Growing up intersex and transgender was tough on me. I looked, walked, and talked like a girl while growing up because of being intersex, but since I wasn't allowed to be a girl, I was beaten, urinated on, had my jacket set on fire with me in it, had my hair set on fire and kids spit on it to 'put it out', and worst of all, I was sexually assaulted by a neighbor when I was only 8.

All the way into adulthood, I was called a freak and an it, and every time I asked someone out they freaked out that something like me would even have the audacity to ask them.

I wish I knew!

So, I was editing my next story on my iPad when I glanced at my writing folder and remembered “Sitting Pretty” was done. I did a fast proof read (too fast, as it turns out, as there are one or two rough patches), and turned it into an experiment on more rapid posting from an iPad. I don’t think it went too badly. Again, if my notes are to be believed, I wrote it sometime before December of 2013, when I was just a lurker here, before I made my account.

how badly am I missing getting physical hugs?

Today I bought a toy octopus plushie.

I'm pretty sure that's on the list of COVID cabin fever symptoms.

so its a late post - again!

Speaking and writing in English can be like opening a can of worms. In recent correspondence I’ve been asked (albeit politely) whether I meant ‘a flu shot’ rather than ‘a flu jab’, ‘careening (a word I’d never come across) rather than ‘careering’ and whether ‘whilst’ (as opposed to ‘while’) is common in British English (yes it is - although its use is gradually declining). These are all matters of usage which changes over time and place and is to be celebrated so long as it does not impede communication. None is more ‘correct’ than the other.

I've had new contact with my estranged Son, something I had given up on. He first emailed me, saying he was thinking of me, and tried to talk about my living in sexual sin. Sorry to drop the Religion Bomb on you, but I shared Matt 19:12 and Isaiah 56:4-5 with him, and later I got an email from him asking for my forgiveness.
He can't speak a sentence without using Scripture or mentioning God.

I'm very thankful but I do not plan on a deep relationship.

Gwen

Yep, the first new Gaby of 2021 is now available!

so to tell this story, I have to set the scene.

when I go to bed, I have a light soft fleece blanket and on top of that a weighted blanket.

So got that image: me, soft fleece, heavy weight.

So this morning, I woke up to discover I had somehow switched the two blankets, and now the weighted one was under the fleece one.

I have no idea how I did this . . .

Okay, so yesterday, after I has an exhausting day running Sharon and Sam around, my mom offered to make supper for me.

And while coming back to the kitchen while carrying a heavy pot with a heavy lid on it, the lid fell off and hit her on the top of her foot.

the top of the joint of her big toe was pretty swollen, couldn't put any weight on the foot, and I started struggling with guilt.

And then the day got worse.

I managed to trip and slammed into the carpet just about as hard as I could

So at this point I was sore, guilty, and worried about mom.

So yesterday, my mom got a new set of dentures, hopefully allowing her to eat more. She also got a pair of hearing aids, which also will help.

Will this mean we get a reprieve, and have her around a bit longer?

I guess time will tell.

its not been a bad week so far.

Because I am A: a nerd, and B: a bit strange, I sometimes picture my body as a starship, and every morning Captain Brain gets into the command chair and gets the status updates for the day.

Well, to extend the metaphor a bit, you ever see an episode of any of the Star Trek shows where the ship starts having a bunch of malfunctions and nobody knows why?

Yeah, that's pretty much me right now. as my balance is off, my PTSD is on red alert, various parts of my body are complaining of pain, and I'm just generally getting all kinds of error messages that I can't track down.

so far!

2 years ago, I had a benign tumor removed from my brain. The surgery went well, and the incision site has healed pretty well, although it still hurts at times. The tumor was squeezing my cerebrum on the left side of my head, causing what, for all intents and purposes, were short circuits in my brain. At times, my memory would completely disappear for several minutes. The partial brain seizures were frightening, and when I told people about them, even my doctor, I received the advice, just get your blood sugar under control.

I finally deleted Kylie from my hangouts contact list and all the emails we have exchanged.

Pardon me if I'm less than cheerful for a while.

has passed, but we're still eating leftovers!

When I usually talk about my negative self talk, aka "Mr. Nasty", its a "tape" of my various failures.

But sometimes, I get a "tape" that's much, much worse.

This "tape" is connected to my rapes, and the word it uses to describe me isn't "failure".

It's "Evil".

The reason I'm bringing it up now is that I spent most of last night trying to fight off that "tape".

So I think Team Dorothy to come to my rescue again.

Send words of encouragement, praise, or just send a hug if you can.

Thank you in advance.

Hey everyone,

It's been two weeks since I've gotten groceries. I had to go, or the specter of starvation might overcome me. Since the stimulus there was money to shop. I was poking about for some eggs and then I spotted those precooked pasta. These had shrimp and lobster inside. I reached round a Native looking man to get some. Later we looked through the Cereal together. Then I noticed Watermelon Juice. So did he. A frision began to steal its way through my innermost parts. Later, at the check stand, he was behind me. What would I do about my vow to finish my life alone?

My anxiety started at about 10:00 last night.

My thirty-year-old baby, the daughter who came to us later than most and after three boys -- called us complaining of intense pain.

She didn't want to go to the hospital until, and if, it was absolutely necessary due to covid worries. Yet - the pains seemed to be intensifying.

We were over two hundred miles away and could only give suggestions and sympathy.

At 4:30 we received a FaceTime call. The image of my wonderful daughter and her new son caused my heart to swell.

I finally went to sleep.

second time I've seen it down here.

so its been a good news/bad news situation here.

the good news is my mom is eating a little bit more, although it's still probably below or at best at the daily minimum.

the bad news is her anxiety has increased to the point she can't be left alone, even while in bed.

sighs . . .

Mike and Carol have been generously helping me with mom, so I don't get overwhelmed, but that has led me to struggle with guilt. Mike has his own struggles, and that makes me feel like I should be taking more of the load so he doesn't have to.

Fortunately at the moment I am able to recognize that making sure I don't burn out is actually doing good for Mom, so I'm resisting the guilt.

At least, for now.