~* Girl, Uncertain *~ "You didn't answer my question. Why do I look like her? I'm adopted, aren't I? My real parents were assholes who... Who..." she stopped, and broke down completely, burying her face in my shoulder. I helplessly held her, stroking her hair and trying to calm her. I didn’t know what else to do. She had been hurt so deeply by those monsters. Even with therapy, she still buried much of her pain and sorrow. Lily-Rose looked at Nicole sadly. "Yes child you were adopted twice really: once by those people who claimed to be your parents, and then again by your uncle."

---

What Lily had said to me made a good deal of sense really. Even if I had been here instead of at camp, there was no more I could have done than what the paramedics already did. Still, I wanted to try and help. I wanted to do … something. The doctors said that even though they had Sarah in a light coma while she recovered, that there was a good chance she could still hear us.

I waited until everyone else had left before I talked to her though. Katelyn had gone to find a bathroom, and Meg to tend to her job. Zoey I knew was around somewhere, but Ashleigh had flown back to DC to put out some unrelated legal fires, leaving me at least for a moment, as the only one there to keep her company. I reached out for her limp hand, and curled her fingers around mine, bringing it up and kissing the back gently.

“You know you really gave me a scare,” I spoke softly. “The doctors are amazed at how fast you’re recovering. They say you must have an angel watching over you. I came as soon as I heard something had happened.” I sighed, sitting down, but still holding her hand. “I just knew it was my fault. I knew I abandoned you. But I’m over that now. Nikki’s gram gave me some good advice, and I intend to take it.”

Sarah stirred very slightly, and I waited, hoping she might wake. She remained still, and I continued. “Anyway, camp is as beautiful as I remember it. Sarah I hope you decide to come with me for the second session. I just know you’re going to love it.”

I closed my eyes, letting a few stray tears roll down my cheeks and swallowing the lump in my throat before I continued. “Katelyn and I talked. I know you slipped up and told her about me being transgendered. I just want you to know it’s okay. I know it was an accident, and I’m not upset with you. I was a little upset at the situation until Katelyn told me that it doesn’t change anything. She says you both will continue to support me, to be here for me. I can’t tell you how much that means to me.”

I paused to let go of Sarah’s hand so I could dry my eyes. “Sarah I know I should be talking to Nikki and the others about what I’m feeling, but in a way I’m scared that I’ll destroy this perfect illusion they have of me as the all-american girl. I know it’s stupid. I know they love me, and they’ll always see me as the girl they know I am, but there’s just so much outside pressure to conform. I don’t know if I’ll be able to make it to eighteen anymore.”

As I leaned forward, burying my head in my hands, I suddenly felt a soft touch on my shoulder, sliding down my back. I opened my eyes just in time to see Zoey smiling back at me, wrapping me in a much-needed hug.

“I’m sorry sweetie. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but you sounded like you needed a hug.”

I smiled meekly back at her. “Sarah’s been my go-to girl for talking about my … issues for awhile now. I don’t like to dump my problems on people, but she’s just so easy to talk to - when she’s not in a coma, I mean,” I giggled a little. Zoey stifled a soft laugh.

“Robin, what did you mean about not making it to eighteen?”

“Oh, it’s not what it sounds like, ma’am,” I quickly corrected her. “You’re a therapist right?”

She smiled as she nodded. “Yes. Licensed in four states.”

“Then you can keep a secret.” I couldn't actually remember if Sarah had told Zoey or not at that point. My emotions were like a river overflowing a dam, and I needed to talk to someone who could talk back, so I let it all out.

“The truth is, I’m transgendered. I’ve been living full-time as Robin for about a year now, but dressed like a girl every single chance I got before then. I promised myself I’d wait until my eighteenth birthday before having ‘the surgery’, but sometimes I just don’t know if I can make it that long.” I sighed softly. “I was just telling my regular therapist, Barbara Ketzowski that I’m not ready for that step yet, but... I just don’t know.”

Zoey gave me a soft smile and hugged me again. “Oh, honey, I’ve been there,” she giggled softly. “I’m post-operative myself.”

“When did it become too much for you?”

She smiled meekly. “When I was almost sexually molested by a fellow student. I know that probably sounds twisted. I had been living as Zoey for awhile, but I thought I could get by with just HRT and put surgery off for later, but that near attack made me deeply self-conscious of my male parts. I mean, I was already extremely self-conscious of their presence, but after that day it was all I could think about.” She sighed softly, shutting her eyes.

