~* Spring Break *~ Nicole smiled fondly as she leaned closer. We exchanged a brief, soft kiss before I rested my head on her shoulder, letting her hold me in serene silence. “I felt the same way. I’ve always been shy about relationships. I don’t even know how I ended up staying with Jason for so long, but the entire time I was at my rock camp, I couldn’t stop thinking about you. Everyone thinks we’re too young to have these kinds of feelings.” She hesitated, as though she wanted to say more. “What is it?” I asked as I raised my head again. “I don’t know about you, but I stopped being a child a long time ago,” she answered softly.

---

Author's Note:
WARNING: This chapter contains an allusion to child abuse and the ramifications of that abuse years later. As is usually the case when I breach this subject, NOTHING explicit is mentioned, but given the sensitive nature of this subject, I want to state it upfront. I've also set the Rating to Mature-15 appropriately.

~Zoe

---

I knew that not many of our squad would be able to attend the cheer retreat, but I still didn’t expect so few. Only Coach Greer, Chelsea, Jennifer, Victoria, and Tracy, as well as Katelyn were waiting at the school parking lot when Mom dropped me off.

The sun had just begun to rise as I slung my backpack bulging backpack over my shoulder and approached Victoria and Jennifer. Chelsea and Katelyn stood off just out of earshot, talking quietly.

“Hey you,” Jennifer offered warmly as we exchanged a quick hug.

“Hey. Have you talked to Ally?”

She smiled at that and nodded. “About Josh? Yeah,” she answered with practiced neutrality.

“And?”

“We’re no longer on speaking terms,” she answered simply.

“What?”

She started to giggle. “I’m kidding! She called me last night, and we had a really long talk, not just about Josh, but about a lot of things.” She glanced toward Chelsea and Katelyn, smiling as she turned back toward me. “I guess it’s partly my fault for never really talking about why Josh and I broke up. I really like him, but not ‘like’ him like him, you know? He’s a sweet guy, and a great friend, but there just wasn’t any,” she trailed off.

Victoria perked up. “Spark.”

“Yes, exactly; if they’re happy together, then I’m happy for them. Besides, he sent me the sweetest card and flowers for Valentine’s, not to win me back, but,” she paused and giggled, “Because he felt guilty about the timing. I know he’ll treat her right.”

“Ready girls?” Coach Greer asked as she approached us. Victoria nodded.

“Just waiting on Chelsea and Katelyn. I don’t know what happened, but they’ve been like that for awhile now.”

As if on cue, the two embraced, and after Chelsea gave Katelyn an acknowledging nod to whatever had been said, they both turned to approach us. Katelyn pulled me into a hug now, whispering a ‘thanks’ before turning to Coach Greer. “So are we like, taking a bus or something?”

“I thought about renting a short bus,” Coach Greer teased, “But I didn’t want to give anyone cause for tasteless jokes. Victoria and I will be taking our cars.”

~oOo~

The camp was much as I remembered it. Rather than finding our cabin assignments though, Coach Greer advised that we needed to find the central pavilion, which wouldn’t have been difficult anyway, considering the slow, steady trickle of girls (and boys) from other schools around the region along the main path.

We had no sooner stepped onto the pavilion proper though, when Rachel, and about a half dozen others, shouted “SPIRIT!” A chorus of giggles followed both from her friends and mine, as Jennifer and I both raced to meet her.

“Hey!” she practically cheered, catching me in a hug first. “I thought we might see you guys here.”

“Are you kidding? Our cheer coach is Director Meredith’s sister-in-law. We’re practically obligated,” Jennifer teased. “Have they given cabin assignments yet?”

“Not yet. Since there are some squads with guys, either as part of the squad or as mascots, they’ll probably do ground rules first, but it’s just a formality.”

We mingled a little with the other squads while waiting for Meredith and the collection of coaches and instructors to get organized. By the time Meredith blew her whistle to get our attention, most of us had already found a place to sit.

