An Apology to the board.

I have been absent for an extended time from the board due to RL events that kept me from being on line here. We nearly lost our housing, we did louse our internet provider because they went out of business. Money problems topped this list of barriers to my continuing my story.

I did not stop writing I just could not post what I had been writing. So for those who can find it in your heart to forgive my bad manners in being absence from the scene, I have just posted a new continuing chapter of Havens Salvation for your examination.

It's still not completely official due to red tape (still 3 or 4 steps left but the effect will be redated to March first) but here I am on the first day of my retirement with my head way out of the ballpark.

I would kinda like to talk about depression for a moment.

See, I get two very different types of depression, that have very different effects on me, although neither one is fun.

The first type is sadness. "The Blues". When I get this type, I just want to curl up and cry myself to sleep.

But the second type is even worse - anger directed inward, otherwise called self-hate.

That one is more dangerous because if I stay that way too long, I might succumb to the notion that everyone would be better off without me.

I have learned, perhaps too late, that choices have consequences.

For example, a lot of the reason why I am in such pain is because I made poor choices with the food I ate and not doing enough physical activity, leading to me being overweight.

But that's not the worst consequence I'm facing.

See, I chose to get married. i did not choose well, but I chose.

And because I made that choice, and further made the choices that led to my separation, I do not have a special someone in my life, nor will I.

I managed to fight of the feelings of guilt i get along with my flashbacks.

For one of the few times, I refused to feel like I had done something wrong.

A good step forward, I think.

A part of the bagage I carry around where the comments my Ma made and one of her actions since the first time she found out I dressed (think I was about 8 years old at the time but it was going on from age 4 although I didn't life with her at that time). The action was the fact that there where no more hugs or any other comforting physical action. That hurt but it's the comments that screwed my up more. She basically told me I would end up only being good for working the streets in one way or another and she did this for about 7 years every time she caught me.

I bloody hate February.

With each day that passes the leafless trees, the bare fields, the unrelenting grey skies and the cold, dark nights imprint themselves more indelibly onto your consciousness, so that by this time of the month it's almost impossible to imagine the world being any other way. The memories of Christmas and New Year that got you through January have faded too much to be of any help, and spring is still too far in the future to be more than wishful thinking.

And this year it has an extra sodding day in it!

I'm off South in the morning to the town where I spent twenty years of my working, and married, life. I have some great friends there and some happy memories. Both of my children were born there and my daughter will be going with me so she can see her nan. It's also entirely possible her mother will make an appearance.

I no longer have any communication with the ex and am unlikely to see her even if my daughter does. For legal reasons that meeting will be supervised to ensure my daughter's safety.

Usually I don't cut and past from facebook, but this bothers me.

I went to see Pride and Prejudice and Zombies today, and it was an excellent movie. At turns action-packed, romantic, and actually a lot of humor.

But I believe it will be the last film I see in the theater.

Its not just the expense, or the urge to buy snacks both costly and bad for me, but the experience - I found I hated being alone watching the movie.

Story of my life, really - not really good at people skills, yet I have come to hate being alone ...

Ah, well. At most, only 30 -40 years of loneliness to go ...

Well, I may not have found a snuggle partner this Valentine's, but apparently, my dog did - in the form of a rabbit in the next door neighbor's yard.

The two of them approached the fence cautiously, then the rabbit gave a quick sniffy kiss on my dog's nose through the fence, and hopped away.

My dog was clearly smitten, not wanting to come back in, and stayed as close to the fence as possible, waiting for her new friend to come back over - which she did, gave my dog another sniff-kiss, and hopped away again.

So the other day I was searching amazon for a new book to read. I entered the search term cycling and scrolled down the list. I really enjoying cycling biographies and have read most of them. As I scrolled down the list I came across a book cover with a really cute Anime girl, it just seemed so out of place, I thought what could this book have to do with cycling. Well the description really offered no clues but I was curious. I'm not a huge anime fan, I like the really good stuff, Studio Ghibli, some of the better series, I'd just finished watching SteinsGate.

Well, I went swimming, and it was great.

Very nice pool, no problems with the trans stuff at all.

Boy did I need that ...

I got the hospital bill in the mail for my 2 month "vacation"

$770,000 dollars. That's insane. Luckily I just have to pay a 500 dollar deductible or I'd be sunk.

I had an inkling last week but it's been confirmed today, my tenure at my employers has ended after a mere 11 years service. Brutal but quick end but no less discombobulating for that.

So I'm in flux atm, not sure what i'll do but I might have to fill some time with scribbles.

Well, I got my holidays after all.

I am off for the next 2 weeks.

hopefully, I can get some writing done ...

Well one worry less for the moment. My results for the first semester are 70%, 80% and 80%. So 2 B's and 1 C isn't bad when I didn't study more then 8 hours total ( for 7 tests, 4 homework tasks and 3 exams) for the entire semester. (finishes what they call A-levels in the UK for the rest, years ago so only got the technical courses left).

Thursday it's the first day of the next semester but before that it's back for the retirement commission and work related stuff Tuesday >faceplam<. Here's hoping it will be the last one ...

Lynne

Well my exams are over and now I'm just waiting on the points. Think I got everything but I won't know before the 29th.

Head 's cleared up a bit which is good and I spend Tuesday with my brother-in-law at the motor show in Brussels which also helped. And no, I didn't buy anything although I liked some of the light motorcycles a lot, BMW G310R anyone ;)

For the second day in a row I'm in terrible pain.

Enough pain to go past "crying" and head toward "screaming " ...

Well, I volunteered today at the local food bank, and it was wonderful.

I'm glad I overcame my anxiety and went.

I'm going to try and make it part of my weekly routine.

Well, got a frustrating situation going on. See, way back at the beginning of December, I booked the last week of January off, got that approved by my supervisor, and gave the sheet to the personal office.

And yet, my name is on the schedule for that week.

I talked to the store manager and my supervisor about this, and they asked me about pushing my time off because they are expecting a new maintenance person to be starting around that time, and they would prefer they not have to go solo right away, but rather have someone to show them the ropes.

I am really angry, and trying to keep a lid on it.

See, a couple of days ago, our provincial government brought down some recommendations for school boards dealing with LGBT kids, but not everybody was pleased.

The bishop of Calgary fired off on the recommendations, especially those that were supposed to help make trans kids safer in schools.

So when I read what he said, I started to get angry.

I wanted to fire back, to find out his email address and fill his inbox with every bit of rage i could.

But that's not the person I want to be.

I am not sure why, but it seems like my social anxiety levels are sky high.

First, I had to fight anxiety off just to go to a store and get help fixing our shower chair, and then today, I was going to go to volunteer at the local food bank (It was something my councilor recommended), but I got so anxious I didn't go.

Sighs ....

I'm back from my counseling appointment, and I am not sure if this is good news, but they want to do a full psych evaluation on me, because they think I'm having problems beyond the ones I'm already on meds for.

So I'm crazier than even I thought ...