I had one of those last night, maybe it brought on by pain medication that I took before bed who knows but when I woke up I felt cheated and couldn't help but be upset, I tried going back to bed hoping that it would continue but that rarely happens.

I have never really been truly happy, most of the time I just try to get by and not think about the fact that I should have never been born this way. I have known all of my life that I was different at least inside, I was different.

Every day, I'm faced with choices. Some are trivial, some could be life-altering. Sometimes, I can see the right choice without much problem, and others I really struggle with trying to figure out what to do.

One choice I'm dealing with right now has to do with my plans for mother's day. See, my ex, my mom, my daughter, and my brother and sister-in-law are going to a restaurant, and of course I'm going to.

But the question I've been dealing with is this: What the heck do I wear?

I had my session with my rape councilor today, and among other things we talked about boundaries. Its something I struggle with, tending to go back into passive-aggressive rather than state my needs and wants clearly.

But, bit by bit, I'm getting stronger and more confident, and I hope to continue my growth in this area.

Where Angels fear to tread or my life is a Monty Python skit.

To all who took the time to read my first blog Thanks, I have just decided to move from my old Novawoman99 ID to a newer more up dated one suggested by a dear friend and writer on this board so now I will Be Drum roll cymbals crash. Misha Nova. Its about time the Novawoman99 name was created to describe my self when I had just gained enough momentum to go Full time at work and therefor the world.

Finally feeling better, got blasted with flu which was pretty grim. Luckily I didn't waste my time entirely, my journal is full of interesting ideas for my stories which I am already working on.

I'm pretty sure most of you have seen the image - the person faced with a choice with an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other, trying to decide which way to go.

Well, I have at least one devil on my shoulder, whose name is Worthlessness, and today he was very active, listing all my failures, ready to convince me I am only a source of grief to those who dare come close to me. It got to the point where I was seriously trying to figure out if ending my life would be a net gain for the people around me or not.

just came back from a regular maintenance for my car, and the lady complimented me on how well I've maintained the car since I bought it. As someone who struggles with feeling competent, it felt rather nice.

Well, I just came back from seeing the gender specialist, and I have great news. He's set up an appointment for me to get my 2nd opinion for December, and assuming that doc signs off on me, He will help me push the Alberta Government to cover the cost of my surgery.

This could actually happen.

In a couple of years, I could be female in body as I am in heart.

I'm so happy I'm crying my eyes out.

This is starting to get OLD real fast or maybe it's me getting OLD real fast.Yesterday I fell again same leg gave out and I rebroke my Elbow OUCH this time I shifted the bone a little enough to give me permanent damage . I won't be able to straighten my arm completely straight out. Oh well it could be worse things in life that this. KEEP SMILLING -- LOVE TO YOU ALL RICHIE2

For some unknown reason in recent weeks I’ve really wanted to be a girl. I don't know why but the very thought seems more comforting to me than ever because at the moment I’m in a dark place in my life. Exams, stress, family and life in general. It all takes its toll! But the thought of being a girl seems more...alluring! :( I'm not sure why but I think things would be better. I usually fantasise about being a girl but not becoming one permanently for the rest of my life. Maybe I'm not thinking straight? Does or has anybody else ever felt the same when going through a bad patch?

If you have been following my blog for any length of time and got around all the episodes of drama, you would've seen that I had started gender counseling about 6 weeks ago. The reason for this was quite simple, I want to know if I am really Transgender, or if it was just some flight of fantasy that let me write some interesting story and gave me masturbatory fodder.

I would like to say my job keeps me from being social... you know, delivering papers all alone at the wee hours of the morning and then sleeping during the day. But, the truth is, I generally don't like people and feel awkward in social situations.

Daddy's brother, Uncle Virgil, dropped in on the New Years party that had turned into an Arkansawyer wake for Hank Williams. Naturally, the story had to be retold about the time he had shown up at Ma Dale's and eaten two whole fried chickens all by himself, with biscuits and corn on the cob and buttermilk to drink. Uncle Virgil stood five-foot-five and weighed about 120 pounds but he was a legendary eater.

Okay, admission time, I've fiddled with my herbal concoction a bit since the last time I talked about it. I'm no longer taking any kind of phyto-estrogen at all. I've balanced and counterbalanced a purely anti-androgen formula and that's all I'm taking right now. Getting hold of strong enough doses of isoflavones was costing waaaay too much.

I’m not sure how long we stayed with Ma and Pa that time, not more than a few months I’m sure. We moved into a house in town that wasn’t much more than a shed for a short time and then into a place I called The Little Red House. It had asphalt siding made to look like red bricks and it sat between the schoolhouse and The Big Red House where another bunch of cousins lived.

As many may know, I have a house. In this house there are two bedrooms. I don't even enter one of them and keep the door closed. With the recent bank fiasco going on, I was thinking wouldn't it be nice to rent the room and have someone I could associate with and maybe have some level of social life. I was thinking I may want to rent to another transsexual, perhaps one who could help me on the journey that I am embarking on. Does anyone know where I could look or post an ad so I can find a tennent.

I know I have gotten some people worried and I am in a dark place, but I will not hurt myself. It is just that I feel so alone and when things happen to me I no longer have my aunt to call and that just compounds things. After the latest episode, I just felt like a hamster on one of those wheels... churning my legs for all my worth but never being able to get anywhere.

I want to explain what happened and why I am in the shape I am in.

Mom took an immediate job in one of the agricultural sheds since Aunt Opal would stay at home to take care of me and John. Dad soon joined Mom, sorting fruit and vegetables for shipment. I seem to remember this as being cantaloupes, but that doesn't seem right since we arrived in fall after most of the melons would have already been harvested.

yesterday at work while I was in the washroom, I stood up, and for a moment saw myself pants down in the mirror, seeing everything. I dont think I could possibly explain how ugly that part of me seems to me, how ... wrong it feels to have male parts.

I actually cried at the sight.

Sigh.

Found this picture somewhere on the web ages ago. Not sure if this is really cool or creepy. I think I’ll say cool! :D Just shows the wonders of makeup eh? Even if its a photoshop (a good one at that) its still an awesome pic!

Near the end of the three weeks, Aunt Grace got a phone call from Aunt Opal, the oldest of the sisters. Aunt Opal lived in Brawley, California a town almost as much like Casa Grande as Cleveland is like Chicago, which is to say, quite a lot and not at all.

went to a bible study run by my brother's church last night. It was pretty good, and they called me Dorothy without hesitation. Not sure what they thought about the whole thing, it simply never came up. But the end result is I got what I want more than anything else - to treated like the woman I am.

All in all, not bad.