~* Chinks in the Armor *~ “I’m sorry,” I whimpered. “I just needed to sit down. I didn’t want Margie seeing me like this. Nikki what I’m about to tell you, you have to promise you won’t tell Allison or Jen, or Mom or Margie alright?” Nicole nodded without hesitation. “Robin, you know you can trust me. I’ve told you things I never told anyone until Spring Break.” She gave my hand a reassuring squeeze.

---

Late Wednesday evening, after I had just dropped Jennifer off from gym practice, I was a bit shaken up. I fell while trying to learn a new aerial stunt, but what bothered me was the way I fell, my bases Jennifer and Victoria had to catch me, and Victoria’s hand brushed my inner thigh. Questions like ‘What if that had been closer?’ kept racing through my mind now that I was alone. ‘What if I would have been found out?’

I tried to force the thoughts from my mind, but they kept returning stronger and stronger, until by the time I made it back to Margie’s I was nearly in tears. Nicole’s Mustang sat parked in out front, and Josh’s truck parked in the Jones’. I wanted to wait in the car to compose myself, but Nicole opened the door from Allison’s and stepped out, rushing over to greet me.

“Robin, hey!” She suddenly stopped in her tracks. “What’s wrong?”

I shook my head quickly, but before I could speak she raced to the other side and opened the door, pulling me to my feet and into a desperately needed hug. I thought I saw Allison and Josh standing at the door, but the tears blurred my vision too much after that instant to say for certain.

“Hey, is this about the fall? Jen called and told us what happened.”

I tried to look Nicole in the face, but I couldn’t do it. Laying my head on her shoulder, I let her hold me instead, answering in a quivering tone as she stroked my hair.

“It’s not just that. Victoria almost found out,” I whispered.

“Found out what?” Nicole asked, sounding genuinely confused.

I sighed as I pulled away. I tucked my arms up close to my body as I walked away with her following close behind. I couldn’t let Margie see me like this so I walked around behind the house via the side yard.

I sat down on the old bench swing hanging from the tree, where this all began last summer and gave Nicole a token smile. She repeated her question, and I motioned for her to sit. I wrapped my arms around her as I nuzzled closer, breathing her scent deeply.

“I’m sorry,” I whimpered. “I just needed to sit down. I didn’t want Margie seeing me like this. Nikki what I’m about to tell you, you have to promise you won’t tell Allison or Jen, or Mom or Margie alright?”

Nicole nodded without hesitation. “Robin, you know you can trust me. I’ve told you things I never told anyone until Spring Break.” She gave my hand a reassuring squeeze.

“I was trying to learn a new aerial dismount. It’s not something we’d use in the competition, but I thought it would be fun to try since Victoria and Jen have been such amazing bases. But when I tried to drop out of the position for some reason I couldn’t unlock my knee. I lost my balance and fell. Jen, Victoria, and Sasha caught me, but the way I landed…” I buried my face in her shoulder.

Nicole cooed as she stroked my hair. “It’s okay. Take your time.”

I summoned my last bit of strength to whisper, “She almost touched my crotch.”

Nicole probably went a shade paler, but I couldn’t see. I had completely broken down now. I clung to her, and suddenly felt we were in motion. Nicole had planted the heel of her boot in the ground to start our swing slowly rocking as she held me.

“I was so freaking scared. But I couldn’t tell them why. I played it off as being afraid of breaking something from the fall, but assured them I was okay. We went on with practice, and that was the end of it. Or so I thought,” I exhaled. “Jen’s too smart for her own good, you know?”

Nicole laughed quietly at that despite herself. “Yeah, I know. One time before I met you, and before I started dating Jason, I was like, really depressed. Nobody knew because I was always moody, but this was different. She just walks up to me though and puts her arms around me, and says ‘Nikki, it’ll be okay’. That’s all it took before I was bawling.” Nicole pushed a few locks of hair from her face, exhaling slowly.

“But it’s what I needed. I needed to just… cry and get it out of my system.” She paused again to smile at me. “That doesn’t leave us, by the way. Ally never found out.”

I nodded. “It’s not just the fall though,” I replied slowly looking back up at her. “I’m so scared of being found out. I’ve been trying so hard to be the perfect girl everyone seems to think I am, trying to project this image and live up to the reputation I created for myself. Everybody expects me to do right by everyone else. They expect me to stand up to assholes and save kittens from trees; they expect me to be some kind of wonder-girl.”

I hesitated before correcting myself. “No, that’s not right. That’s what I expect from me.” I finally admitted.

Nicole stroked my hair as I cuddled closer to her again. Whether she couldn’t think of something to say, or was afraid to make things worse, she remained silent, slowly rocking me and letting me cry on her shoulder.

~oOo~

“I think I need to quit cheer squad.”

“What? Why?” Coach Greer nearly spit out her water. And I thought spit takes only happened in cartoons and bad movies. “Robin is this about the fall last night?”