“Welcome to the first annual Connecticut Regional Cheer Retreat.” She paused, waiting for the chorus of enthusiastic cheers and applause to die down before continuing. “Let me get the obvious out of the way first. Yes, this is normally a girls’ summer camp, but don’t worry, you boys won’t catch cooties.” She chuckled to herself as she smiled.

“All kidding aside, cabins are rock solid and air-tight, and beds are what you would expect at a college campus. It’s not pretty, but it’s not sleeping on a rock either. Shower facilities are available, and we have a full volunteer staff in addition to instructors and trainers should you need anything. Since this is a retreat, and not a camp, electronic devices are allowed, for those of you that have been here before.”

She stepped aside as a woman in her mid-twenties stood to introduce herself in an all-too-perky tone. The introductions and discussions of activity structure went on for about twenty minutes, after which we were given our cabin assignments. Since there were only six of us, we were given our old CIT cabin thirteen, much to Jennifer’s and my amusement.

“Hey, who’s this?” Katelyn asked. Crystal’s portrait still sat in the window where we had left it. Unlike our last visit, someone had clearly been taking care of the cabin since camp. A small ring of fresh flowers had been left beside the picture as well. Jennifer smiled as she approached.

“That’s Crystal Grace. She was one of the sweetest, kindest girls you could ever know.”

“Was?” Katelyn frowned. “What happened?”

“It’s a long story,” I offered gently, as I set my backpack down. “The camp wanted to pretend her death never happened. The higher-ups believed it was best for everyone involved.”

~oOo~

Following our first instructional session that day, we had about thirty minutes of free time, and I found myself walking down by the lake. The water had risen from the excess rainfall, though it still felt as calming, and as peaceful as when I had been there last June. As the pier came into view though, something felt ‘off’. I stopped beneath an ancient, gnarled tree, staring at the pier. I suddenly remembered my nightmare. This was where it had taken place.

“Hey,” a slightly older female voice called from behind me. I turned to see Nurse Brianna smiling back. “Robin, I thought it was you. You forgot to come see me about your allergy medication,” she teased. ‘Allergy medication’ had largely become something of a private joke between those who knew I took hormone replacement as part of my transition.

I smiled meekly as I wrapped her in a hug. I recognized her, or at least a younger version of her, from that dream as well. “You’re not dating a guy named Jim are you?”

She let out a surprised laugh. “I’m sorry?”

I shook my head. “Nothing. It’s just a stupid dream I had a few nights ago.” I turned back to the lake again, but smiled. “I guess my mind thought of this place because it’s special. You were my age, and my cousin, and dating some guy named Jim. And Jim kissed me when you weren’t looking.”

“That’s an interesting dream,” she offered as she rested her hand on my shoulder.

“More like a nightmare. The feelings it brought out … it was like the nightmares I had after I first started taking,” I paused, “allergy medication.”

She chuckled to herself. “Are you okay now, though? If there’s something you need to talk about,” she trailed off, watching me. I smiled as I shook my head.

“No, I’m okay now, really. I had a long talk with,” I paused again, inhaling slowly. She may as well know now that Counselor Dunham did as well, “with Nikki, my girlfriend.”

“Ouch. Now I see why it bothered you so much.”

I nodded, smiling wryly. “I’ve never kissed a guy, and I’ve never really wanted to. I think it was my mind’s way of answering the big question, you know? Both Jen and Ally are so, so ‘certain’ that they like guys. It’s just ‘right’ for them. I used to date girls because that’s what I thought guys did, but now, Nikki and I have been going steady since camp because it’s what we want. It’s what feels ‘right’.”

“If it’s what you want, and if it’s what feels right for you, then you shouldn’t let anyone else dictate otherwise. No one can know what’s in your heart but you. For what it’s worth though, I’ve never dated anyone named Jim, but I am married to a wonderful man named Carl,” she teased. I had to laugh.

“Nurse Bri? You rock. Oh, did Meredith tell you about my Mom?” I smiled brightly, genuinely, recounting the events of my leaving camp early last year as Nurse Brianna walked with me to the camp mess hall/cafeteria.

