~* Spirit Speaks *~ “Hey you two. I hope you don’t mind that I’m giving you a ride home.” She had a certain somberness in her tone. Jennifer picked up on it immediately, too. “Is everything okay?” Kelly gave a slow nod. “One of the girls I work with has a problem. I’m trying to rally support for her. Robin, you met her when you had your EKG done.” “Oh, the quiet one with the clipboard?” She seemed nice, but there was something about her eyes that stuck with me. She reminded me of Crystal, and that scared me a little.

---

Tuesday progressed relatively normally. After gymnastics though, as I was heading for the coaches’ office to shower, I suddenly found myself flanked by Katelyn and Jennifer. Each girl looped my arm in theirs. Grinning silently, they ushered me toward the girls’ locker room.

“Um, ladies? You know I don’t like to go in when you’re changing,” I protested, but Katelyn’s grip tightened. It wasn’t uncomfortable at all, but she made it clear I wasn’t getting away from her either, and when we reached the door, Jennifer let go, following as Katelyn tugged me along.

Inside, the entire cheer squad had already assembled. Girls not on the squad stood off to one side, obviously in on whatever joke they were trying to play on me. Victoria stepped forward and handed something to Katelyn, who quickly stowed it behind her back. Chelsea placed her hand on my shoulder and smiled down at me.

“Since this was your idea, Katelyn, we wanted you to do the honors. Robin, you’ve only been a member of the squad a short time, but you came to our rescue when Amy had to leave. We have a big competition coming up soon, and it just wouldn’t be right for you not to be a full member of the squad.”

Katelyn stepped in front of me now and took my hand. “I came to them about this because I wanted them to know I’d be okay with it. I messed up and missed my chance this year, not because of you, or Chelsea, but because I was being a self-righteous bitch. You never stopped believing that I could be better than that though.”

A tear rolled down her cheek as she pressed a piece of cloth into my hand. I looked down at it slowly, to see a purple-and-gold megaphone patch.

“It’s your cheer patch, for your letter jacket. And don’t tell me you didn’t earn it.” Katelyn gave a weak laugh as I looked back at her. “You went above and beyond putting up with me — you’re helping me make my dreams come true even after the way I treated you.”

Without warning, she pulled me into a hug. I couldn’t think of anything intelligent to say. She had literally left me speechless. I wrapped my arms around her, even despite the sweat from our gym class. My eyes stung, and I shut them tightly.

“Katelyn, I don’t know what to say. Thank you so much.”

“No, thank you. Maria said you were a really nice person, but I was so wrapped up in my own stuff I couldn’t see it. Now you and Kelly are helping me pay for my lessons, and I just felt really bad about everything. I wanted to set it right.”

I felt Chelsea wrap an arm around me from behind as she stepped beside us.

“Like I told you when I asked you to consider trying out — you have a natural charisma that people can’t help but notice. You don’t have to be beautiful to be a cheerleader. You just have to be confident.”

She paused to glance at Katelyn, a broad smile on her lips. “And I expect you to try out next year. Robin already told me she doesn’t want to be co-captain next year, so you’ll probably be in the running.”

By now the other girls had already started to disperse and undress, so I gave Katelyn and Chelsea a friendly hug, and turned to leave. I felt Katelyn’s hand on my shoulder as I reached the door.

“I wish you didn’t have to, you know…” she trailed off.

I glanced back at her, and I nodded. Truth be told, I shared that feeling, but this was for their protection as much as my own. “I do too,” I answered quietly and slipped out.

~oOo~

I found Kelly waiting for us in the parking lot. I had been expecting Margie to stop by and pick us up one last time, since I would be taking my driving test the next day, so it surprised me a little. Jennifer waved as we approached.

“Hey stranger,” she teased. Kelly caught her in a hug, and then wrapped an arm around me as I got close.

“Hey you two. I hope you don’t mind that I’m giving you a ride home.” She had a certain somberness in her tone. Jennifer picked up on it immediately, too.

“Is everything okay?”

Kelly gave a slow nod. “One of the girls I work with has a problem. I’m trying to rally support for her. Robin, you met her when you had your EKG done.”

“Oh, the quiet one with the clipboard?” She seemed nice, but there was something about her eyes that stuck with me. She reminded me of Crystal, and that scared me a little.

