Well, I had a better day at work last night, and now I'm off for a couple, so I'm going to try and get a few things accomplished. But its not all rosy, as you can guess by the title of this entry, and that's because there are things in my head that kinda scare me, and I have a number of almost-mental-illness like conditions that are less than fun.

They include having some OCD-like traits -I'm not a neat freak, or a germ freak, but I have a number of "magic" little routines that seem to serve no purpose other than keep me calm. ...

I felt like sharing a little bit before I go away. Lately I've been having a lot of dreams and remembering them, which really isn't that odd for me but I know some people would be envious. A week ago I had a dream that my Aunt was back living and approved that I bought a house. I was more worried that since she was officially dead and I spent the inheritance, she didn't have anything to live on monetarily (though she would always be allowed to stay with me). Anyway, that's not the dream I wanted to talk about.

First off, real life back story or the dream won't make sense.

I'm a bit confused right now about how to handle this news.

This past week I went to the doctor about my high blood pressure and mentioned the soreness around my right nipple. After examining me, he said I have gynecomastia. I guess I'm not really surprised as I am 55 yrs old, 5'8" and 245 lbs. I'm confused because I have feelings of both "not another problem" and "WOW".

Well, yesterday I came out to my daughter's teacher, basically to get her to watch out for any signs that Sam is getting bullied because of my transition. Coming out wasnt that big a deal - to either of us, based on her reaction, but I felt better for taking a step to help deal with the anxiety I was having over Sam. Hmmm. Actually DOING something proactive? Could be a good idea for other stuff too...

I am slowly walking down the path, fearfully, afraid, but moving forward.

The depression has receded, but it still lurks. Having accepted that I will probably transition, just not today, seems to have taken a load off. My boy says he thinks I am becoming much happier. I think he is right.

As I wander in the tunnel I dug for myself, and knowing that the light coming toward me is an oncoming train that I built, fueled, and sent toward me, I wonder if I am going to survive its impact. Somehow, no amount of bracing myself seems to be helping ...

I seem to have a high self-preservation instinct. Not only cant I kill myself, I cant even make myself go crazy properly....

Every day I pray I havent wasted my life, that somehow, something I've done will actually mean something in Eternity. If not, why be here at all?

Outside my mother's room is a charcoal portrait of me, taken in my 20's. I have a mustache in the picture, and for many years its been a bit of a challenge to not look at that painting without feeling a bit pained.

But yesterday, I happened to glance at it, and somehow, something had changed. Like one of the hidden images in some pictures, all of a sudden I could honestly see a girl in that face, even with the facial hair.

Make of that what you will.

I've gotten several requests for this and so I would like to let everyone know that I am ok, and I managed to get a therapist. I just got back from South Carolina, twelve plus hours in the car :(. Also, apparently my therapist doesn't think i have a very good psychiatrist.
hugs :)

I am a person who doubts almost everything. probably because I already believe in two completely impossible things already, and despite what Alice in Wonderland recommended, that's probably my limit, or maybe even over it.

What makes my impossibilities even harder to deal with is the fact that they are regarded as totally incompatible with each other in the sense that people who have tried to assure me that one is impossible, almost always believe that the other exists.

What are these two impossibilities?

Simple. The existence of God, and the existence of Dorothy.

This is the story of how I (came out)was outed by my parents as TG and how I really couldn't have done a worse job of it if I had tried to do it the worst way possible.

An apology, to all who called me on my being a drama queen over the incident with my car. I just got off the phone with the insurance company, and it turns out I'm NOT going to have to have a year's worth of coverage up front. Once again, what looked to me like a mountain turns out to be a mole-hill, and boy is my face red over my over-reaction.

Hopefully, this is a lesson I can learn for the next time something happens - dont make more trouble than is actually there, and take it one breath at a time.

Thanks to everyone who puts up with me anyway.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #46:  The Upside to Mental Problems, or At Least I'm Still a Size Zero To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

I spent Friday evening and the whole day Saturday in the hospital for a checkup. Just a checkup, no big deal.   My therapist thought it a good idea for me to have the checkup, and I did.   And since the set of tests to be done was just a hop, skip and a jump from those required for a full-blown complete physical, I agreed to the extra tests, x-rays and whatnot and made it a full physical - at least the kind of tests that my company's insurance carrier requires for a "full physical."   That means I doan pay nuthin'!   :-)   It's all on the company's bill, and it satisfies the yearly checkup requirement.