“Oh, I’m sorry. You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” I offered, but she shook her head.

“No, it’s important that you hear this. When I finally had it done, I realized that I wanted to have it done all my life. I had just been lying to myself about being comfortable with putting it off. I’m not telling you that you should go through with it. In fact, if you can live your life happily without it, then you should, but if having male reproductive organs gets in the way of your life the way it did with mine, then you shouldn’t be afraid to follow your heart.

“Each person’s journey is different, though. I have one good friend who never had the surgery because for her, presenting and living as female was enough to make her feel whole. I tried that, but I just couldn’t do it. I needed to remove the distraction from my life so that I could focus on my studies and finish my degree. What exactly is it that’s driving you to consider it?”

“A lot of things. I feel like an outsider on my own team. I can’t shower with my teammates, and I have to explain it to them constantly, basically half-lying about having a disfiguring medical condition.”

Zoey cracked a smile, giggling a little. “Oh that’s a good one. Do you mind if I use that with my patients?”

I smiled as I shook my head. “No, go ahead. It’s worked great for me so far. I’m on the basketball team and varsity cheer squad, so I get it from both sides. I have to change in the coaches’ offices and usually shower there too, if I don’t wait until I get home. I use the girls’ bathrooms at school, but I have to double-check the latch.” I finally broke down, sobbing quietly into her shoulder.

“I’m constantly worried about my girlfriend or my friends accidentally walking in on me while I’m changing. I’m just so tired of hiding, Zoey. I want to be free.”

“Shh, it’s okay,” she whispered. “Ashleigh and I run a special program to help girls like you. Barbara happens to be on my list of contacts so you’re already in a great position. Your family and friends love and support you too right?”

“Yeah. Even Ash’ Rogers, my step-dad, has been really cool about everything.”

“Even so, though, the choice is ultimately up to you. I will warn you that recovery is a slow, sometimes painful, and difficult process. If you decide you want to do this, you won’t be able to do much else this summer.”

“I know,” I answered softly. “That’s the problem. I want to do basketball workshops, and attend cheer camps. I want to do normal ‘girl’ stuff, but I want - I need to get this done before college because I just don’t think I can handle this kind of distraction when I go to work on my degree. Everybody’s pushing for me to go to Yale - myself included. I love the campus, and I’ve already met a couple of instructors, but I need to have my A-game for a college like that.”

“Oh dear,” Zoey answered and nodded. “I can see why that would be an issue for you. As I said, I was working on my degree at the time, too.”

“If you were me, would you have had it done when you were my age?”

“Honestly? I wouldn’t have been brave enough to live as myself at your age. I was terrified of what people would do to me if they found out, most of all my father, God rest his soul. Like I said, each person’s path is different. But I believe you’re a strong, caring, intelligent girl, and I know you’ll find a way if it’s what you truly want to do.” She smiled and leaned closer to hug me again.

“Thank you, Zoey,” I answered sheepishly. “I kind of already know how I can make cheer stuff work without actually attending camp. I just don’t know if I want to go through with it yet. I need to talk to my family and friends, and Barbara. I wish I could just wave a magic wand and make myself a girl, but then I wouldn’t be the person I am today, would I?” I giggled a little as I stood.

“I suppose that’s true. If our experiences define us, then losing those experiences would be a kind of death. Better to think about the positives, about how much stronger you are for your struggle. I know you’ll succeed in anything you set your mind to.”

I hugged Zoey again, still smiling. “Thank you so much for the talk. I feel a lot better about things now. I’m going to head back to camp in a few days. I want to help straighten Sarah’s house first, but I’ll use my camp time to decide what I want to do. Being there, even though I’m a counselor in training, is just so relaxing.”

“We’ve hired a professional cleaning crew to handle the worst of the house, but if you want to go over and make sure everything’s in order, I’ll set you up a temporary security access code. Just call me and let me know when you’re ready.”

“Thank you. I just hate feeling helpless. I want to do something for her before I leave for camp again, you know? Anyway, thanks again.”

I turned to step out, only to find Nicole approaching me. She looked a little somber, so I wrapped her in a hug almost immediately and kissed her cheek.

“Hey cutie,” she whispered, and nuzzled into my neck, squeezing me close.

“Hey you. What’s wrong?”