~oOo~

Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning were a great deal more intense than I expected, but we were rewarded for our efforts in improvements in both skill and, more importantly, squad communication. Even our stunting had improved. With theinstructors’ help, Katelyn and I both learned how to properly perform the ‘Liberty’ stunt, a one-leg stunt that required a lot of practice on the ground before either of us dared to try it in air.

Sunday afternoon, Victoria dropped me off back at Ash and Mom’s. I spent much of the afternoon with them just getting caught up and enjoying some family bonding time. Ash took me out for a highway driving lesson in the early evening, and Mom had dinner waiting for us when we got back home.

It was a picture perfect ending to a perfect weekend. I almost hated to leave them behind, with the whole spring break ahead of me, but I promised the others a camping trip, so early Monday morning, Mom dropped me off at Margie’s to give me time to prepare.

“Hey kiddo,” Margie called cheerfully from the kitchen as I stepped into the house. I had to laugh.

“How’d you know it was me?”

Kelly called back this time, “Because I’m in here, and Allison knew you’d be at Ash’s. How was the retreat?”

“Kelly, hey!” I cheered. I stepped into the room to find the two of them enjoying coffee at the kitchen table. Kelly smiled as she raised her mug in greeting. “Camp was awesome. I learned a lot, plus I got to catch up with Nurse Bri. Oh, and I found us a tutor.”

“Us?” she echoed. As it started to sink in, a broad smile crossed her lips. “Who is it?”

“Katelyn Derrick,” I answered with a giggle. “She came over Friday night and taught me some new tricks, but she said she’d come over next Saturday if I still wanted to continue learning classical style. I told her you might be interested too.”

“Allison mentioned you guys patched things up, but I wasn’t expecting this.”

“Me either, to be honest. It turns out we have a lot more in common than either of us realized. She’s really sweet once you get to know her. Did I miss anything while I was gone?”

They glanced at each other and Margie grinned. “Should I tell her?”

Kelly laughed. “She’s on a roll. Why interrupt it?”

“Okay, what are you two up to?”

Margie simply nodded at me. Suddenly a pair of hands covered my eyes. I squealed as Andrea cheered. “Guess who?”

“Bob, from accounting?” She laughed, goosing my sides. “Ack! Hey, no fair!” I giggled as I spun around to hug her. She smiled brightly.

“It is so good to see you again,” she offered. “I’m sorry about the problems I caused before.”

“It’s okay,” I offered. “How have you been anyway? I mean, I know you said things were getting better, but what happened with your guy friend?”

She started blushing. “I so didn’t want a relationship until I could get things, you know, ‘stable’, but Cupid had other plans. We’re not going steady yet, but he gave me this,” she held out her hand, bearing a simple silver pinky ring. “It’s just a ring. I mean, it’s not like a promise ring or anything weird, but it’s still sweet, and I really like him.”

“But?”

She pouted. “But… I’m scared Robin. I’ve been burned twice, watched my whole social status go straight to crap because my so-called friends thought I was a slut.”

“Wait, what?”

She exhaled slowly. “The pig-headed ass was spreading rumors about me being easy. That’s what started it all, and it just kind of went downhill from there. I guess I should have told you that before.”

“Oh, Andrea, I’m so sorry,” I offered as I hugged her. She smiled meekly.

“Thanks. I’m over it now. I’m going to a new school, and basically I got a fresh start. People ask about the scars,” she frowned as she slowly turned her wrists over as though she didn’t want to remind herself anymore than she wanted to remind me, “But most accept the ‘I fell’ excuse.”

“Well you always were a bit of a klutz,” I teased.

“Shuddap,” she shot back playfully, giggling. “So where is everyone?”

“Jen’s probably still vegging out after cheer camp, but she and Nikki are supposed to come over this morning. I was thinking about checking on Ally though. We sort of have a surprise for you, but only if you’re interested,” I added as I started for the door.

“A surprise? What is it?”

“Well, it’s been too cold to go camping since, like, September, but now that the nights are a little warmer, by Connecticut standards anyway, would you like to go camping? It’d just be one night, and the site’s not far from civilization.”