The results came Monday (the hospital apparently doesn't process test results on weekends), and then the squad of doctors that my therapist required did their thing and interpreted the results and typed up their findings, and we got everything Tuesday, which we brought to my therapist for her further perusal.

Anyways, my less-than-perfect bod was mostly okay.

Every morning, I get up, look at this body of mine, and wonder how I can possibly make being female work. I mean, put it in a suit and have it lose 50 pounds, and it would probably be called "handsome".

And yet here I am, trying to change that, and somehow make this body pass as a woman's.

Its dam hard, and sometimes, it feels like a hopeless task, so why do I bother?

I've never had enough discipline in my life to reach any goal I've set, so why do I think this will be any different than when I tried to become a nurse, or before that a teacher?

Well, finished dealing with the insurance company for the moment, and I got both the bad news and the worse news. The bad news is that due to the non-payment I was cut off as of April 1, and to re-start a policy I'm going to have to pay the yearly cost up front. So somehow over the next little bit I'm going to have to come up with 18,000 $ up front to have coverage for the upcoming year.

My wife and I are middle class and in 1999 we loaned are boys $5,000 to purchase a house(it got them out of our house LOL).Now 13 years later they are doing a short sell , when I said I was part of that short sell because we would not see our money back I thought we lost are connection do to the silence. YOU GOT TO LOVE EM -- RICHIE2

P.S. My older boy is a C P A at least he does my taxes for free

When I was a very young creature of uncertain gender, my brother began having vision troubles that ended with him having operations and needing to wear glasses. Not long after, I began to complain about my eyes as well, but something funny happened.

Nobody believed me.

They assumed that I was just trying to being like my big brother, and so patted me on the head, and told me to stop being silly.

It took months before my teacher finally told my parents to have my eyes actually checked, and it turned out I did indeed need glasses, and I wear them to this day.

Well, yesterday I made the first steps to getting myself out of the hole I've dug. My brother took me to the police station and I made my statement regarding the accident, and was given a ticket for distracted driving. My insurance company is closed for the holiday weekend (Its Victoria Day Monday), so the next step will be on Tuesday, and that one could be worse.

Sorry for the drama everyone. I'm okay, I'll be okay. Yeah, I probably made my life a thousand times more difficult, but somehow, I'll find a way through this. My feelings came out of exhaustion, hormones, and being an UN-medicated bipolar person with a life history that has produced a "failure tape" - a list of my mistakes that seems ready to play over and over again in my head at a moment's notice.

Yes, well, erm, I've notched up another milestone on my journey through life. In years gone by, I'd be exactly half way through my allotted three score and ten, but with the way both longetivity and statutory minimum retirement ages keep rising, I might still be as fit as a fiddle and in work by then. I can but hope :)

So... thirty five years I've been on this planet (well, I will have been as of about 5:45pm tonight, as mum will frequently remind me at this time of year!) - here's to many more.

Cheers! :)

Last night while I was puttering around here I got a message that someone wanted to talk. Turned out it was a young woman who was feeling suicidal. Among other things, she was struggling with having been sexually abused at a very young age. She sounded quite serious about killing herself, saying she had a wire around her neck, and I desperately begged her not to do it. I used every argument I could think of, and got her to take off the wire. Eventually, she signed off to go to bed, so I can only hope she will seek some professional help. I hope I helped her.

When I was 3, a teenage boy that was living in my uncle's house pulled down my underwear and ejaculated on me (though in my memory I remember it as him peeing on me, I think that's because at 3 that's the only liquid I thought came from there). At that moment I was a victim.

When I was 10, my cousin sexually molested me, causing me to perform oral sex on him, having him penetrate me anally, and finishing off with ejaculating in my mouth (which caused me to run out of the room, into the bathroom and vomiting). At that moment I was a victim.

I was mulching with the Wrecking Crew again today. We were doing one of the owner's houses in town. Both of them actually have several houses... Er... well, this one was more of a mansion.

Got called a "monster" by some kids at Sam's school today, and a kid was told, "Look out, its headed your way."

I have no idea where this came from, or what I could have possibly done to deserve that, but it kinda hurt.

Ah, well.

This is basically more of an explanation than a rant.

I have shut down. I barely read (that is when I know I am really down), I don't write or do electronics. I do my electronics forum moderation duties, but that is a duty, not just pleasure.