“Not ‘wrong’ exactly,” Nicole answered. “Just confused as hell.” She took me by the hand, leading me back to the elevators, though she wouldn’t say anything else until after we had stepped on. She reached into her jeans pocket, producing a faded potograph that she held up for me. “Who does that look like to you?”

“Wow. She looks just like you. Who is she?”

Nicole frowned. “That’s my dad’s sister, Rachel.”

“Rachel?” I echoed, confused. “B-but I thought-”

“Yeah, me too,” Nicole answered. “Nobody likes to talk about ‘Aunt’ Rachel. I didn’t even know she existed until just recently when some new neighbors finally moved into the old Jewel place across the road. Apparently the lady, Rachel and Bob were good friends growing up. If anybody knows what the hell is going on, it’s going to be Gramma Lily, but I’m afraid of talking to her.”

“What? Why?” I asked softly. “Lily is such a caring, wonderful woman Nikki. I’m sure she’d be willing to tell you whatever you want to know.”

“You know Gramma Lily?” Nicole looked stunned, so much so that she hadn’t even noticed the elevator doors opening, at least until I pulled her along with me out to the lobby.

“I met her just recently. She was walking the stream behind my house. We met at that big old boulder we’re all so fond of. She gave me some really great advice about why I shouldn’t feel guilty about what happened to Sarah,” I added, and smiled. “Come on. Let’s go talk to her?”

“Okay,” she answered reluctantly. “But can we pick up your car first? She’s at home, but I have a feeling I’m going to need to clear my head before this is over, and I’d just rather you be driving right now.” She smiled, but her tone screamed of concern, even distraction.

“Um, okay,” I answered, curious, but not about to ask.

~oOo~

Just as we entered Nicole’s home someone knocked at her door. She glanced at me for just a moment, turning back to open it. Waiting on the other side stood a rather attractive seventeen year old girl with strawberry blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes, dressed in a pale green t-shirt and white shorts. “Yes? Can I help you?”

"Oh, hello there. Is your grandmother Lily-Rose home?" she asked simply, as though she were expected.

"Ah Nicole is that Melody at the door?" Lily-Rose called from further inside.
Melody smiled cheerfully. "Nicole? That's a nice name. It's a pleasure to finally meet you."

"Yeah, its nice to meet you too,” Nicole answered, still distracted. “Grandma is in the living room, but I need to speak to her as well."

"Oh, that's fine. I'll wait out here if you prefer," she answered with a soft, reassuring smile.

"You can come in and wait. Robin and I wont take much of Grandma's time," she answered and smiled as she let the girl in, closing the door. She grabbed my hand, dragging me along into the living room.

"Cool," Melody answered simply.

"Nicole, that does not look like Melody. That looks like your girlfriend Robin," Lily-Rose smiled with just a hint of a giggle in her tone, "But since you’re here what can I do for you, sweetie?"

I couldn’t help it, and giggled under my breath as I hugged Nicole close. She blushed softly. "I'm sorry Gram. It's just there's something I need to talk to you about - or rather, someone."

She paused, reaching into her pocket to produce Rachel's picture, offering it to Lily. "I need to know about her. Why do I look exactly like aunt Rachel?"

Lily-Rose's face shrank a bit as she stared at the picture of her late daughter. "I miss Rachel so much Nicole, but every time I see your face, I'm reminded how much I loved her, no matter how much heartache she caused me."

Nicole frowned. I silently hugged her, and started to step away, thinking that perhaps I was intruding on a family moment, but Nicole’s grip on my arm was like a vice. "Don't you dare leave me now," she whispered softly, turning back to Lily-Rose.

"You didn't answer my question. Why do I look like her? I'm adopted, aren't I? My real parents were assholes who... Who..." she stopped, and broke down completely, burying her face in my shoulder.

I helplessly held her, stroking her hair and trying to calm her. I didn’t know what else to do. She had been hurt so deeply by those monsters. Even with therapy, she still buried much of her pain and sorrow.

Lily-Rose looked at Nicole sadly. "Yes child you were adopted twice really: once by those people who claimed to be your parents, and then again by your uncle."

Nicole sniffed softly. "S-so it's true. Rachel was my real mother. Why the hell hasn't anyone told me?! I spent the last sixteen years thinking my real parents were abusive monsters," she sobbed.

"Why couldn't someone just tell me the truth? I had to find out from a stranger."