“You mean like, out in the wilderness, no phone, no lights, no motor car?”

“Not a single luxury,” I answered. She rolled her eyes. “It’s actually a lot of fun. Ally’s bringing her guitar, and like I said, we have tents and sleeping bags, so the cold won’t be that bad.”

“Okay, I’ll think about it,” she replied as we stepped inside the Jones’ house. Allison’s mother, Carol, poked her head around the kitchen doorway and smiled. “Hi Robin, I thought that might be you. Oh,” she paused for a moment, studying Andrea. “You’re, ah, Andrea was it?”

Andrea nodded. “Yes ma’am.”

“Oh, pah. Call me Carol, dear: any friend of Robin’s. Just make yourselves at home. Allison’s out in the garage taking stock of our old camping gear to see if anything needs to be replaced if you want to go on out. I just finished baking a fresh pan of blueberry muffins if you’re hungry, too.”

“Thanks,” I offered cheerfully. “They smell wonderful.”

Andrea giggled. “Okay, this block officially has the coolest Moms ever. My Mom doesn’t even know how to bake. We live out of a Chinese restaurant box most of the time.”

Carol wrinkled her nose at the thought, but didn’t say anything as Andrea and I made our way to the garage.

“Is that you, Mom?” Allison called. She had her head buried in a large storage container. “Mom?”

I brought my finger to my lips as I turned to wink at Andrea. Creeping closer, I carefully picked up the empty trash bin just behind and to Allison’s right, letting it drop with a loud thunk. She squealed loudly as she spun around.

“Jeez!” she giggled. Andrea held up her hands.

“I’m totally innocent. Well, mostly totally.”

“Uh-huh. So did Robin tell you? Did you tell her?” Allison asked in rapid succession.

“I asked her,” I answered simply. Allison’s face fell as she turned back to Andrea, but she received a smile in return.

“Oh don’t look at me like that. I told her I’d think about it. It sounds like fun; I’m just not sure if you really want me along. I’m not exactly an outdoor person.”

“Neither were Robin or Nikki,” she teased. “Actually, Jen isn’t really either, or at least not in the traditional sense. That’s what makes it fun. It takes you out of your element, but in a good way.”

As if on cue, someone banged loudly on the garage door causing both Allison and Andrea to squeal in surprise. We could hear Jennifer’s giggle from the other side and a few moments later, she and Nicole had made their way through the house to the kitchen entrance. Nicole raced to my side first, and I immediately turned to embrace her, though for the sake of our friends present we only shared a brief, chaste kiss. She grinned.

“Hey stranger, a little surfing bird told me you confronted your nightmare.”

I smiled at Jennifer for a moment before returning my attention to Nicole and nodding. “It’s like once I saw the lake, it put everything into context.”

“How’s that?” she asked. Allison quietly nodded toward the door with a sly smile, leading Andrea and Jennifer back to the kitchen.

“Remember at camp-” I started, but the whimsical smile that crossed her lips spoke volumes. She remembered. “The way the guy and I were sitting was exactly like how you and I were. I laid awake that night, wishing you had kissed me.”

“So your mind took that memory and like,” she cupped her hands, making a twisting motion, “Twisted it around?”

“Yeah,” I answered, blushing. “I wanted to be with you so much it hurt. ‘Being friends’ was killing me. This dream was like the polar opposite of it. That kind of explains why it felt so real, though.”

Nicole smiled fondly as she leaned closer. We exchanged a brief, soft kiss before I rested my head on her shoulder, letting her hold me in serene silence.

“I felt the same way. I’ve always been shy about relationships. I don’t even know how I ended up staying with Jason for so long, but the entire time I was at my rock camp, I couldn’t stop thinking about you. Everyone thinks we’re too young to have these kinds of feelings.” She hesitated, as though she wanted to say more.

“What is it?” I asked as I raised my head again.

“I don’t know about you, but I stopped being a child a long time ago,” she answered softly. I couldn’t recall seeing Nicole cry more than twice since I’d known her, first when we first met, and again at her sixteenth birthday party. She buried her face in my shoulder as she clung tightly to me. I held her close, gently ushering her back inside.

