So, sitting here watching "Back To The Future". It's late at night and looking at my account it'll be 9 years soon. I was one of those poor bastards that had PTSD and a dozen other things so bad that the Docs would later say they doubted I would live. 7 hospitalizations later, I finally started to get better, but I won't say how except to mention that shrinks and medications were a waste of time for me. It took something else.

So, I have sort of lowered my shields a bit in public and public media and am pleasantly surprised to find out that many of the "Muggles" I know have TG and GBLT friends and seem to be on friendly terms.

Perhaps the world is getting better for T and Intersex folk? My references to it in public media are and shall remain very oblique. I do hope that does not upset too many of you. I never told you that I was a brave activist and nothing I ever learned in life taught me to be foolishly brave.

Perhaps the days of pain and rejection are becoming fewer? One can only hope so.

If you are wondering about my story Mercy, you can relax in the knowledge that I am working on Part 2 right now. When its done, I wouldnt mind having someone who knows Whately better than I do take a peak to make sure I havent made any really major errors, even if the story is fan fiction.

So if someone like that is interested in being an editor, give me a PM.

I was sitting at a bench in Portland State University, waiting for Psych 204 to start. I am auditing it to help a blind friend get there and to study. I think I already hate the class.

In walked this very pretty 18 year old. No matter what clues I looked for I could not tell is he was a she or she was a he. Black hair with ponytail, T shirt with some symbol on it, Jeans, and runner shoes. Clear skin, small chin, upturned nose, no forehead boss, no visible beard shadow, no make up. I forgot to look for ear rings. Possible breasts but hidden by a light jacket.

Well, it was an interesting night last night.

First, I started the night with a big I hate my boy bits moment, but before things could go too bad, my boss made a point of encouraging me and telling me I am awesome.

This proves a point I've made before - even a small act of kindness can make a huge difference for the person receiving it.

Second, I got some good news on the therapy front. I was contacted by a therapist, and he recommended I go to the Leduc hospital, as they apparently have a mental health unit that does free counseling.

Well, I just got back from having my hip scanned, and honestly, I am a little shaky.

First, there was the whole issue of being nude from the waist down, with only a towel between my legs to keep my privates ... private.

Which created all kinds of I hate my bits to bits feelings ...

Then the lady was poking me with this wand and she wasnt gentle with it ...

I managed to keep breathing during the procedure, but I started crying on my way home ...

Ah, well.

So today i wore an old 1960's era USAF rain jacket to school... And promptly had the police on me telling me to never wear the jacket to school again... The jacket is just a elongated raincoat that is a dark blue. I was told that "it looked scary and it looked like i was 'military' and that offended people." Which is BS because it isn't like it is a jacket with high capacity pockets and weapons holsters... Its a damn raincoat/wind breaker!

Thanks "the news" for making large coats into a sign that you are going to kill people.

Well, I went to the hospital today, but I didnt get a full visit with my doctor, but I was able to get an appointment with him for tomorrow morning. He said very likely they will increase the dosage on my anti depressants, in the hope that will also help with my PTSD attacks.

The "first step" was actually the zero-th step. :-(

My wife and I were on vacation last week on the Oregon Coast. I love her dearly. She struggles to accept and understand her feminine husband. It is with great effort that she lets herself be seen with me when I'm not masquerading as an average male.

not a good night last night.

Had a really bad PTSD attack, and at the end of the night I was in a lot of pain.

Then I found out I didnt get the job I applied for.

sighs ...

September is suicide prevention month, so if you guys dont mind, I would like to talk about suicide for a moment, specifically the first time I danced on the edge of killing myself. Those who are sensitive to this subject should probably skip this one

Bit of a mixed day at work last night. I had some severe moments of pain, and a mild PTSD attack, but on the plus side, I applied for a less physical job.

To start with, my back hurts, and it's been this way for two weeks now, ever since I pulled a muscle during a not particularly violent sneeze. I've been applying a heating pad to it and that's been helping a lot, but it's still limiting how much I can do, and how long I can sit at the computer to write.

So, I get up this morning feeling pretty good having slept pretty well. Then there is this story about a 14 year old boy getting arrested and cuffed for taking a homemade clock to school to show his teacher.

What? Seriously? Oh, forgot to tell you that he's Black! And he's one of them Muslims! He got arrested for making a what? A clock you say? Really? Gosh, I've been off my meds since 2008 and have been doing pretty well ...

Well, yesterday I got a bit of bad news/good news about my hip.

I was helping Sharon get some stuff done for Samantha, and I complained about my hip. She brought me to her doctor, who got a copy of the x-ray I had done at the hospital. He told me there were signs of arthritis as well as bursitis in my hip, and he wanted me to go for an CT scan to see what else we could learn before deciding on a treatment.

But on the other hand, he didnt even blink when I told him I was transitioning - in fact he asked me which way I was going!

Ok, I am trying to find out if we have any Trekkers here besides myself and Jennifer Cavazos. We are both members of a Facebook Closed Group of Transgender only Star Trek Fans. The two of us have been working with the Founder of the Group to build and crew our own Starship, the USS Jorgensen. I am the Chief Science Officer and was originally a Lt Commander and Jenn is our Chief Engineer. Because of the work we have been doing for our group, our Captain has also assigned me as the Ship's Second Officer with a promotion to Commander. Jenn also received a promotion to Commander as well.

okay, I noticed something strange at work last night. The last while, I start my shift okay, slowly get more and more depressed until lunch, and then slowly recover till I am mostly okay when I am heading home.

Weird, huh?

Just wanted to say thank you to all the people who sent me messages of encouragement yesterday, and especially the ladies on the big closet chat site who talked with me for more than an hour to make sure I was okay.

Huggles for everybody !

There are some things in life that are unobtainable, like the legendary white stag. Everyone has that one thing they've wanted, and every organization has that one lofty goal that every member seeks.

Today (or, in point of fact, last night,) I have obtained one of those goals.

I am now a full-time employee.

Today I have performed a task that I have done many times since I was a little girl. Last night I could not find my cat Jon. Today I searched the house and still could not find him. When I left the house to take care of some tasks I spotted Jon under a bush. I had been having the feeling all day that Jon was no longer with me because he had been refusing to eat, even the tuna from a can that had been opened for sandwiches. When I got back to the house I got the pillow case he loved to lay down in and placed him inside it.

Okay, here is a bit of a giggle for you all.

When I got my tire replaced, I was told I would have to come back in to get something done after 50 k or so, so when I woke up this afternoon I phoned about making an appointment.

Now, because I had to sign legal stuff, I was using my male name when talking with the guy.

Except that when he was talking to me on the phone, he called me ma'am.

Apparently, my voice is feminine enough that he ... slipped up, as it were.

Not that I mind ...

Giggles.

Well, I am back connected again!

(Does a happy dance)

I absolutely detest it when the weather changes, since it causes my copd to act up. :(
Having no energy to do anything but sleep because it is so hard to breathe, just because it started to rain / got dry / got windy / wind dies down ... ( ad nauseum )

then today, we got a wind storm, which broke a window it was so strong. 20 minutes later[ 11:30 am PDT ] CABOOM one of the electrical transformers just behind the building exploded.

~sigh~

11:44 PM and we finally got power back