~* Girl to the Core! *~ “I know you trust me. It’s just that you care so much about others’ feelings that you’re afraid sharing your own will hurt them. But that’s what friends do. We share our burdens because it lightens them and makes it easier to enjoy the good times we share.” “Thanks Ally,” I managed softly, hugging her neck.

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I really appreciated what the girls tried to do to lift my spirits, and I admit I had fun just letting out my inner child for a short while, but I had trouble sleeping that night. My thoughts were plagued with nightmares of being discovered by someone and outed. I was a girl given the wrong body, and for awhile I had forgotten about that. I’d have a lot to talk to Barbara about Saturday.

I had just slipped on an emerald green knit top with my faded jeans when I heard someone knock on my bedroom door. Before I could open it, Allison poked her head inside and gave me a sheepish smile.

“Hey, how are you feeling?”

I approached and pulled her into a tight hug, resting my head on her shoulder. “I had nightmares all night,” I whined. She gently ushered me to my bed and sat down with me, still letting me cling to her.

“You’re not still thinking about that fall are you?”

I nodded meekly. “It wasn’t just a fall Ally.” I paused, sighing as I shook my head slowly. “Victoria almost found out.”

“What?! Why didn’t you say something sooner?”

“I was scared,” I whispered. “This has been building up for awhile though. Every time someone asks me why I have to leave to use the Coaches’ showers or why we can’t hang out and talk post-practices, and then when I fell, Victoria almost… caught me wrong, you know?”

“Oh my God… Robin I’m so sorry,” she answered softly. “No wonder you were so upset. I kept asking Jen why you didn’t just get up again, like you did at camp. Now it makes sense. But why were you scared? You know you can tell us anything.”

“It’s because I didn’t want you to worry about me. Things are going so well for you and Jen that I was afraid if I said something, it would only bring you down too.”

Allison shook her head, even laughing a little as she pulled me closer and kissed my forehead. “Robin, we love you. You’re like my sister. After everything you and I have been through together, you honestly believe I wouldn’t want to share everything with you? Remember the last time you had a really bad nightmare? I told you Nikki didn’t tell us what was going on, but the truth is, I didn’t give her a chance. Kelly came along because she was wondering what the hell I was in such a hurry for,” she added with a giggle.

I had to smile a little. “I’m sorry,” I whispered through sobs. “I’m sorry I didn’t trust you.”

“I know you trust me. It’s just that you care so much about others’ feelings that you’re afraid sharing your own will hurt them. But that’s what friends do. We share our burdens because it lightens them and makes it easier to enjoy the good times we share.”

“Thanks Ally,” I managed softly, hugging her neck.

She smiled back at me. “You’re welcome. Margie told me you were thinking about getting your hair done by the way. Not to change the subject or anything.”

I managed a laugh as I nodded. “Yeah. I’ve had it touched up, but I haven’t done anything major with it since my first date with Nikki. Can I ask your honest opinion?”

“Sure,” she answered without hesitation.

“Would you kill me if I dyed my hair?”

Allison giggled. “Why would I kill you if you dyed your hair? You’re not thinking of going blonde are you?”

“Oh my God no,” I laughed even as Allison fake-pouted. “No, blonde looks great on you, but I was thinking more of a dark auburn. I want to get a perm too. Margie’s stylist says that if I perm it now, then come back to her and get it treated in a few weeks, it’ll give me a nice, loose curl with the new color.”

“That sounds cute! It’ll really make your eyes pop too. I bet Nikki’s going to love it.”

“I hope so. I like Jen’s hairstyle, but hers is natural isn’t it?”

“Yes! I am so jealous. All she has to do is brush it once in awhile. It takes me an hour to get mine looking like this.” Allison paused to glance back at me. “So are you okay now?”

“A little, I guess. Saturday can’t get here fast enough. I’m going to talk to Barbara about telling the girls.”

Allison frowned. “I’m not sure that’s such a good idea, but I’ll support you. C’mon, we can talk about it on the way to school, okay?”