Kelly nodded as she sat down in her car, waiting for us to join her. She adjusted the rear-view mirror. “Turns out her little brother is transgendered, too. But unlike us he … Well, remember Dr. Rosen?”

Jennifer’s eyes narrowed sharply at that name. Few things angered her, but when she heard about what happened with me, she flew into a tirade.

Kelly gave a slow nod. “Exactly. There’s a lot of anger in that young lady, and a lot of pain in her older sister. They both need help. I told her about me, about how I transitioned when I was older than her brother. She came back to me today, and told me,” Kelly choked up. She shook her head quickly. “I’m sorry. I’ll wait until we’re at Jen’s so I don’t get us killed.”

Jennifer reached over the backseat to squeeze Kelly’s shoulder. Neither of us said anything until we arrived at Jennifer’s house, where she continued.

“She says I saved Johnny’s life,” she concluded simply.

Jennifer ‘got it’ first. “Oh my God… Kelly, please tell me she’s on suicide watch?”

I blinked, letting that sink in as Kelly answered. “Which one?”

“Well, either, but the girl mainly. Hey, do you wanna come inside? I restocked my herbal tea supplies with Robin’s Mom’s suggestions,” she added with a giggle.

Kelly and I glanced at each other. I nodded, and she smiled warmly. “Okay. Just let me call Margie so she doesn’t worry about us.”

~oOo~

Jennifer managed the tea while Kelly and I got comfortable in her living room. I always loved visiting Jennifer. Her house almost seemed to share the same sense of serene calm she projected, like she brought a slice of Hawaii home with her every summer. The cute tiki mask on the wall by the big, picture window didn’t hurt.

When Jennifer emerged with three steaming cups, Kelly waited for her to sit before speaking up again.

“I’ve been getting in touch with every contact I can think of to try and get her the help she desperately needs. They need a family counselor, not just a therapist. The young one lives with her Mom, and there’s a lot of bad blood there. Jen you remember how bad I used to be right?”

Jennifer laughed. “You made pulling pigtails look harmless, yeah.”

Kelly blushed, glancing down for a moment. “Well, Johnny’s even worse. Angry, guilty, and just flat miserable really.”

“That sounds familiar,” I offered softly. “I never got into any fights, but the only time I was happy was when I was Robin — even though I didn’t have a name for ‘her’ at the time.”

“Robin, do you think… I mean, would you be willing to meet with LeAnn?”

I reflexively flinched. “I… I don’t know about that. You know how hard I’ve worked to put Robert behind me.”

“I know, sweetie,” she answered gently. “I wasn’t going to ask at all, but when I found out just how close her sister came to… becoming another statistic, I thought I’d talk to you. I haven’t told her anything about you though. When she asked who you were, and what we were talking about, I told her that I wouldn’t betray your trust even to your own doctor.”

“What we were talking about?” I echoed. I started to blush. Kelly giggled.

“Oh, it’s not like that. She didn’t hear anything. It was your smile. She said you reminded her of her baby sister, that short few minutes she knew her, before their father…” Again she trailed off, and both Jennifer and I flinched in unison.

“Oh God,” I whispered. Kelly just nodded.

Jennifer perked up. “Hey, can I make a suggestion?”

We both turned to look at her.

“Why not write a letter, Robin? You don’t have to sign your name, or even hand-write it, but it would give her sister someone she could identify with — someone our age, you know, who’s been there, had these feelings all her life.”

“What if she doesn’t believe it’s from a real person, though?” I asked, but paused. “But really, she wouldn’t believe a hand-written signed letter any more than a typed one, would she?”

“There are tells,” Kelly answered. “The way you speak and write is very different from how I would, and if you hear LeAnn speak, she sounds like she’s from a completely different country. It’s really cute,” she paused to sip her tea. “But there’s no way I could fake a letter from you or Allison. Jen maybe, but she does that freaky Polynesian wisdom-beyond-her-years thing.” She shot Jennifer a playful smile, and Jennifer stuck her tongue out.

“You do know I do that on purpose, right?” We all laughed.

“But, that’s the situation. I’m trying to do everything I can to help both of them now that I have my foot in the door. From what LeAnn told me, she had a very, very long talk with her mother last night, but she seemed reluctant to discuss any of it. She told me if she has to, she’ll fly down there and kidnap her sister though,” she added. She wasn’t smiling either.