"Nicole sweetie, nobody lied to you, we just didn’t think you were emotionally stable enough to tell you. Rachel told me she was pregnant when she took off with Dean, and I spent years looking for you Nicole, till I found you in Foster care, and had my son adopt you to give you a loving home."

Lily-Rose stood up and walked over to Nicole to hug her.

"Y-you were trying to find me?" she asked, turning, slowly letting go of Robin to hug Lily. "Why did she abandon me?"

“She didn’t abandon you sweetheart. She died giving birth to you due to complications of a motorcycle accident. I didn’t find out all the details till after your dad adopted you." Lily-Rose hugged her granddaughter tightly and kissed her forehead.

"Oh, Gram," Nicole wept quietly, clinging tightly to her grandmother. "I'm sorry. I should have known there was a good reason why you kept all this from me. I'm sorry I doubted you," she whispered in a broken tone.

I smiled softly. "I told you. Your Grandma's an amazing woman."

Nicole giggled a little. "I guess I'm still getting used to the idea of being able to trust my family." She paused and blinked. "Oh my Gawd... That means I DO have a real family!"

Lily-Rose laughed softly, "Robin dear, could you do me a favor, and go into the kitchen and ask Gina to make us some tea, I need to speak to Nicole alone for a second, if that’s alright?" Lily looked at Nicole with a smile.

I nodded, quickly answering, "Of course,” then leaned close, kissing Nicole's cheek. "I'll be in the kitchen if you need me sweetie, but I think you'll be okay from here?" I grinned, patting Nicole's back reassuringly before turning to race out of the room.

Melody smiled at me as I passed through the foyer, and I waved at her. “Sorry. Family drama. Do you want some tea, while I’m helping Nikki’s mother brew some?”

Melody giggled. “They needed a moment, hey? Yes, I’d love some thank you,” she answered with a broad smile. I nodded, disappearing through the hall that led to the dining hall and kitchen.

~oOo~

Gina and I gossipped quietly in the kitchen while we waited for Nicole and Lily-Rose to finish their discussion. At one point I smiled though. “I think this is going to be good for her in the long run. I mean when you think about it, it wasn’t so much just that she was abused, but that she was abused by someone she thought was her father. I’m a tolerant, loving person,” I sighed softly, “But I draw the line there. There’s just so much wrong with that.”

Gina smiled gently as she hugged me. “I know, sweetheart. And I agree with you. I wanted to tell Nicole that I was really her aunt for so long now. Honestly before she met you, we didn’t believe she’d ever be ready to learn the truth about Rachel, but now...”

Nicole interrupted us, smiling from the doorway. “Now you can stop pretending she doesn’t exist, and start telling me all about her life. I want to know everything!” She practically bubbled, racing over to us and hugging Gina, then turning to hug me tightly. “Robin thank you so much,” she sobbed, but smiled brightly. “If it wasn’t for you I never would’ve had the guts to finally ask about Mom.”

She paused to look back at Gina. “But I’m still going to call you Mom too,” she added, giggling. “You were the first person to treat me like a daughter and not some worthless brat to be passed around by the system.”

“Oh honey,” Gina spoke softly, “You will always be my daughter, no matter how big you get. The part about Bob and I being unable to have children ourselves wasn’t a lie. You’re the closest thing we’ll ever have, and you really are a Morgan by blood after all.” She paused to smile, turning to take the tea kettle off the burner.

“Now, I believe your Gram asked for some tea. You two just relax here while I take it to her and Melody, then we can see about those cookies, Robin,” she added, grinning at me.

“Cookies?” Nicole asked, as Gina left. I giggled.

“Well you were in there an awfully long time, so we started swapping recipes.”

“Gawd, you are so cute,” Nicole giggled again as she kissed me softly. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too Nikki,” I answered softly as I kissed her back. Nicole made a strange face though, and reached into her pocket.

“The hell?” she asked, pulling out a strange little pendant and staring at it. “Oh, Gram...” She giggled.

“Wow, that’s pretty,” I replied warmly. “Your grandma’s?”

“My mom’s. Apparently Melody’s grandma was holding onto it or something,” she answered with a gentle shrug, turning it over in her hands. “I think I’m going to start wearing it,” she added. “It’ll look great with those gorgeous Ankh earrings you gave me for our anniversary.”

I giggled. “I know it was early, but technically we did start dating at camp.” I paused, and we both giggled in unison, “No PDAs.”