Carol gave us a startled look. I smiled wryly back at her, simply leading Nicole into the living room. As I eased her down, Allison quietly entered the room carrying a box of tissues. She set them down and started to leave again, but Nicole’s hand shot out, like a cobra striking its prey, and latched onto her hand. Allison turned back to kneel, and Nicole turned to face her, trying to get herself under control again.

“I’m sorry,” she sobbed.

Allison quickly shook her head. “There’s nothing to be sorry for, but can I ask what happened?” She looked between us, confused.

“It’s my fault,” I offered softly, about to explain, but Nicole turned sharply to glare at me.

“This is not your fault,” she answered bitterly. “It’s HIS fault. That rotten bastard. I hate him,” she shouted.

“It’s okay Nikki,” I tried again as I squeezed her hand. “Let it out.”

~oOo~

I don’t think any of us expected what happened to happen. How could we have known all these years later that she still hurt so deeply? I felt horribly guilty for triggering it though. I hated that she hurt, and I hated that I couldn’t do anything about it even worse. Jennifer and Andrea slipped inside to help comfort her, and eventually Carol and Kelly as well. Nicole told us everything, in bitter, curse-laden detail over the next hour and a half. When she had finished, she slowly leaned in, squeezing me close.

“I’m sorry, guys,” she spoke softly. “I’ve just buried it for so long; I … thought I was over it.”

Kelly shook her head, “Nikki, sweetheart, this isn’t something you can just ‘get over’. I realize you’re strong. You’re probably the single strongest young woman I’ve ever met for being able to carry on this long, but there’s no shame in admitting you need help.”

Nicole smiled meekly at that. “I guess.”

“I have an appointment to see Barbara this Saturday. I don’t really have anything pressing to talk to her about though. Why don’t you come with me?”

Her smile broadened a little at that as she nodded. “Okay. I know I said no before, but I need to do something. I don’t want to let this crap rule my life anymore. I love you too much,” she added softly. I smiled as I lifted her hand, pressing my lips against her palm which elicited a soft giggle from her. “Hey, that tickles.”

“I love you too,” I answered. “And even though what I suffered is nowhere near your pain, I do understand what it can do to you. Like your relationship with Jason, mine with Andrea was a lie too.”

Andrea stood to kneel next to us, taking both our hands and sandwiching them together between hers. “Yes, but I was using you, too. You were at least nice to me. That’s why I ended up trying to date another girl. I wanted, needed to see if it was just you.” Her cheeks burned brightly as she shook her head. “But we all know how that turned out.”

Nicole stifled a small chuckle. “So um, I hope this doesn’t mean the camping trip is off because I could really use some downtime just us and the wilderness.”

Allison glanced at Jennifer, then back at us. “Hey, if you’re still up for it, then absolutely. I even found our old fishing poles, but it’s probably too early for any serious fishing.”

Andrea turned a shade pale as she looked back at Allison. “Fishing? But don’t you have to, like, do stuff to make them edible?”

Allison giggled. “Oh, I always catch and release. Yeah I don’t ‘do’ cleaning. The only fish I eat comes in a basket at Long John Silver’s.”

I couldn’t help the laugh that escaped at Andrea’s relieved sigh.

~oOo~

We had ultimately decided to stick to just camping for that trip. After Allison returned from the sporting goods and grocery stores, we delegated packing responsibilities, and by noon we were ready to head out. Of course, there was no way Andrea’s designer sneakers would survive the trip, so Allison loaned her a pair of hiking boots.

We set out from the Jones’, following our old, familiar hiking trail. As we walked along, conversation drifted from nothing in particular to nothing of importance, occasionally interrupted by the odd squirrel just coming out of hibernation. When we came within view of what was once the old stream, however, we all came to an abrupt stop. The gentle summer brook that we knew and loved had risen well above where it was last summer.