~oOo~

I had no sooner gotten home when Allison raced out to meet us, throwing her arms around me. “Robin! Congratulations!”

“On?” I blinked. I had already forgotten about the cheer patch. Allison giggled.

“Becoming a full cheerleader, duh? Jen called me when you left her house. I hope it’s okay that she told me about the other stuff too,” Allison trailed off, as if uncertain how I’d react. I took her hands and pulled her right into a hug. She smiled slowly. “I guess that’s a yes?”

“Of course it’s okay. I’m still not sure if I want to get involved though. I mean yes, I want to help her. I want to do something, but I’m scared of rocking my own boat.”

Allison smiled as she looked me in the eye, cupped my face, and leaned forward to kiss my forehead. Sometimes she could be as much a ‘big sister’ to me as Kelly or Margie, despite being my age.

“You have to do what you have to do to help yourself, but don’t forget that you’ve already helped someone else in this position.”

“Trina?”

“Trina. She’s still confused, I think. She waffles between going out as Trent and Trina every other weekend, but she’s working with Barbara because you took the time to talk to her.” She smiled reassuringly as she hugged me close.

“I guess you’re right. I’m going to start with a letter, and then go from there. Thanks Ally.”

“Hey, that’s what sisters are for,” she answered. “FYI, if you need help with your cheer patch my Dad can sew circles around pretty much anybody.”

“Your Dad sews?” I asked, surprised. She giggled.

“He was a marine, you goof. You learn to be self-sufficient in the services, including fixing holes in your socks. He’s actually better at it than Mom, even.”

“I’ll go get my jacket,” I answered. “Then I’ll start on that letter after we’re finished. I’d kind of like to watch him work.”

~oOo~

On Wednesday I had my driving test, and I could hardly sleep for thinking about it. I passed the written test really well, but when I sat down in the student driver car, a large, rather scary looking man sat down in the passenger seat. Without a word he pulled his seatbelt across, and I buckled mine. He stared expectantly at me as I waited for him to say something. Finally, I slid the key into the ignition, checked my mirrors, and turned back to him for final approval.

“Good,” he answered simply, showing a hint of a smile. I smiled back, and we pulled into traffic.

“Make a right here,” he spoke as our first traffic light came into view.

“They’re doing construction on that road though.”

“Yes, I know,” came his response. I nodded nervously and turned off onto the side road. I was about to swerve to dodge a pot hole when I noticed an oncoming car. I quickly checked my mirror. Another car was coming up fast, so I slowed down just enough to coast across the bump. The car jostled us both as I picked up speed again.

“Sorry, that maniac back there was coming up too fast for me to slow down. I’ll pay for the damage.”

He just smiled and marked something on his chart. A man in an orange vest flagged us down and I rolled down the window for him to speak. He leaned closer and nodded.

“It’s one-way only, miss. You’ll have to turn around.”

“But there’s not enough room for a U-turn with that other guy back there on my bumper. Can I pull forward a little?”

The man frowned, but glanced back at the other vehicle, now right on my bumper and nodded. “Just this once. I’ll have a word with the other driver for you.”

“Thank you so much. This is my driving test, and I’m already nervous.”

He smiled at that, though it seemed he was smiling not at me, but my instructor. The instructor remained poker-faced as the man moved the orange cones to give me some space to work with. I didn’t even look at the other driver as I pulled away again, too focused on the road.

My instructor gave me directions through the busy main highway through town as well as several sidestreets, until finally we arrived at the high school’s empty parking lot. He instructed me to pull in there. I hadn’t noticed until now that the car we were driving was a lot like mine, except for the hard top and the Student Driver sign, and of course the bright red color.

Just as I was about to put it in park, he shifted his weight, abruptly slamming his foot onto the gas pedal. I panicked and slammed on the brakes, throwing on the emergency brake.

I glared at him, and he started laughing.

“What’s so funny?” I finally demanded. I had finally reached my tolerance limit for this instructor. He offered me his hand as he tugged away what I could now see was a fake beard.

“Mr. Ellis?!”

He grinned. “Hi Robin. I’m sorry for deceiving you. When Mrs. Ellis told me the kind of car you’d be driving, I personally volunteered to give you your driving test. I hope you’re not too angry though.”

