~* Healing Hearts *~ “We’ll head back to civilization tomorrow morning.” She smiled meekly back at me at that. “It’s not that.” She slowly stood, walking around the fire to sit on the ground beside me, though she continued to stare into the leaping, dancing flames. “There’s something I wanted to ask you for a long time now, but I’m scared.” “Of what?” “Of how you’ll react,” she answered.

---

Nicole and Allison had been the first to turn in that night, followed by Jennifer. Andrea and I sat opposite each other in still silence. The expression on her face suggested she wanted to say something, but she remained silent. As I carefully poked our campfire, I broke the silence.

“We’ll head back to civilization tomorrow morning.”

She smiled meekly back at me at that. “It’s not that.” She slowly stood, walking around the fire to sit on the ground beside me, though she continued to stare into the leaping, dancing flames. “There’s something I wanted to ask you for a long time now, but I’m scared.”

“Of what?”

“Of how you’ll react,” she answered. “I mean, I’ve learned to accept you as Robin. It even makes so much sense in retrospect,” she paused, letting a hint of a smile tug at her lips. “But I still don’t understand.” I carefully wrapped an arm around her waist, and she leaned closer, tilting her head to rest against my shoulder.

“So what do you want to ask?”

“Promise you won’t get upset?”

“I promise.”

“Okay then. You’re a cheerleader now. You’re a Girl Scout, you lettered in Basketball. You live this amazing life, and you’re surrounded by awesome friends,” she paused, glancing at the tent where Nicole had disappeared to earlier, “And a girlfriend that loves you. How did you… I mean,” she hesitated.

“How did I get so lucky?”

“Yeah. Things are better for me, but I would give anything to have a life like you have here.”

“It’s not all roses, Andrea. I’ve had to deal with people hating me just because they think I’m perfect, that I have it so together. I’ll let you in on a secret.” She glanced slowly from the fire to look me in the face. I smiled. “There have been times when I’ve cried myself to sleep because I can never have what you have, what Nicole or Jennifer or Allison have.”

“I don’t get it,” she answered, shaking her head slowly.

“I am a girl. I’ve always been a girl, but my body is ‘wrong’, and it’s forced me to come up with creative solutions to cope with that. There’s also the risk that if somebody finds out, that I could be a social outcast again. It’s not something I think about a lot, but it still comes up sometimes.”

“How do you … I mean, those cheer skirts are really short.” Her cheeks flushed a brilliant crimson.

“I’ll do you one better. I’ve been seen in a bathing suit too.” I waited for her jaw to drop before I continued, “But only the one time at camp, with the girls, myself, and one other girl who never took swimming lessons. Back then medical adhesive and a wrapped towel worked well enough outside the water, but I need to figure out a better solution, not just for camp next year, but like you said, those skirts are super-short.”

“So why do it, knowing you could get caught?”

“Because this is who I am. I can either pretend to be a guy, and be totally miserable the rest of my life, or I can be myself, and deal with the consequences of that. I try to plan, to make sure there aren’t any such consequences, but I live every day knowing I could be outed if I’m not careful.”

Andrea stared at me for what felt like an eternity. Finally she wrapped me in a hug and kissed my cheek before settling back against me again with a tired sigh. “I couldn’t live with that. Not with all the other stuff on top of it.”

“Barbara, my therapist, has been a lot of help. Andrea?” I glanced back at her. She had closed her eyes already.

“Mmm,” she answered softly. I smiled as I gently roused her enough to help her to her feet, guiding her into one of the two cabin tents. Allison shifted in her sleep as I lay Andrea down on one of the sleeping bags and carefully covered her up. I found Nicole standing by the fire when I stepped out again. I stepped closer to wrap her in a hug, which she accepted with a grateful smile.

“I heard what you said to her. Is that really true? You’re afraid of being found out?”

I nodded simply. “It’s just something I’ve learned to cope with.”

“You should’ve said something before. I guess I’m just so used to you looking and acting like, well, you.”

“I never figured there was anything that could really be done. I want to have my body corrected, but I can’t do that until I’m eighteen.”

After a moment, Nicole’s lips curled into a thoughtful smile. “Why not talk to Kelly about all this? She’d understand better than anybody. Even though she didn’t get into athletics she did go to prom and stuff. I’m sure she has some ideas on,” Nicole paused briefly, bobbing her head, “Y’know.”

I couldn’t help the giggle that escaped as I pulled her into a kiss. “Nikki, you’re a genius.”

“I know it,” she responded cheerfully.

“No, really. I don’t know why I didn’t think of talking to Kelly before.”

She squeezed me briefly, returning the kiss before turning to return to the second tent. “I’m glad I could help. You should get some sleep soon. Y’know Ally’s an early riser when it comes to sleeping outdoors.”