“See that tiny rock poking over the surface in the middle, there?” I asked, glancing at Andrea. She nodded. “That’s where we had our first picnic, when Ally invited Nikki and me to join the scouts.”

“But how did you get way out there?”

Allison giggled. “That’s just it. The creek’s out of its banks, probably from snowmelt. We’ll have to find higher ground for safety’s sake. One good rain and we’d be swept away.”

Andrea turned a shade pale, but I gave her a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry, Ally and Jen know these woods. Ally was on the SAR team that found me when I got lost out here.”

“SAR?” she echoed.

“Search and Rescue,” Jennifer answered with a smile. As we pressed forward, following the water upstream in search of a suitable campsite, Allison related the one story Andrea never heard, about how exactly I ‘became’ Robin. Andrea listened with childlike wonder. She had really changed since last year, no longer the shallow, callous hag I once thought her to be. In an ironic twist, we were more alike than we realized; both too insecure to be ourselves.

Eventually we found an area with a sloped bank where the stream-turned-river would be unlikely to get washed over barring an absolutely torrential downpour, and we started to set up our camp. Off in the distance, we could hear a motor tearing through the woods. Jennifer chuckled.

“Just an ATV; it’s probably someone who had the same idea we did, or it could be Wildlife Conservation. Just keep alert, and we’ll be fine,” she mused, driving the final tent stake into the ground.

Sure enough, just as we had begun to arrange our firewood amidst a circle of river stones, the ATV rolled to a stop. Its rider was an average-sized man wearing olive drab colored trousers, rugged hiking boots, and a dark green jacket. Even if the patch on his shoulder hadn’t identified him as a forest service ranger, the iconic ‘Smokey the Bear’ flat-brimmed hat gave it away.

“Afternoon girls,” he offered cheerfully.

“Hi there,” Allison responded in-kind. “Is there something we can do for you?”

“I was about to ask the same,” he answered. “Do you have an adult with you?”

I shook my head. “No, sir. Most of us are trained Girl Scout CITs though.”

“Oh,” he answered, letting down his guard slightly. “Well, that’s certainly different. I made Eagle myself in the Boy Scouts back in the day. I was going to warn you about the stream being out of banks, but I can see you’ve already taken that into consideration, and you don’t have any fishing gear, so there’s no need for a license check, so I’ll just let you get back to it. Have fun, but be safe.”

He smiled as he waved, turning to return to his vehicle. Within a few seconds, he sped off into the woods again.

“Well that was weird,” Nicole mumbled. Andrea nodded.

“Very.”

Allison chuckled. “Nah. I’ve seen him before. My family used to camp out here a lot back before Dad got a promotion. I’m kind of hoping I can talk them into going again though. Dad needs to unwind sometimes too.” She picked up her guitar just as Jennifer pulled a small book of matches from one of our knapsacks and struck one, tossing the lit match into the kindling.

“So any requests?”

“Rock Lobster,” Andrea joked. Allison shot her a grin and started playing.

I sat down beside Nicole as Jennifer passed out the marshmallows, and she smiled back at me, leaning in to rest her head on my shoulder.

“Thanks Robin,” she whispered.

“For what?”

“For being you, for catching me when I fall, and for helping me realize it’s okay to ask for help.” A singular, glistening tear rolled down her cheek, but she still smiled despite it. “I’m kinda looking forward to talking to your shrink, if you can believe it.”

I smiled as I kissed the top of her head. “Thank you for trusting me,” I whispered back. “Are you okay, though?”

She shook her head slowly. “I haven’t been ‘okay’ for a long time, but I finally feel like maybe I will be. Like I said, I really needed this trip, just to get away from everything. I’m not going to have another breakdown; at least, not if I can help it,” she added with a wry smile, “But the sooner Saturday gets here, the better.”

She gave me a reassuring smile as she snuggled closer, poking her marshmallow-on-a-stick into the fire to roast the sugary treat, and I wrapped my arm around her, slowly running my hand through her hair. I didn’t know what else I could say, or do, so I resolved myself to enjoying the silence that had fallen over our little group, excepting of course, Allison’s guitar.