Hi to all the people on this site, when i started writing The Girl inside the boy eight years ago i needed an Outlet for my overwelming emotians , at that stage I haden't come out to anyone about being transgendered. I have now lived as a post op Woman for seven years and have never looked back, apart from losing some famly members life has been pretty normal for me.

There are times I think I should have been born with a much lighter hair color (before anyone gets up in arms, did I say blond?) rather than the bright red I had as a child. Yes, it darkened into a nice auburn when I was a teenager, and then went boring brown as I got older.

I mean, what kind of idiot eats ghost chili potato chips, then (even after washing hands and using alcohol wipes) checks blood sugar levels, then injects insulin?

Ow ow ow!

so, my car's windshield wiper fluid distributor seems to be on the fritz, and my check engine light is on. which means bye bye more of my emergency money..

I'm pretty sure whatever is wrong happened when I accidently went over a high sidewalk, so it's nobody's fault but mine.

Sighs, I'm seriously tired of being a fuck-up, and right now I'm struggling with feeling like everybody around me would be better off without me.

Hey everyone,

So it's that day again and I'm feeling bleh. Things still aren't going great in my life and I'm in the middle of another insomnia/nightmares cycle again so I get maybe two or three solid hours a night once I finally drift off and then I wake terrified from nightmares, ptsd flashbacks, or a mix of both that are so realistic and terrifying that it takes me a good hour to shake them off and realize what reality actually is.

I'm sorry to post again so soon, but I had unfun day, as I got two different moments I could have done without. First, I discovered I have a rather odd PSTD reaction to pain in my leg. It not only sets off my anxiety, I have this terrible sensation that if I looked down at it, it would be a ruin. Then, later I had what I'm gonna refer to as a spontaneous male reaction. If you have (or had) male equipment, you know what I mean. Those always hit me a number of ways - they set off my dysphoria, they set off my PTSD, and they're bloody painful to boot.

Well, I had a rather down day today. It started with a bad dream that left me feeling like I was a pretty horrible person, and I just never really got out of the rut.

Ah, well, tomorrow is another day ...

Not the red top but my day!

so one of the few things my brother and sister-in-law have asked me to do around here is trim the grass in the summer.

But about a month ago, while I was using the electric trimmer, our neighbor swore through his window at me for apparently waking him up. since then, I've been terrified of trimming the lawn, and found all kinds of excuses not to do it.

The lawn now looks like crap, but I feel worse. sighs ….

I'm sorry to say I'm probably 2 weeks away from having anything new up. A number of events in real life have drained my writing spoons, just when I was making some progress on several ideas.

I hope I will still have readers by the time I have something for them to read ...

Chapter 1 out now!

Last night's dream was … interesting. It started with me in a crowed building, that seemed a combination of a school and recreation center complete with a wave pool. I wanted to get to the water, which I could see behind glass, But I was unable to do so, and asking the crowd of people didn't help. Finally Ieft frustrated, and instead of just asking, I began swearing at people.

here in Blighty!

It's the only holiday in August, my birthday. :) I'm 72.

I'm thankful for a lot of things in my life and one of those is BigCloset which I have been operating, with the help of friends, for almost 21 years.

It's fun and I'm convinced it helps keep me young, despite the occasional stress. :)

I'm kind of passed the age at which I expect birthday presents, but if there is anyone out there who would like to know that they made me smile, they can send a gift through the Hatbox via the links in the right-hand column of this page.

Some are aware that I drop in from time to time, read a bunch of stories, answer some messages. I have been very quiet over the last number of years, I am truly amazed at just how long that has been. I never left though, I just never managed to pull my muse back together or perhaps it has found a new expression in art. I spend a lot of time painting or doing digital art, it's quite relaxing. However, I still read a lot and there are so many capable writers here.

So once again, sorry for not posting yesterday.

In case anyone hears about it, I live near the Apple Fire, currently burning east of San Bernardino, but it is moving east and north away from me.

I'm okay, there's almost no wind and fire travels uphill, usually; it's already 2000 feet further up the mountain than where I live.

Hugs,
Erin

and more!

I'm extremely frustrated with my PTSD. I've taken therapy. Then taken even more therapy. And yet all it takes is a touch in the wrong place and I'm right back in the bad days.

Somebody, can you tell me if it ever goes away?

of this daylight stuff - I think!

So yesterday was a super stressful day.

and I've uploaded already!

last night I had a dream with a difference. It wasn't the fact I was apparently taking classes at university and getting lost, it wasn't even the fact that when I went to the cafeteria I realized I didn't have my wallet.

It was the fact that said wallet was in my purse.

Which means that even though I was having a very bad day, I was at least attending as Dorothy, which to the best of my knowledge, has never happened to me in a dream before.

I don't know, that feels slightly hopeful to me.