I picked up our cooking pot full of river water, carefully pouring it over the fire then moving to join Nicole. She held the tent flap open for me, and, after we kicked off our shoes, we lay down in our sleeping bags side-by-side. Nicole stretched out on her side and smiled, leaning over to kiss me.

“Sweet dreams,” she whispered. I smiled back at her.

“Hey, that's my line,” I whispered back.

~oOo~

The next morning, we were roused from our sleep bright and early, not directly, but by the heavenly smell of Allison’s patented campfire pancakes. We spent the next hour after breakfast taking our time breaking down camp. Nicole wasn’t the only one who overheard my conversation with Andrea last night, though.

Just as we were about to leave, while Allison wandered off into the woods with the biodegradable toilet paper, Jennifer took my hand and pulled me into a supportive hug, whispering ‘Let me know how your talk goes.’ She smiled and turned to pick up her backpack as Allison returned.

I had already missed Kelly by the time we made it back to civilization, but Mom’s car sat parked in Margie’s driveway. Rather than joining the others at Allison’s, I naturally headed straight home.

“Mom?” I called.

“In here dear,” came her quick answer. I had sent my backpack on with the others since it contained the Jones’ borrowed gear anyway, so after I kicked off my hiking boots, caked with fresh mud from the trail, I set them outside, hurrying barefoot into the kitchen. Mom covered her mouth, stifling a giggle when she saw. Margie glanced up, shaking her head.

“What happened to your boots?”

“Oh, they’re outside. I didn’t want to track in mud. What’s going on? I mean, is everything okay?” Mom gave me a professional smile, unusual for her, as she stepped closer. She pulled me into a hug and kissed my forehead.

“Sweetheart, there’s something I need to talk to you about. You’re a very active girl, and I couldn’t be more proud of you, but,” she paused, seemingly to gather her thoughts. “Have you been watching the news recently?”

I shook my head. “Honestly I haven’t had time. Wait, someone didn’t find out about me did they?” My heart leapt into my throat, but Mom quickly shook her head.

“Oh, no it’s not like that at all!”

I breathed a relieved sigh as Margie stood to approach. “There’s been increased concern over young athletes’ heart health.”

“A young man your age suffered cardiac arrest after he won his team’s basketball game,” Mom offered softly. “I spoke with someone from the American Heart Association who assured me that this sort of thing is very rare, but after my own close calls, I’d rather be safe than sorry.”

“So what can I do? I don’t want to give up sports if I don’t have to,” I started, but Mom shook her head again, still smiling.

“There’s a test called an Electrocardiogram or EKG that can essentially detect many kinds of heart defects. I’ve already spoken to one of my colleagues at the hospital. She’s willing to perform the test at a greatly reduced cost for any student that’s interested.”

I thought about it for a moment before asking the obvious question. “Does it hurt? Because, I mean, getting stuck for blood work is bad enough.”

“No, it’s completely non-invasive. All they do is stick electrodes on your body and measure the electrical activity from your heart.”

“Well, my endocrinologist was pretty blunt about me not abusing my hormones because it’d do nasty things to my heart, so I guess I have two reasons to want to be sure I’m okay,” I offered. Mom’s features brightened as Margie gently squeezed her shoulder.

“I told you she’d go for it. You’ve raised a smart daughter.”

I could feel my cheeks burn as I wrapped them both in a hug. Nicole cleared her throat, and I glanced back to see her smiling as she leaned in the doorway.

“Sorry,” she offered. Margie giggled, motioning for her to come over.

“It’s fine. We were just talking about Robin’s athletic future.”

Nicole’s face fell, causing Margie and Mom to both start giggling. “Margie you’re terrible,” Mom teased, adding, “We just want her to have an EKG to be sure her heart’s in good condition.”

“Tell me you said yes,” Nicole practically begged as she raced to my side to hug me. “I heard about that poor guy, Wes something, on the news. I couldn’t stop thinking about you, but I didn’t know how to ask.”

Mom gave Nicole a knowing grin. “Part of the benefit of having an overprotective mother in the medical profession, you know. But it’s not just Robin. The hospital’s willing to see any students that are interested in being tested, at a greatly reduced fee. The hospital’s willing to do payment plans for anyone that can’t afford that, as well.”

“Cool. I’m sure Ally and Jen will want to, and with two cheerleaders agreeing, that’s pretty much the whole squad following suit. After my dad’s close call I don’t blame you guys for being cautious, either.” She smiled genuinely as she added, “Plus Robin’s helped me so much, I can’t not support her in getting herself checked out.”