I shook my head in disbelief. “Just surprised is all. What was that about anyway? The slamming on the gas thing? You scared me half to death.”

“Like I said, I needed to know how you’d handle yourself.”

“And the thing about making me turn the wrong way on a road under construction?”

“The construction is quite real, but I have a friend who works for the city, who agreed to get his guys to play along. The person tailgating you is a regular instructor — I just do this on weekends to help supplement income a little bit, except today of course.”

“So, do I pass?”

He nodded. “With flying colors. Oh, don’t worry about damage to the car. As long as it can get us back to the DMV, I’ll take care of the rest. I actually had one student who I pulled this stunt on, who spun out and sent the back tire flying a good thirty yards,” he added with a chuckle.

I was greatly relieved when the car started again, and carefully drove us back to the DMV. Margie and Kelly were waiting out front, the former leaning against my convertible, with the top down. Both grinned as they waited for me to approach, wrapping me in a hug.

“How’d it go?” Kelly asked first. I giggled as I looked back. Mr. Ellis held up his clipboard and smiled. “For a student driver she’s pretty good. She needs more confidence, but that’s something she just has to develop with practice. I don’t expect she’ll be on anyone’s radar for speeding, either,” he added, giving me a sly wink. I laughed.

“Now for the fun part,” he continued. “Whenever you’re ready, just talk to the lady at the front desk to get your license sorted.”

~oOo~

Saturday came too quickly, and at once not quickly enough. We had our first regional competition, and unlike the other girls this was also my first time performing in front of a crowd. Nervous? Not at all. I wanted to skip breakfast though. I kept hoping if I spent enough time hiding in the bathroom, doing my hair that I might run out of time.

Margie appeared in the doorway and folded her arms. “You might as well give up. You’re going to look cute whatever you do with it.”

I laughed. I hadn’t put on my uniform yet, still standing there in my bathrobe. She smiled.

“Come on sweetie. You need to eat breakfast.”

“I’m afraid I’ll get sick if I eat something,” I whined, turning back to the mirror with a defeated sigh.

“That’s why I made a light breakfast. Allison and Nikki are waiting to see you in your uniform, by the way,” she added, taking my hand and pulling me into a hug. Somehow, that helped. I leaned into her for a moment, exhaling slowly.

“Thanks. I so needed that.”

She smiled brightly and kissed the top of my head. “You’ll do great.”

It wasn’t just the routine I was worried about, but I didn’t want to tell her that. I forced a smile and nodded.

“Can you let the girls know I’ll be down in a second? I’m not going to wear any makeup since I’ll just have to take it off again anyway, so I just need to get dressed.”

“Sure thing,” Margie answered, turning to leave.

I stepped into my room and slid my bathrobe off. I was still extremely self-conscious about the bright purple panties, fully aware that every man, woman, and child in the stands would be seeing them, but there was no avoiding it. The routine called for a drop, and I was the least likely to fall flat on my face, with the next-best flyers, Jennifer and Victoria, acting as my bases.

I pulled on the ‘NHS’ — for Northside High School purple, gold, and white top and worked the skirt up my legs. As I sat on the bed to tie my shoes, someone knocked gingerly at the door. I glanced up to see Nicole smiling back at me.

“I never get tired of seeing you in that uniform,” she spoke softly as she approached.

“Thanks,” I answered, pulling my second white canvas shoe up over my purple sock. I stood to wrap her in a hug and kissed her cheek. “God, I’m so nervous.”

“Oh, please. If I can be Shadowfang in front of thousands of screaming fans, you can be Robin in front of hundreds,” she answered reassuringly. Her smile never left her lips as she leaned forward to kiss me. “You’re beautiful, confident, and talented. Even if you do make a mistake, so what? Just roll with it, act like it was intentional, and the only ones who’ll notice are the judges.”

“Yeah, but they’re the ones that count most.”

“True,” she answered as she took my hand, leading me along. “But they’ll be more likely to give you spirit points if you don’t sweat it.”

“Hey, no fair using logic to win an argument,” I teased. She laughed as she squeezed my hand.

~oOo~

Since this was a school-sanctioned cheer event we had to take a bus instead of driving ourselves. Mom and Ash, Margie, Kelly, and the girls all followed in their cars, though. Once in awhile I could see Nicole’s Mustang pull up alongside us on the highway and Allison would wave. I’d laugh and wave as they backed off again, easing back into the right lane behind us.