Elaine had been typing away on something for the coaches in their office, but she abruptly stood. She paused to smile and hug me as she passed before scurrying out of the room and pulling the door closed behind her. I exhaled slowly as I moved to sit on the sofa, burying my face in my hands. Coach Greer moved to sit beside me, placing a reassuring hand on my shoulder.

“Sweetie, everyone falls sometimes. Even Victoria never gets it right every time. When you fell off that horse at Girl Scout camp, you didn’t run away. You got back up and you got right back in the saddle.”

“But this is different. Victoria almost found out…” I whispered. Coach Greer frowned, listening as I told her the full details of the events leading up to my decision. Coach Wilson had slipped in about halfway through, and by the time I had finished I was in tears again, sandwiched between the two of them with a box of tissues in my lap.

“I just can’t take the pressure anymore. I can’t shower like a normal girl; I can barely use the girls’ restrooms half the time. They’re starting to catch on that there’s something wrong with me, and I can’t do anything about it. Even if they’re polite enough not to say something to my face, I know they’re talking about me.”

Coach Greer shook her head. “Jennifer would have said something to me if they were talking about you. If she even suspected something she would have told me. She called me last night even before Victoria had a chance to, to let me know you had a rough night at practice. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you, but Amanda had a dental emergency.” Immediately I looked up at her, forgetting my own troubles completely.

“Is she okay? What happened?”

Coach Greer smiled, perhaps not so much at me as Coach Wilson as she answered. “She’s okay. She lost one of her baby teeth. I'm taking her to the dentist this afternoon just to make sure her gums are okay.”

Coach Wilson smiled. “Even in the middle of a crisis you’re more worried about Amanda than yourself. Not all girls have that nurturing instinct, but it is a very feminine quality. It’s just one of several parts of a whole that make you the pretty, smart, caring, outgoing girl we all know you are.”

“But that doesn’t change that I’m ‘different’,” I sighed slowly. “I mean, what happens when we go to Nationals? I can’t just put on my uniform before we leave. There’s hotel accommodations to think about plus the actual event. I can’t change with other girls and I really can’t change with the boys.”

“We’ll figure something out,” Coach Greer answered. “You’re not the only girl who’s self-conscious about changing in front of others. It’s actually fairly normal.”

“Really?”

Coach Wilson chuckled to herself. “Very much so. I had a coach when I was in high school who suffered from the worst case of psoriasis you’d ever seen. She wore long sleeves even in the dead of summer. She wouldn’t take that jacket off for anything.”

“So what happened to her?” I finally mustered the courage to ask. Coach Wilson smiled.

“She’s currently coaching college basketball in Wyoming I believe. She was so happy she cried. But she still wears that jacket,” Coach Wilson chuckled, adding, “I realize that’s not the same as not being able to change with your peers, but can you imagine living every day as an adult having to worry about what your students will think of you?”

I managed a weak laugh. “Yeah, I can. It’d be like being stuck in high school indefinitely. Why did she stay though, if she felt so uncomfortable?”

“She loved coaching. She loved bringing out the best in athletes, but she never thought she’d get a job coaching college ball. Fortunately I had just graduated from college at that point so I was able to take her place here.”

“The point we’re trying to make,” Coach Greer finally said, “is that you can’t live your life in fear of what-ifs. You’re only going to make yourself miserable if you do. I don’t want to put any pressure on you, but if you drop out now, we’re not going to be able to go to Nationals either.”

“I hadn’t thought of that,” I cringed. “I need to see my therapist this weekend. I need to know what she thinks of me coming out to the team.”

“Why do you want to tell them?” Coach Wilson asked gently.

“Because it would be better that they hear it from me than to have another accident like last night and they find out the hard way. There’s just so much stress in my life to be this perfect girl. It’s my own doing. I want to be the perfect girl,” I finally sighed.

Both coaches giggled, and I felt Coach Greer’s hand on my back as she leaned closer to hug me. “Honey, there is no such thing as a perfect girl. There’s no such thing as a perfect human. It’s our imperfections that make us unique.”

Coach Wilson picked up where Coach Greer left off, “The girls on the squad as well as your tumbling classes know you have a birth defect that you’re very embarrassed about, and that’s not a lie. As far as I and the rest of the teaching staff are concerned, you ARE female, no ifs, ands or buts. You’re a girl, and frankly several of us wish we had more students like you.”

“I… I don’t know,” I sighed. “I just want to be seen for who I am inside. I still feel ‘incomplete’, but I can’t change that until I’m eighteen.”

“Again, what makes you a girl isn’t physical,” Coach Greer offered gently, “It’s what’s between your ears. To be perfectly honest, it’s only times like this when you’re doubting yourself that you ever remind any of us that you weren’t born female. You blend so well that we just forget.”

She paused a moment, then added, “Robin, I don’t want you to quit the cheer squad because I know it’s what you love doing. Your smile gives it away every time you’re out there practicing.”

“I do love it. I love the rush of performing, of being out there for everyone to see, not just me, but all of us working together. When we get a routine just right it’s such an amazing feeling.” I finally sighed. “Okay, I won’t quit the squad. I trust you to help me with the accommodations though.”