At that, Mom pulled Nicole into a hug and kissed the top of her head. Mom and Nicole had, to date, never really been all that close. I got the sense that Mom just respected her personal space more than anything, but right now that didn’t seem to matter much. Nicole for her part had a surprised, but pleasant smile on her face as she hugged Mom back.

“What was that for?” she asked. Mom smiled wryly.

“I spoke with Carol. She didn’t say anything specific exactly, but,” she trailed off. Nicole slowly nodded.

“Nothing happened, for what it’s worth,” she answered. Mom gave her an odd stare.

“What are you talking about dear?”

“In the woods. Nothing happened.”

“Oh,” Mom shook her head slowly. “Nicole, honey, I trust you both. I was talking about what happened before you left.”

“Before we… Oh!” Nicole’s cheeks flushed as she covered her mouth, giggling to herself at her misunderstanding. “I’m sorry. I thought you meant… Um, yeah. I guess I did kind of make a scene yesterday. Robin talked me into seeing her therapist though. I don’t know how much good it’ll do, but I got to do something.”

Mom smiled warmly as she nodded. “If you ever need to talk to someone, and you just don’t feel comfortable talking to Gina or Bob, come find me, okay? I can’t promise I’ll have an answer, but I will show you the same love and support I give Robin.”

Nicole smiled at that. I thought I saw a stray tear roll down her cheek, but she covered her face for a moment, pretending to scratch her nose. After exchanging another hug with Mom, she grabbed my hand, pulling me toward the exit. “Anyway, we’re trying to decide if we want to go see a movie this afternoon, and we need Robin’s opinion.”

“Sure,” I offered, glancing back at Mom and Margie with a warm smile before returning my attention to Nicole. “Just give me a second to get my shoes.”

Nicole paused, looking down at my bare feet, and giggled. “Oh. Sorry, yeah, go ahead.”

~oOo~

The next few days passed blissfully uneventfully. I spent the second half of the week between Ash’s and either Nikki’s or Allison’s during the day while we discussed plans to remodel my new bedroom. We tackled a few minor issues like wallpaper as well.

Mom managed to get Jennifer and myself in for our tests Friday morning, and Allison had a scheduled visit for Saturday afternoon, which worked out since Nicole and I would be in New Haven anyway. I still didn’t have my license yet, but thanks to having access to a large number of driving adults, my time behind the wheel was quickly adding up now.

“So when do you think you’ll get your test results?” Nicole asked, breaking the silence that had settled over us. We had only just arrived within the New Haven city limits, and our appointment wouldn’t be for another thirty minutes, so we had time to spare.

“Probably Monday. The tech said they normally fax them, but for us, since both Mom and Kelly are both right there in the hospital, she doesn’t mind at least giving us ours directly.”

We rolled to a stop at a red light, and another momentary silence fell over us. I smiled as I squeezed Nicole’s hand. “I talked to Kelly at the hospital yesterday while Jen was getting tested.”

“Did you find out anything?”

I smiled further as I nodded. “I don’t really feel comfortable talking about details. It’s just too weird, but she gave me some good advice.”

Nicole smiled brightly as she leaned over to kiss my cheek. The car behind us honked its horn, causing her to jump. The light had turned green, apparently. She giggled as we continued on toward Barbara’s office. “Well, the important thing is that you’re comfortable with yourself and with what you decide you wanna do. Me? I’m a nervous wreck.”

“Oh, Nikki, don’t worry. Barbara’s a wonderful person. I’ve talked about you a lot, and how much easier this has all been because I’ve had you by my side.”

“You’re so sweet,” she offered softly.

With twenty minutes to spare, we rolled into the parking lot. I gave my lip gloss a light touch-up while she obsessed over her hair, finally reluctantly stepping out a few minutes later. I squeezed her hand as we walked into the office building together. Barbara had just approached the elevators herself with what looked like a fresh, unopened bottle of water. She immediately smiled broadly at seeing me, and I rushed over to hug her.

“Doctor Ketz!” I exclaimed.

“Hi Robin,” she answered. Nicole stood off to the side, awkwardly fidgeting. “How was the wedding, dear?”

“It was so beautiful. I brought copies of the wedding pictures to give you. Oh, Barbara Ketzowski,” I turned to motion for Nicole to come closer. “This is my girlfriend Nikki.”

Barbara smiled brightly as the doors to the elevator slid open. “Well hello there Nikki. It’s so nice to finally put a face to a name.”

“Likewise,” Nicole answered nervously as we stepped on the elevator together.

“Barbara, I was thinking… There’s not a lot that I want to talk about today. Would you be willing to talk to Nikki instead?”

Barbara shifted her gaze to Nicole with a gentle smile. “Of course I would. I’ve been expecting this for a long time now, after you sent your friend Trent to see me,” she offered in a playful tone, but continued to maintain that blend of a professional, yet reassuring smile of hers. The elevator doors slid open, and Barbara led us through the lobby to her private office.