I didn’t realize Victoria had been watching me until she suddenly stood from her seat, two rows up, and approached me. She laid her hand on my shoulder as she knelt beside me.

“Robin? What’s wrong?”

I looked over at Victoria, suddenly very self-conscious of the fact that the entire cheer squad was waiting for an answer. I slowly looked around at them, and then back at Victoria. “Was I that obvious?” I asked with a nervous laugh. Jennifer smiled.

“You’re either upset about something, or about to lose your breakfast,” she teased.

“A little of both,” I answered. I slid over to give Victoria room to sit down. I shifted in my seat, fidgeting slightly as my bare legs scraped the leather. Victoria smiled sympathetically.

“I’m sorry. Normally you’d have had football season and basketball season to get used to the skirt. You look great though, and you really are our best flyer.”

“Thanks,” I offered softly, leaning over to rest my head on her shoulder. She smiled and wrapped me in a friendly hug.

“It’s what I’m here for. Chelsea and I are always available to talk if there’s something on your mind. Is there anything we can help with?”

At this point Sasha hopped up and spun around on her seat in a kneeling position to smile back at me. “Or me, or Jen, or any of us. We’re all sisters here,” she offered with a bright, reassuring smile.

“I’m really excited, actually, but I can’t help thinking ‘what if’…” I shook my head and smiled. “It’s silly. I’m worrying about nothing. I just need to get through this one event and prove to myself that I CAN do this.”

“E ho'a'o no i pau kuhihewa.” Jennifer stated simply. Every pair of eyes fell upon her and she smiled innocently. “It means do it to end the panic. There are things we all face that are scarier in our minds than they really are. Like your driving test the other day. You said you were scared to death, but it wasn’t that bad was it?”

I started to smile at that as I nodded. “Except the part where Mr. Ellis slammed his foot on the gas. THAT terrified me.”

Sasha started laughing. “OhmyGod. He did that to you too? I almost peed myself!” The entire busload of cheerleaders started laughing. Coach Greer stood to approach our little circle. “Thirty minutes, girls. You’d better start getting your makeup on.”

“Could one of you do mine?” I asked. “I’ve never worn stage makeup before.”

Jennifer giggled. “I’ll help you with it. It’s going to look weird, but it’s supposed to. Helps the crowd and the judges see our faces.”

~oOo~

“Northside High School, Alpine Springs — you’re in the wings,” the pretty young woman in the oversized headset called. It wasn’t exactly a sea of girls so much as a very large lake, though there still were many, many cheerleaders there. Just before we turned to head to positions, Rachel raced over to give me a hug.

“Good luck girl!” she cheered after us.

We waited for the other team to finish their routine, going over a final checklist. Hair tied neatly in a ribbon, no jewelry that needed to be shoved in a sock. Victoria turned back to smile at me. “Do it to end the panic, yeah?” I nodded back at her, smiling brightly. She laughed. “There it is. Okay girls!”

At the announcer’s cue, we took the stage, to a rousing cheer of “GO SPIRIT!” from somewhere in the stands, as well as from more than one cheer group off in the sides. I could feel my cheeks burn as we took our places. We didn’t have our full routine ready for the Nationals competition, but we worked out an interim to fill in the blanks. It wasn’t fantastic, but it got the job done, considering we had to scrap the original plan.

The end called for me to be hoisted up in Liberty, and we practiced it a hundred times, but when the time came, I was still incredibly nervous. We had myself and Sasha as flyers, and as we went up, our three bases each supporting us, we moved to position almost in unison. I wobbled just a little, but managed to keep smiling as I raised my hands.

The crowd exploded with applause, which wasn’t surprising considering they had done the same for the last several groups, and at least given a token cheer for the girls who hadn’t done so well. Jennifer whistled, signaling that the bases were ready to catch me. I shut my eyes as they lifted me up, and fell right into their arms. My skirt flew right up, and I cringed, but they all patted my shoulders to reassure me.

“Great job,” Victoria whispered as we left the court. I wanted to cry.

“I lost my balance at the last second. I know they’re going to dock us for that.”

“So?” she answered, but in a cheerful and reassuring way. “Everyone makes mistakes. During the opening dance I almost sneezed. That’s never happened before. If we get knocked for anything it’ll be that.”