“I miss camp,” I sighed. “But it was worth coming back to check on Sarah. Nikki there’s something I need to talk to you about, but I want to wait until I’m closer to making a decision before I say too much.”

“What’s on your mind?” she asked, leaning closer to softly kiss my neck. I giggled quietly, unable to help myself, and wrapped her in a hug as I placed my head on her shoulder.

“I’m thinking really seriously about dropping out of cheer camp this year.”

“What? Why?”

I bit my lip. “The thing is, Alice, our CIT organizer? She’s an instructor at some cheer camps and retreats. I could learn from her instead. All I’d be missing out on then is the basketball workshops that I wasn’t even sure I wanted to attend anyway.”

“But... what would you do instead? Finally take a breather like we’ve been telling you to?” She giggled softly.

“Yeah, kind of. I’m... Well... I’m thinking about having it done.”

“It?” She stammered. “Y-you mean the big it? The point of no return, the final farewell, Robin’s day of reckoning?”

“Not in so many words though,” I answered with a giggle. “I wanted to get it done before college because I don’t want the kind of distractions it causes me. If I’m going to attend Yale I need to be able to focus completely. But... I’m so tired Nikki. I’m so damn tired of lying to my teammates about it. I just want to be a normal girl. It’s bad enough I get blood drawn once a week to keep my hormones in check.”

“Oh Robin,” Nicole cooed, holding me close to her. “You know I’ll support whatever decision you make. Just promise me you won’t rush into it, okay? High school’s just two years from being over. I understand your frustration, but I just don’t want you to do something you’ll regret later. Promise me you’ll talk to Kelly first?”

I giggled softly as I kissed her. “I already planned to. I’m going to talk to Alli and Jenn about it too, and get their advice, plus my Mom, and Margie, and of course Barbara. But I wanted you to be the first to know, so you wouldn’t worry about me. You know me better than anyone, better than I know myself, so I knew you’d notice something was on my mind.”

She smiled at me, staring me in the eye for a long moment before kissing me again, more softly. “I love you so much. Thanks for trusting me with this first.”

“I love you too,” I answered. “Since I’ll probably head back to camp again soon, do you want to do something tonight?”

She grinned broadly at that. “I would love to. Maybe I can distract you for awhile,” she teased, laughing as we shared another hug.

~oOo~

Later that evening, as we returned to Nicole's house after a dinner date, she smiled, sitting on the living room sofa and pulled me into her lap.

“Sorry I overreacted earlier. Now that I had time to think about it,” Nicole grinned, bringing my hand up and kissing my palm. “I’m really proud of you. I know this is what you’ve wanted for awhile now.”

I blushed softly, lowering my gaze. “Was I that obvious?”

Nicole laughed as she shook her head. “Not obvious. I just know you. You have little tells, like how you talk about not being ready, wanting to be with me when I’m ready and things.” Nicole paused, shaking her head. “The truth is, I think I am ready now.”

“W-what?” I asked, a little shocked. Nicole giggled and pulled me into a hug, kissing my cheek.

“No, don’t take it that way. What I mean is I’ve been thinking a lot about it, and I realized tonight that distancing myself, realizing that those people weren’t my parents... It lets me deal with my issues in a way that I never thought I could. What I’m trying to say is, whenever you’re ready, I will be too. And I will wait for you. Robin, I want you to be my real first.”

I blushed softly, staring at the ground for several seconds. I didn’t know how to respond to that. A soft, subtle warmth filled me though, and I turned to smile at her, finally. “Alice can catch me up on any cheer stuff I miss, and … God it would be so great to be able to shower in the girls’ locker room. I mean there’s so much steam no one would notice anything.” I sighed softly, leaning into her. “But I don’t know. I might regret it later.”

“Robin, honey, do you honestly see what you have as anything but a means to pee?”

I could feel my cheeks burning brightly now. I just had to laugh. “Um, no.”

“Well, there you go. I’m not trying to push you one way or the other though, don’t misunderstand. I just want you to know that I completely support your decision. I support you doing anything that you need to do to feel truly happy.”

“I love you so much,” I whispered, right on the verge of tears. I leaned closer to kiss her, just and she smiled, holding me close.

“I love you too, cutie. Always and forever.”

---

Author's Note:

Next chapter... ~* Girl, Scout *~ :-P Make of that what you will! *giggle*