Since 2004, life has been unimaginably hard at times but over the last 5 or so years it has gotten much easier. Being the odd sort that I am, I never really engaged with the LGBT folk's political agenda, choosing to simply be a woman. I've learned a lot about writing, but lack the talent to ever be a star. I'll likely be increasingly absent because, for now at least, I have lost interest in the whole male to female thing, and never had any interest in the female to male one.

I got a super compliment today.

I was on Facebook and talking about feeling frustrated with my transition progress, and this is what I was told by Brianna:

" I have to tell you that on BCTS you are an inspiration to a lot of us who transitioned after you did."

That's ... amazing.

Me, an inspiration?

Wow ...

So as everyone probably remembers the last blog post I did was a real hard one for me to write and I've gone to a few doctors over the last few days and had tests done and had a psychological examination done. The test results came back today and let's just say I thank whoever told me to have tests done in my last blog post I would never have found out that I am Anemic and that my vitamin levels were dangerously high. When the doctor called me I was shocked to hear what I did.

Well, I was a busy girl today.

I got my change of address done on my licence

I got my registration for my car renewed

I got a hold of my insurance company and gave them my new address

I'm doing my laundry

and I did a bottle run

so yay for accomplishing things!

I hate to admit this but I think I truely am depressed at this point. I feel hopeless and have nobody to turn to. I haven't written anything in at least 3 weeks because I've lost all sense of myself(if that makes any sense). My fiancé has even took notice and has taken a step at helping me try to feel right again. EVEN MY FUCKING BOSS HAS TAKEN NOTICE! (Cries) I really don't know what to do right now. I'm scared and don't know where to turn to. I refuse to go inpatient at a hospital unless it's a last resort. (Sobbing)

...Sergeant Pepper told the band... whoops, and who said modern culture isn't pervasive?

These are the comments one of my cousins sent me on facebook. I am having trouble deciding whether she doesn't understand or is letting religion color her thoughts too much she is very religious. Here it is

I don't know how to respond to this without getting angry

Let me tell you, I wish I could borrow Doc Brown's DeLorean for about five minutes. I'd go back to last Friday and persuade myself not to go out for coffee. Or anywhere else for the next seven days.

As I left, I failed to notice that my chair was drifting off the sidewalk--with motorized chairs, there are unfortunately some blind spots. Consequently, it's hard to see in front of me in those areas. Anyway, when my chair went over the edge of the sidewalk, it landed sideways and dumped me out on the asphalt.

You ever want to cry but be unable to?

I had that experience last night.

I was in pain and struggling with both PTSD and my gender issues, and I snuck into the bathroom to let loose, and I found myself ... blocked. I simply couldn't cry.

I kinda find that a little scary ...

I quite like Sherlock. Not only is Benedict Cumberbatch a great choice for the role, but the individual cases are usually interesting, if not quite as complicated as I'd like at times. Then again, I've only made it through the first and second seasons, so I may be missing some of the best.

Back on point, the series has a lot of great elements, but one of the ones I've found most attractive is the concept of the Mind Palace. I loved the concept from the show, and after doing some (very superficial) research into the ins and outs of its purpose and the method of using such, I decided I should have one of my own.

A few of you have met me and know that I pride myself on being energetic, sassy and snotty, but fun. LOL. Though the last one of you to visit here saw me not feeling that well. I'm going to beat this fat butt into submission yet !!!

My mother gave me a beautiful card for my birthday.

It starts with, "For you, Daughter, on your birthday." and end with "You're beautiful inside and out"

I'm gonna cry some happy tears now.

I am overwhelmed by the number of people who took the time to wish me a happy birthday.

Bless all of you, and huggles!

Well, I have somehow managed to survive to see my 50th birthday, and I'd like to take the opportunity to thank a few people who have helped me live this long.

First, my mom, who loves me unconditionally.

My brother and sister, who have done so much for me.

Jaci, who is a wonderful online big sister.

My friend Erin.

All my online friends.

All my readers, especially those who have left comments on my stories.

Erin and her elves, for giving me a place to post my stuff.

Well it seems I'm going on to the second year at the start of September. Results are 76% (Maintenance and Repair), 83%,(Networktechnology) 90% (Basic Network theory) and 91% (OS2: intro to Linux).

Next year it's 'Wireless Networks, 'Basic Networksecurity', 'CO/NT project (internship)' and 'Client / Server 1' for the first semester which gets me a 'Computertechnician' certificate. This is followed by 'WAN and VLAN's', 'Switches and Routers', 'Internet networks' and Client / Server 2' for the second semester which gets me a 'Networktechnician' certificate.

I sat with my Counselor of some 11 years today talking about some Meyers Briggs testing that was done on me in 2003 and a similar test done on me in 1966. In records that were with the 2003 tests was a test that said that I am an INFP (Meyers Briggs Personality Type). I can say that the assessment describes me perfectly and as she read the information, she somehow interpreted it to mean that I could react violently to certain situations. At the time I thought nothing of it but upon reflection simply can't figure out where she got that.

Well, I went on a bit of a foodbinge the last few days ... *sighs*

As I said in a previous post, my exams are finished. Don't have anything on paper about before the results before 15h55 next Monday but it seems I passed all exams. Lets hope those teachers weren't pulling my leg.

So now, even if it's the start of the summer holidays and I probably already have an internship, I'm sending out mails to ask if it would be possible to do an internship with their organisation. So far I only contacted 4.

Well, that's it for another year. Just waiting for my flight from Vegas to London.

I went stargazing on the Nevada Northern from Ely last night. The almost full moon meant that most stars were invisible. Still we got good views of Mars, Jupiter and Saturn and the Moon.

This morning I experienced it.
At 05:26 to be exact.
I was in Death Valley and there was no wind. no birds, no traffic, no planes NOTHING.

total and absolute bliss for the 30+ minutes I stood there watching the sun come up.

Samantha

The good news first. I passed at least one exam (19/25 so Yeuh ;) ) and I'm losing weight (double Yeuh :D )

Now the bad part. Everything, except school, I touch does a 'crash and burn'. and it's getting to me. . My Mom spending another 2 weeks in the hospital due to a little 'crise' didn't help. The general situation in the world isn't helping either ( thinking about a Heinlein quote right now).

So here I am just like during the first semester exams almost hitting the bottom and I got the feeling I'll keep on falling.

I got some high praise from Shadowblade, and I wanted to share it.

"you have been around on this site for some time and your presence is nothing less of a godsend to many of the writers. You always take the time to read and post nice comments. When I said pillar of the community I truly meant it! You are like the guiding star the sailor uses to steer his ship."

I am totally bowled over by this compliment.

A couple weeks ago, I went to the VA to get a Doctor to look at a spot on my back that never heals, so I wanted to see if it was Cancer. Spent about a half hour with the doctor and left, and then in about a few days I get a call from another Doctor that said that she was told that I wanted to start living as a man again. What ?!? The!

Yesterday I watched an interesting documentary on King Tut, and they did a "virtual autopsy" on his body. Apparently, he suffered from a hormonal imbalance, resulting in him having wider hips and a small amount of breast growth.

Even more interesting was that the condition was hereditary, and his dad had it even worse, looking a lot like a woman with some facial hair and a male organ.

So I find myself wondering who wants to do a King Tut the trans Pharaoh story?

Any takers?