To hear Victoria admit even she made a mistake made me feel a lot better. Jennifer grinned as she bumped her shoulder with me. “So how was it?”

“Scary! The skirt flying up didn’t bother me as much as the Liberty, having to stay like that, I mean.”

Jennifer giggled, and then pointed at the stands. “Looks like you’ve got a fan waiting for you.”

Nicole, dressed in a cute, loose tunic dress and boots, came racing out of the stands. I’d swear she had gone extra-goth on her makeup just for the occasion. She caught me in a hug and we shared a brief, enthusiastic kiss before hugging again.

“That was awesome! You guys were so great!”

“Thanks! Why don’t you come hang out with us while we wait for the scores?”

“A goth among cheerleaders?” she joked. “Isn’t that like putting a cat in a dog show?”

“Oh, you!” I laughed as I grabbed her arm, pulling her along.

We got a few odd stares from the other teams at first. That is, until Rachel came running and wrapped us in a hug, followed quickly by the rest of her teammates offering us their support, telling me not to worry about the Liberty, and that sort of thing. Soon enough a few other girls I had worked with at cheer camp had come to congratulate us on our routine.

~oOo~

I spent the rest of the morning hanging out with Nicole and the girls, and a handful of cheerleaders from different squads. Most of them didn’t know about my lesbianism, and most didn’t seem to care. The few who had something snide to say were quickly shut down by members of their own squads, and I just left well enough alone and didn’t give them any more reason to hate me.

Instead, I decided it was time to lead by example. Jennifer, Chelsea, Victoria… They had all talked to me about how important setting a good example is. I’d grant that the excitement of the moment led to Nicole’s and my sharing a less-than- chaste kiss after our routine, but we behaved ourselves the rest of the morning, and acted open and friendly toward anyone who wanted to come talk to us.

“And now for the awards ceremony,” came the announcer’s voice. The girls we were sitting with hurried to return to their squads while Jennifer and I moved to rejoin ours. We patiently listened as they listed off various awards like best stunt, best flyer, outstanding leadership. There was a pause though. The announcer turned to whisper something to one of the judges, who smiled and nodded.

“Well, this is highly unusual. Ladies and gentlemen, these next two awards go to the same young lady. For Most Spirited and Most Encouraging, Robin Smith, of the Alpine Springs Northside High School Lady Tigers!”

I couldn’t believe what I had just heard. My jaw dropped, and I stood there, unable to move. Victoria and Chelsea each nudged me forward, but my legs felt numb as I slowly approached to accept the two awards. The announcer shook my hand as he smiled.

“Congratulations,” he spoke warmly.

Coach Greer was waiting with the team when I returned. She smiled as she hugged me. “Congratulations Robin!”

“But… I… How?”

She laughed. “You and that girlfriend of yours. The judges aren’t just sitting at that table, sweetie. They put them in the crowd and out amongst you waiting in the wings, disguised as members of the staff or attendees. From what I gather they liked the way you were so respectful to your fellow cheerleaders, even when some of them weren’t extending the courtesy to you in return.”

“It’s like the girls kept telling me — we’re ambassadors for our school. I’m proud of Nikki, and I love her to death. I just wanted to show them that our relationship doesn’t define me any more than this uniform does — it’s just part of a whole.”

~oOo~

We didn’t win first place, not surprisingly. There were other mistakes in our routine, and it just wasn’t as polished as it could be, but we got a copy of the technical notes from the judges so we could work on it. And I wasn’t the only one to receive individual awards. Sasha got an award for technique, and Chelsea, not surprisingly, took home an individual award for vocal projection.

As we sat on the bus, gossiping and giggling, I couldn’t help finding myself just joining right in with the others. At one point during a lull in the conversation, Sasha reached out to squeeze my hand, and smiled. “I’m really proud to be your squad-mate. Did you mean what you said before, about what we told you I mean?”

I nodded quickly. “Every word. I’m not embarrassed that I’m dating a girl, I just don’t want people to see me, and see a stereotype there. I want them to see me for who I am, to see Nikki for who she is, and to see the rest of you for who you are, who I know you all are, who I know I am. We’re high school girls with school spirit who care about each other and our fellow cheerleaders, just out to be the best we can.”

“Spirit,” Jennifer added, “It’s not just a pretty word.”

We all burst into giggles.