I smiled and nodded, grabbing my shoes. “Just give me a minute to do my makeup. I was going to dress down today, but suddenly I’m not feeling so blah anymore,” I giggled.

~oOo~

Saturday morning I had my first of two appointments with Margie’s stylist. I really wanted a nice, loose curl to my hair, but since I’d be dyeing it I had to work with a tighter perm for now. I thought about getting a proper manicure while there, but one major change at a time. I’d have to save that for Nationals.

I couldn’t help fidgeting as I drove to Nicole’s house. I hadn’t told her anything about what I was up to that morning, wanting to surprise her, but as I pulled up the driveway I suddenly wished I had a big floppy hat I could pull over my head.

Nicole bounded out the front door as I stepped out of the car, and I watched as she almost cartoonishly stared at me, her jaw hanging open. I decided to take it as a compliment and rushed over to grab her in a hug, kissing her softly. Like a princess in a fairytale, the kiss seemed to bring her back to reality. She smiled brightly and returned the gesture before nuzzling into my shoulder.

“Robin you look amazing,” she whispered before pushing me back to arms’ length to look again. “I mean… wow. I’m speechless! What’s the occasion?”

I shrugged a little. “I’ve been feeling so down about everything lately. Not just the fall, but trying so hard to be this perfect girl for everyone, trying to distance myself from my past, that I decided to treat myself, y’know? I needed a change, and Margie’s stylist had an opening this morning.”

“I’m normally not a fan of tight curls, but it looks so cute on you.” She paused as she sat down in the passenger seat of my convertible, giggling to herself as I joined her. “Then again, I’d say that if you shaved your head too.”

“So you’d be okay with me getting it color treated? I’m thinking of going dark auburn.”

“Oh, that’s going to look so good on you. Hey, did you get bangs?” she teased, playing with my hair as we pulled into the street. She added a moment later, “Are you sure you’re okay with driving to New Haven?”

“Yeah. Driving IN New Haven is another story though, but I think I’ll be okay. Are you sure you don’t mind coming with me?”

“Of course not. Besides, it gives us an excuse to cuddle on that big cushy sofa.”

“Like we needed one,” I teased. She laughed and squeezed my hand.

“I love you Robin.”

~oOo~

“That is an interesting dilemma,” Barbara spoke gently to the last fifteen or so minutes of my rambling. I nervously fiddled with the silver knotwork ring Nicole had given me for Valentine’s Day as I nodded. Nicole leaned closer, wrapping me in a much-needed hug.

“I just feel like if they find out by accident, that it’s going to be worse than if I just tell them. But if I tell them, it’s going to screw up our cohesion because it’s this huge secret I’ve been hiding from everyone.”

“Robin, may I be honest with you?” Barbara asked. She had a tone that every therapist should have. She knew how to set me at ease no matter how much what she said might have made me afraid if it were anyone else.

“Sure,” I offered in response.

“Is it possible that you still have fears of not being a real girl?”

I blinked at her. “What?”

She exhaled slowly as she set her notepad aside. She leaned closer, reaching out to squeeze my hand. “You’ve been working very hard this year. You’ve thrown yourself into everything you do, to the point that you’re going to exhaust yourself if you’re not careful. You try so hard to prove that you’re a girl, but who are you really trying to prove it to?”

Nicole smiled nervously as she added, “She’s right cutie. There’s not a guy in school who wouldn’t love to be your boyfriend, and more than a few girls who are super-jealous of you, but not one of them would honestly believe you if you told them you’re not a girl. Know why?”

I shook my head slowly. Barbara smiled. “Because you ARE a girl. If you look like a girl, walk like a girl, talk like a girl, and think like a girl, others will see you as a girl. Do you know who Marilyn Monroe is?”

“Sure. She was an actress in the … 50s I think?”

“There’s a story about her that once she was out shopping with a friend. No one noticed her or recognized her until she turned to her friend, smiled, and said ‘Do you want to see Marilyn come out?’ With a little mental adjustment she brought out Marilyn and suddenly everyone around them was clamoring for an autograph, shouting ‘Marilyn’s here’.”