“That’s our job,” Coach Greer offered with a broad smile, “But even if it wasn’t, we’d still have offered. Steph and I really do want to see you blossom and grow. You have so much potential that we just hate to see you waste it burning yourself out like this, pushing yourself too hard. Promise us you’ll take it easy for a couple of days okay? I’m officially cancelling tonight’s practice.”

“What? No, please don’t do that!” I protested, but she shook her head.

“You’ve all been working too hard. Sasha and Tracy need a break too. You have Kenpo tomorrow night, but take tonight to get some rest okay?”

I nodded slowly, hugging Coach Greer, then Coach Wilson. “Thank you. Both of you. You really do go way above and beyond with me.”

Coach Wilson smiled as she shook her head. “Not really. We’d do the same for any student, but because we give them the same confidentiality that we give you, you just never hear about it.” She winked, leaving me wondering if she was serious or not, but it did make me feel a little better about taking up their time.

I stood to leave, very nearly running right over Katelyn as I pulled the door closed behind me. She smiled hesitantly.

“Sorry. I didn’t hear anything for what it’s worth, but Chelsea told me what happened last night. I was scared you were coming here to quit the squad.”

“I was,” I answered softly.

“You can’t!” she protested. “Robin, I blew my chance. You can’t blow yours too! Without you our squad can’t go to nationals. Even if they did ask me to replace you, which I doubt they would, there’s no way I could learn the moves in time.”

“Katelyn, slow down,” I interrupted, “They talked me out of it, for a lot of the same reasons.”

“Oh, good,” she answered, visibly relieved. “Well anyway, can you stop by my locker after school? I want to give you some new sheet music to work on in case you’re busy this weekend.”

“I won’t be busy. I’ve already missed two Saturdays. I do have an appointment with my therapist, but that’s in the afternoon, and honestly, I so need this. I’m starting to understand why Nikki and Ally love music so much.”

Katelyn smiled knowingly. “It’s stress relief for you too, right?”

“Yeah, exactly. I know I’m not very good, but playing feels like all my negative emotions are just flowing out of me and into the keyboard. It’s such an amazing feeling.”

Katelyn nodded as she looped my arm with hers to pull me along. “Come on, you. Nikki’s probably looking for you by now.”

~oOo~

Just as I left Katelyn’s locker with my new sheet music in-hand, I suddenly felt Nicole’s hand on my shoulder. I immediately turned to face her, and she wrapped me in a hug. Allison and Jennifer approached a few seconds later.

“There you are. Oh, new sheet music?”

“Yeah. Katelyn wanted me to have it in case I miss another lesson. I’m not going to miss another lesson though.”

Jennifer smiled as she hugged me. “Just don’t push yourself too hard alright? I know that was a nasty fall yesterday. It would’ve shaken me up too.”

I gave her a meek smile. “It’s not just the fall. There’s a lot more to it than that, but I don’t really want to get into it again. I talked to Coach Greer and everything’s sorted out.”

“So why do you still look so sad?” Allison asked next. I shook my head. Nicole knew, but I didn’t want to burden the others with it yet. Nicole, seeing my discomfort, changed the subject.

“Well, we’ve got a way to cheer you up. You know the community rec center downtown? Not the big arena where the Heedless Despair concert was held, but the place with the rock climbing wall and the gym where Victoria’s mom works?”

“Yeah?” I asked, not exactly sure where this was going. Allison smiled.

“We rented the paint room for a couple of hours tonight. Just the four of us and maybe Tracy.”

“Sasha might come too if she gets her homework finished,” Jennifer added. “Chelsea’s taking the night off to hang out with Maria and Katelyn I think, and Victoria’s got a hot date,” she giggled.

“So what is the paint room?” I asked as we started for the parking lot. Nicole giggled.

“Did you ever play with finger-paints as a kid?”

“Sure.”

“Well, this is like finger-paints for grown-ups. They give you a plastic smock and a hair net, and you take these big balloons filled with paint and just fling the things at huge tracts of butcher paper. Believe it or not some places even call this stuff modern art.”

I had to laugh at that. “Sounds like fun. Doesn’t the rec center have a food court too?”

Allison grinned. “Yeah. Avoid the fish, but the corn dogs are to die for!”

Jennifer giggled. “I know what you’re thinking. Before you say it, food’s on me. You need to unwind, seriously. You’re stressed out and we’re all worried you’re going to have a breakdown if you don’t just have some fun.”

Jennifer caught my hand, letting the others get slightly ahead of us for a moment as she leaned over to whisper, “Nobody’s perfect. Not even Chelsea.”

I looked back at her, and she smiled, giving my hand another squeeze before running to catch up to the others. Did she talk to Coach Greer? Doubtful. They said they kept all this to themselves. Maybe she knew why I was pushing myself so hard? She didn’t know why the fall freaked me out, which was what I had told Nicole, so she obviously hadn’t talked to her about that.

Sometimes I swore Jennifer knew me better than I knew myself.

“Hey, wait up!” I called after them, hurrying to my car.