BCTS needs our support, Personally I am leaning hard on this site to keep me the living side of sane, even though I can't really afford it I am sending my usual $10 via Paypal. I feel people are taking Big Closet for granted, I don't. I dread the day I click my bookmark and get a site not found message. If that ever happens Big Closet will likely be gone for good, I don't think anyone will step up to replace it.

Firstly I should apologise for another whiney post - I'm not in a good place in my head this week.

I guess it's largely my own fault, decisions i've made that have maybe not been the best choices. Every time I think i've got my head and life together another spanner falls into the works and i'm not even back to where I started. Effectively i'm bankrupt - no regular income and bills that need paying has become a repeating cycle of worry.

I am in a weird place at the moment. Its kinda like this: (part of my brain): "Any moment now, my facade of happiness will crack, and I'll tumble into a depression ..... any moment now .... I'm braced, I'm ready, bring on the sad .... any time now ... (taps a foot ) ... yeah, it will sure will be awful .... when that big downer hits .... any time now ..."

and on and on like that ...

I have just returned from my forty-fifth high school reunion and I would like to tell you about a lesson I learned. (Yes, I can still be taught at my age). I had not managed to attend many reunions over the years and I went to this one to see if any of the people I knew would be there. I wanted to find out if they behaved any differently from our time in high school.

That I wasn't able to post a new chapter today - my day trip was something i'd pretty much forgotten about but I really wanted to do.

What was it I hear you ask? Well for those who do history, specifically English history, I spent the day doing Richard III, Bosworth Battlefield, the Greyfriars excavation site and visitor centre and his last resting place, Leicester Cathedral. Just because it was there I visited the medieval Guildhall too - quite a full day!

okay for someone who doesnt actually watch that much TV anymore, other than sports and Dr. Who. (and Agents of Shield), my subconscious seems to have been infected by TV shows.

Twice in the last week or so I have had dreams of being an actress on TV shows. The first time I played a young woman who had been a pioneer in getting an education in the early 1900's, and returned home to her small town in Eastern Canada, faced people who dismissed her because of her youth and gender, and helped solve a mystery.

Ok, it is time for some major explanations.

Let me commence by saying that I have a new birthday - 18th September.

For about the billionth time this year, I drove (this time accompanied by my beloved) from the UK to Switzerland. As we left the house in England I thought; "That's funny. The left side of my mouth is all tingly." We drove on and then I got a tingly sensation in my left hand, outside fingers.

Tomorrow will be a busy day.

I am expecting to have to run to Sam's school and the morning, because the disabled transport will probably drop her off early again.

Then I got to come home, find time to get some groceries done, go back and take Sam home, and then go to my friend and pick up a key to their place so I can dog sit this weekend, and probably wont be on during the weekend either.

so have a couple of extra huggles each to tide you all over till I'm back.

Well, had a stressful afternoon.

I had to get a sticker so I can park on my street during stadium events, which requires my car registration. and then I discovered that my registration had lapsed in July. Not only that my insurance card was not up to date either.

I was starting to do the beat myself up stuff, but I was able to get a hold of my insurance company and they sent a copy of my updated insurance to the registry office, and with that, I was able to get my registry updated.

Just a quick update on me and me asking you guys to help me find new stories to read that I can get into. My health is improving although I’m still in the hospital, I was in the midst of a very severe Anorexia episode and now I’m improving although it hasn’t come easy. As for the stories I like, it varies. I love Tiffany Shar’s stories, Sue Brown,Torrey,Zoe Taylor, Paula Dillon, Jennifer Sue, Jennifer Brock. I could list at least 20 but I think you guys get the point.

I haven't posted in a while because I am ashamed of myself. When my internet went out mid July I thought it was going to be a month or so to get it fixed. My roommate would not hear of using my phone to tether the net to my computer to my phone (in her world the phone is better) I snapped I tried to hurt myself with a fork in what amounts to a temper tantrum. It shocked me to something closer to sanity. I didn't succeed because I was not serous, like I said it was a temper tantrum, pure and simple.

I'm still here.

I haven't given up.

I've managed to not give up.

I'm struggling to not give up.

The thing is, I'm a sucker for routine. If there's a break in routine, it messes me. up. If it's a big enough break, it's that much harder for me to get back into it. back in 2015, I had my the last appointment with my psychiatrist. Their scheduling system was down so I couldn't book my next appointment.

I need to apologize. Until I actually posted my entry in the double dip contest, I hadn't really registered just how short it was. Its basically little more than a drabble. I really hope enough people enter the contest that I wont have to worry about winning with such a tiny piece.

I have another piece I'm working on that might be acceptable for the "music" part of the contest, but no guarantees I'll have it ready before the contest closes.

Again, I'm sorry.

Well, that is the Shrewsbury festival over for another year; source of so much of my inspiration. Some wonderful music, old friends popping out of the woodwork, and very sore fingertips on my left hand. Last year I played so much and so enthusiastically I snapped a plectrum; this year, I just broke a string on the last evening.

Already planning next year! I will try to remember to print off all my train tickets this time, rather than just the cycle reservations...

I go to a place called Religious Forums a lot. It has everyone from Atheists to Baptists there, and for some strange reason, two men, one a Buddhist, and the other a Baha'i are attracted to me, apparently because I'm so obsessive and broad in my research. I don't write worth a hoot, but love research.

What a strange feeling to have a man interested. I've already said there will be no sex.

:)

Gwen

I've got a bad case of the sads right now. hugs appreciated.

Bad news. my knee buckled tonight, and then moved sideways when I rubbed it. I'm trying really hard to not go into PTSD shock. hugs appreciated.

Not sure what is going on. I've lost a few files, one that I was ready to publish. My screen print size is gone round the bend, so it looks like it is time to switch machines.

Gwen

It's been a trying week, far too many hours worked though I did learn that I'd passed my university exam so can proceed to the next level - it's like a very expensive computer game at times. Today, Saturday, is the anniversary of my son's death and I drove up to Wales and back, getting on for three hundred miles with a very early start.

So I had a really good time at the author's group meeting. The group was very nice, we talked about stories, I felt pretty comfortable with them. I'll definitely go back if I have the ability to.

Well, its Monday morning, I'm in pain, and struggling with depression. Huggles appreciated ...

Did one of my evening escapes to try to get my lil ole haid to screw on and went to a Red Robin hamburger joint. Things were busy but I sat with my pin and pad trying to work out a story idea. My food came and I had a bit of Hair of the Dog also.

Finishing up, there was one of those computers on the table to pay with. While I was trying to work out how to badger that thing into responding to me, the waitress came up and said that the people across the way had paid my bill. ??? My first response was, "why would they do that"?

All my stories that I post use exactly the same HTML preamble, with just the changes made to the titles.

Every single other one I have posted displays our "Anmar Grakh" 'logo' we use to alert readers. For some reason my latest (#90) does NOT display this on the Story Teasers page and yet DOES display it when you click on the story title and go there.

Out on a "Girl's Night Out" last night, eating fried Chicken and Potato slabs. My friend, a GG, said to me that perhaps I did not learn to be female, that perhaps I had always been acting this way, and then decided to clothe it more authentically?

Hmmm.

Gwen