“If you want I’ll wait outside,” I offered to Nicole. She immediately and very quickly shook her head.

“No, I want… I need you to be here with me. I can’t do this alone.”

I nodded as I gave her a gentle squeeze. I caught Barbara’s approving smile from the corner of my eye as I led Nicole to the familiar sofa, and we sat down together.

“Robin’s told me you had a rough life before you moved here. Now, everything she and I have discussed in the past is strictly confidential, and I want you to know the same applies for anything you and I discuss as well. The important thing is for you to understand I’m here to help you. We’ll only talk about things you feel you’re ready to discuss.”

Nicole gave a shaky nod. “I understand. I’ve been holding this stuff in for years though. I sort of had a breakdown a couple of days ago though. I’ve been letting what that monster did to me control me for years, but I," she paused. Barbara offered her a tissue, which she quickly accepted with her free hand, her other keeping a death-grip on mine.

“I don’t wanna hurt anymore.”

~oOo~

We covered a lot in that intense, two hour session. Barbara only stopped us once to buzz her secretary on the intercom, asking her to reschedule her next appointments so we could have more time. Nicole let it all out in the open, just as she had before.

She even allowed herself to cry, which I thought was a big step forward. For my part, I did what I could to support her. It was all I could do, really. Before we left that day, Barbara scheduled another appointment to see Nicole Sunday. As far as I knew, she never worked on Sundays before now.

I had forgotten about my piano lesson with Katelyn, so I was a little surprised to see her familiar bicycle sitting up against the Jones’ house. Nicole smiled as she leaned over for a kiss. “Go on. You’ve got a piano lesson to get to.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

She smiled broadly as she nodded. “Honestly, I’m better than I’ve been in a long time. Don’t get me wrong; I’m still very,” she hesitated, “’broken’, but now it doesn’t feel so oppressive anymore.”

“I love you,” I offered softly as I wrapped her in a hug. It wasn’t the usual admission of infatuation between girlfriends, but the caring and gentle response from one best friend to another. She choked up a bit as she squeezed me close.

“I love you too. Thank you so much, for everything.”

“I’ll call you tonight, okay?” I answered, kissing her softly. That, however, was a ‘girlfriends’ thing. She smiled as she nodded, settling back into her seat. She waited for me to get inside the Jones’ house before pulling away, and inside I could already hear the beautiful melodic sounds of someone playing Kelly’s piano. I was however, surprised to find Kelly herself at the bench, with Katelyn watching in awe from behind.

“I thought Robin said you only had a few years of lessons. I mean I can see where you could use improvement, but your playing is fantastic.”

“Aww, thanks. I put my whole heart into my practices when I was your age, but it’s been so long that I wanted to find a teacher for Robin that’s had more recent experience. You really put the fire in that girl last week. She couldn’t wait to tell me about how you taught her to play that song from ‘Beauty and the Beast’.”

Katelyn giggled, though her cheeks started to flush when I cleared my throat.

“Oh, um, Hi Robin,” she offered. Kelly giggled.

“Hey you. Listen, I’ve got to get to work, but the piano’s all yours for as long as you want.” She stood, stopping next to Katelyn, “I’ll let Robin know what my schedule’s like next week though so we can work something out. I’m really looking forward to working with you.”

As Kelly departed, Katelyn simply stared for a moment before turning back to me. “Is it just me, or is everyone you know really upbeat and friendly?”

I had to laugh. “Kelly’s awesome. When Mom had her accident, Kelly was there for me when no one else was. I didn’t even know she knew my sister Margie until after I moved here.”

“Wow, seriously? Oh, I brought some more non-classical stuff this week, but if you still want to jump in on classical training, we can pick up where Kelly left off.”

“Did you decide on a price point yet?”

“I was thinking of twenty-five dollars an hour. That’s maybe a quarter of what my singing lessons are going to cost me, but my Dad said that if I’m willing to put in the effort to pay for part of it, he’ll help pay for the rest. I just won’t be able to get a car until I’m in college,” she mumbled.

“I know someone who works on junked cars. You saw my new convertible last week, right?”

She nodded. “And I am so jealous,” she added, but teasingly.

“Nikki totally rebuilt it, buying used parts and fixing them up. I’m sure if you ask nicely she’ll do the same for you. No idea how much it’d cost though, or the kind of car she’ll find, but she loves muscle cars, so consider yourself warned.”

Katelyn giggled at that. “I’ll call her tonight. If we can work out a rough idea what it’ll cost, my parents just might consider it as a late birthday present. Anyway,” she motioned to the piano with a smile. “Shall we?”