Well, for those of you who wondered why I hadnt been on as much this weekend, I can now tell you I had company in the form of Star.

It was really nice of her to fly all the way to visit me, and I hope she had a good time here.

I sure enjoyed her company.

Sleeping, it wasn't. I saw the 'blood' moon and the eclipse, sadly I couldn't photograph the red colour, which was actually more a brown colour.

I've been heavily involved in some activism for T folk in the Mormon church for some time and it feels like I am dealing with an unchangeable monolith. Perhaps abandoning what I've been doing is best? Sometimes no matter how many unimpeachable facts you give it is not worth the struggle since their agenda is not what I thought it was. Any who would like further explanation, you may PM me.

This is how a co-worker described my work last night:

"Dorothy was amazing. She kicked butt!"

I blushed a little. Wouldnt you?

I have my first appointment this morning at the clinic (Callen-Lorde) to start HRT. (4 hours from right now!) And I realize I'm scared.

Well, I had the kind of day that reminds me of why its worth it to skip sleep and go to church on Sundays.

Not long after I arrived at the church, my knee decided to start hurting like crazy, which set off my PTSD. So one of the ladies went and got me some painkiller, sat me down in a comfortable chair, and held me for almost a half hour, stroking my hair and telling me I was safe.

I am very grateful for her, and for all the people there who tried to comfort me today.

I contacted Amazon, and I got a response very promptly. They have provided my account with a promotional credit in the amount of the bank charges, and their billing department will be investigating the issue. There is a possibility they may credit my bank account as well, but even if they don't I'm satisfied.

Sorry, but I have a lot on my mind right now, and I haven't posted a blog in awhile. It's not anything particularly bad, just a lot of "Huh" and "Hmm" things. :-)

Changing Keys Speech and Voice Training Program

Fall 2015

Sponsored by T.H.I.P.

My depression is a liar.

Here are just a few of the lies it tells me.

1) I am a failure. - This is the one that hits me most often. My depression is always ready with a list of my failures, when the truth is as long as I am still trying, I havent failed yet.

2) The darkness is permanent. - When I in that state, its hard to remember there is always light ahead.

3) I am helpless. - Very much not true. I can do many things to help myself

Those of you who bother to read my blog on a semi regular basis, are aware that I don't wear men's clothes at all, except at work. That doesn't mean that I don't present a masculine image on occasion, such as church and family events. (Not all my family is aware of my trans nature.)

So I'm at the DMV giving my liscense another shot. Hopefully i get it this time. I'm REALLY nervous. Bht om a high note I've started on my next story and I think I'm going to continue "the hand we're dealt" j stopped writing it because I couldent figure out where to go next but I think I have a good direction now.

In a really bad place emotionally and spiritually.

Prayers and good vibes appreciated.

I have talked before about being primed for trauma - how even small things can end up being re-lived as nightmares, so I am happy to report whenever I make any progress on any of these lesser traumas.

The one I am making progress on at the moment is the end of my relationship with Kylie. For months after our breakup, I found myself reliving the last conversation we had over and over again, bruising my heart every time I did so.

Wearing my LBD, corset, appropriate padding and short bob style brunette wig, my biggest eyelashes and light makeup, dark red fingernails and my male mode slippers as my neighbours are complaining when I wear my heels... finishing off a bottle of nice Italian wine. Alone...

My "girlfriend" of the last 3+ years had not even bothered to try to meet me on her birthday several days ago, and last time I've seen her in person was somwhere in July...

Well, this has been an ... eventful move.

Broke my bed, my laundry hamper, had a flat tire, and generally felt useless as I was too weak to help lift very much.

On the other hand, we're here, we're mostly unpacked, and it could be a lot worse.

I was nearly terminated while out on a bike ride today, a car came up to a T-junction which I was cycling across and therefore had right of way, when he just carried on obviously not seeing me despite me wearing an orange, back and white jacket. The only reason I'm able to write this is because I took avoiding action, half expecting it to happen. I'm getting tired of having to think for all the morons driving round in lethal weapons that cars are and I feel the law ought to be changed to reflect the fact that most car-bike collisions are the fault of the driver.

In other words, after weeks of dieting and exercise, I've come to the unsettling realization that I was more passable when I was fat. (Less fat means my features are more angular and hence, less feminine). I essentially lost my best asset when I lost the weight, and earlier today, I suffered the consequences.

It was a good day. I'd been pretty good about trying to eat healthy and and at least cut down on the bad stuff, and the results are beginning to show. The weather was warmer than it's been over the past week, with the promise of it becoming warmer still tomorrow. All in all, nothing to complain about.

That's usually a danger sign. It's like an open invitation to God/Fate/the cosmos to give me their worst. And sure enough, that's exactly what happened.

Early AM on Friday, 28 August 2015, I will have surgery for a mass in my abdomen. As of now the doctors don't know what it is.

shalimar

I haven't been doing any writing, I admit. However, I think I might have the best possible excuse.

Last week, I decided to do the one thing I'd been putting off forever--no, not removing the colony of unidentifiable life forms from my refrigerator, though I need to do that too. In short, I've taken advantage of a special program for low-income people and joined the "Y".

Why the "Y"? (Hee hee). Allow me to elucidate.

A lot of niggling little health issues have kept me away for about 19 months, but, I’ve dodged the major problems that often come with age: Heart, cancer, stroke, and diabetes have so far passed me by… So far.

What I’ve discovered is; Getting older ain't for wimps.
In Feb of 2014 I had all my lower teeth extracted after 4 abscesses that had caused constant sinus infections for 2 years. The dentist: “Gee, I never noticed that before but I don’t think teeth would cause that…” In the last 19months I only had 1 sinus infection.

I just wanted to say "thank you" to all the crazies on the Big Closet chat site who managed to brighten my day by teasing me about how much a "girly-girl" I am until I was laughing so hard I actually felt better.

Thanks, guys.

Well, I've finally found another excuse beside being lazy not to write. My Apple Mac finally gave up and said I've had enough. Poor thing is about six years old and is so slow it takes ten to fifteen minutes to load a site. It's the 21 inch model and I don't need the larger 27 inch version as it won't fit on my desk, well it could but the size doesn't justify spending an extra $700. The one I'm going to buy is bad enough. Not only do I write my stories on it, but I use it for my business as does my wife for hers also.

For personal real life issues, like not being allowed access to my grandchildren, I cannot live full-time as a woman. However, I find relief in going for regular make-overs to a very professional lady on the Gold Coast of Queensland (isn't that an ironic name?) who does a great job of transforming me into a somewhat realistic semblance of a female. I have to say that I love myself after she has performed her magic upon me, even though I can only maintain the illusion for a relatively short time.