I had a couple of good moments with Sharon today. She talked about her church possibly being too judgmental, and I'm petty sure she was talking about my situation in particular.

Plus she talked about meeting a trans woman working in a store in the mall, and how nice a person they were.

Despite her using the wrong pronouns, its the most positive steps forward I've seen from her.

Well, I got some adulting done. I filed the paperwork for my name change, and I took Sharon out and got her some groceries. All in all, not a bad day.

Basically something is going on with my bladder Since the strokeI have to use a folley catheter which uses a small baloon to keep the cathader in place I have been going through very painful spasms. Every day Oh well.

Hi, it's me again, I've been gone for a while. I haven't been able to get computer access for a while now and have been reading the stories from my phone. My fingers are too big to easily type on my phone and I have to delete and retype most of what I write. I'm still in the same state of mind/ situation as my other posts, and it's starting to bleed through the mask I show to the world. No one that knows me in real life know the real me and that I am a girl inside. I feel so alone and stressed.

Just letting everybody know that someone is posing as me on Facebook and trying to get my friends there to accept a friend request. Please report to Facebook if this happens to you.

I have a visitor in my house that does not know I am ____, and I am not planning to tell on myself. I met this man on Arabnews 11 years ago in a discussion about women driving in Saudi Arabia, and he showed himself to be a good and sympathetic man. He has 5 sisters and decided that he would like a break from being chauffeur, but it is too dangerous for women to drive there because the men are such nasty, aggressive drivers.

Just wanted to say "thank you" to everyone who send a message of support to me.

I am very blessed to have all the support I receive, thanks very much!

Well, the hammer fell today. I have lost my job. It came down to me not being able to get down on my hands and knees to clean the bathrooms properly. Sighs ...

I was talking with a couple from the church yesterday, and realized I was flirting with him. "So, no spanking for what I have done?", I said.

His wife and I are good friends. No one seemed offended. Yet, I was strongly feeling the need to be punished, even spanked. When I understood what I had been doing, wow, how can so much hot blood get into my face ???

From now on I will BE a Nun around him.

Gwen

I had a dream last night of having the girliest of girl birthdays. Every present was super feminine.

The one that made me happiest was some very feminine outfit, but before I could wear it, water leaked out from under my bed and got it wet.

I was devastated, and then I woke up.

I'm blaming Jaci for this dream ...

Edit: Changed the title to be less... chaotic ♥

Ugh, like, seriously, can we NOT have another year like 2016? Ever? The Sweet Witch is back, more or less ♥

Well, it wasn't a good day. I was very tired all day today, and then this afternoon at work I got the runs.

Spoons ... I need spoons ...

Not a good day. It turns out my work was not happy with me, so I am being transferred to another store further away from home and only 4 hours a day 7 days a week.

Its a dam sight better than nothing, but it still feels like I failed.

On top of this, yesterday I got an email from my sister in law that contained a paper on "victim's syndrome" - basically saying some people love saying "woe is me" and getting sympathy rather than taking responsibility for their own choices and mistakes.

To me, that seems to indicate she thinks I'm one of those people, and that stings.

Had a nice service at church today. Not only did we talk about Jesus as a young boy at the temple, but after the service, we had a lecture/discussion on the subject of "repairative therapy" - sometimes called 'conversion therapy" or "pray away the gay".

As it consists of little more than physical or psychological torture to try and "fix" people like me, and does much more harm than good, we are trying to start the process to get the Alberta government declare it illegal for people under 18 at the very least.

There are many on this site that have experienced tragedies too horrific to comprehend. Some have managed to, somehow, find balance and deal with these hideous, monstrous demons, some have not. I have shared some of my childhood tragedies with a few close friends- people that have been through, or are currently going through- similar circumstances. PTSD is a ROYAL BITCH, and sometimes, we all need a shoulder to cry on, a gentle hug, an understanding heart, and a listening ear. I would like to be that person, and give back to a site that in the last three months has given me so much.

I woke up about three hours ago, needing to use the washroom, fairly normal for me, as I have a weak bladder.

What isn't normal is what happened when I tried to go back to sleep.

To put it bluntly, I started remembering things that happened when I was a child, specifically things that occurred during the eight years of my being adopted. The memories wouldn't stop, and I came very close to having a full-blown panic attack while crying for nearly two hours.

To put the whole thing into a proper semblance of order, I need to describe my memories of my childhood.

I had one of those DoH moments where I felt very mean My son was returning me to bed at the end of a day with mt two year old grand baby watching he took off my wig to. My mouth led my brain as I said Ow!Uncle Jim just ripped my hair off Her eyes got real big and she ran out of the room he chased her down an showed her my hair wasn't real.I was feeling very small right then, lesson learned. Posted on FB yesterday.

tommorrow I am going to have surgery on my ankle this will surgery # 5 from a break that happened in April 2014. the moral of the story is watch out fhe ladder

Just a quick note. I had some facial eruptions on Monday last (9th) which I thought were due to a resident Staph. infection I have. This has gotten progressively worse during the week, though curiously limited in extent. I was given antibiotics which didn't seem to help.

After severe pain early this morning I went and saw an emergency doctor with a completely different result.

After having watched one of my favorite anime series yet again (I My Me! Strawberry Eggs), I can really feel for Hibiki Amawa-sensei.

I have a lot of sadness within me, and maybe a little too much bitterness that I need to deal with. I think, at times, we all have the ability to become bitter and calloused, if we allow ourselves to wallow in self-pity and doubt. Well, I'm tired of just wallowing. Thanks to the person (you know who you are) that pointed out what I could not see- that I had begun to let the bitterness consume me. I don't want to become THAT person.

True story. When I was in elementary, I went to the principal and asked to be promoted to the next grade. Trying to give a reason why I shouldn't, the principal gave me a test equal to what that grade would get. I passed it. Then he gave me a test for the next grade. I passed it. Finally, he gave me a test given to university students, and I failed. When I realized they weren't going to let me skip a grade, I bawled like a baby, saying I had been trying to catch up to my brother, who was 2 1/2 years older than I was.

40 something years later, i still haven't caught up to him.

After dinner this evening, I sat with my oldest son and watched the end of the movie Platoon. One of the final lines of the movie that Charlie Sheen gives through a voice over as he is medivac'd out has always stuck with me. "Those of us that did make it have an obligation to rebuild - to try and find some goodness out of what we survived."

That could be applied to most of us in one way or another. We are all survivors in our own way, and we all have an obligation to make the world better - not just for ourselves, but for our children and for those who will follow after us.

Due to several members of my spouse's family creeping around the internet and trying to find things to use against me, including anything I have posted on this website, I asked for my posts to be un-published. I have also changed my name in order to hopefully put a firebreak in any trail they have been following.

Hi to all the old readers of my stories, namely The girl inside the boy and Carla's Journey, I haven't done any writing for quite a while because life become very busy once you have fully transitioned, I have been post op now for four years and have never looked back. But of course there are always some family members that will never recognise your change, it is their problem not yours. I may in the future do some more writing and being seventy one years of age with a bit of a heart problem I am happy to just read some of the stories published on Big Closet.