Nicole grinned as she squeezed me close. “And it’s the same with you. Remember, Director Meredith thought one of the counselors was playing a prank, and that was when you had only been living as Robin for a short time. When I first saw you, I knew I wanted to kiss you, and I’ve only had that feeling for a select few girls, and absolutely no guys.”

“So how do I shift my mindset to ‘think girl’?”

Barbara chuckled. “Honey, I only told you that story to show you that you’re already doing it, and you just don’t realize it. There’s nothing you need to change other than to accept yourself as everyone else sees you. As a matter of fact, if I didn’t know you, and you told me you were transgendered, I would think you wanted to go the other way.”

“Wow. Really?”

“Yes, really.”

“So… What about my squad mates? I shouldn’t tell them, should I?”

“I would strongly advise against it for two reasons. The first is that they don’t need to know. There are certain measures you can take to avoid accidents like your fall, but you mentioned already talking to your friend’s sister Kelly about those. You also have to take into consideration that Nationals are a month away.”

“Not to mention Katelyn,” Nicole added. “She might take it the wrong way if she found out. Plus you’d have to tell Trent, and it’s really just better if no one knows, because it’s no one else’s business, honestly.”

“I guess you’re right.”

“You need to learn to accept yourself and not push yourself so hard. You’re a very hardworking young lady, but if you push yourself too hard you’ll only hurt yourself.”

“I’ll take a break after Nationals. I want to do the full two sessions at Girl Scout camp though. I know that sounds like more work and stress, but it really isn’t. Camp is my down time, like music camp is for Nikki.”

Nicole giggled. “Plus ‘Spirit’ is a minor celebrity there,” she teased.

“Thanks Barbara. I feel a lot better about all this.”

“I’m glad. Have you heard from your friend in Arkansas?”

“Not yet, but I’m not really expecting much. I signed my letter anonymously and gave it to Kelly to give to her sister, but I keep hoping I’ll hear some good news.”

Barbara smiled as she stood, and I followed suit to hug her. “Do let me know if you find out anything else that you feel comfortable sharing with me.”

“Oh, I’ll tell you whatever I hear. I think Kelly said they found her a good therapist, but that’s all I know so far. I’m honestly trying to put it out of my mind though because I know there’s nothing I can do.”

Barbara gave me a knowing smile as Nicole and I stepped out. Nicole grinned at me, squeezing my hand as we approached the elevators.

“So you really okay?”

“Yeah, I’m okay. Better than I’ve been all week, actually. That’s why I love her. She has this way of just… making things so obvious that it’s hard to argue, and believe me, it’s not for a lack of trying to come up with a good one.”

Nicole laughed and put her head on my shoulder. “I love you, cutie.”

“I love you too vampire,” I teased.

~oOo~

“Wow, you’re in a good mood today,” Tracy mused as the four of us entered the school auditorium Sunday afternoon. She surprised me though, when she stood to hug me. “We were all a little worried about you. I know falling freaked you out more than you let on, but I figured it wasn’t my place to say.”

“I’m okay now,” I answered truthfully, lingering while Nicole, Allison and Jennifer took their seats. “I’m just so scared something like that will happen at Nationals.”

“Hey, if you expect it to happen you increase the likelihood of it happening. That’s just human nature. Try to focus on winning. Think about holding that first place trophy and screaming our heads off.”

“You really think we can win?”

“I don’t want to get my hopes up after they canned the idea for our first routine, but I think if we don’t try to win, we shouldn’t even be there. Not saying winning is everything, but that’s how I motivate myself to try my best.”

“I guess that makes sense,” I offered as we sat.

Coach Greer stood to take her place in front of us. I thought everyone had arrived already, but I could hear the back door to the auditorium opening, and at least one person stepping inside.

As Coach Greer continued to lecture us on what she could and couldn’t get done so far, the footsteps drew closer until I finally couldn’t fight my curiosity anymore. I looked back to see Director Meredith and Alice. Alice wiggled her fingers as she realized she had been seen. I grinned and waved back at her before returning my attention to Coach Greer.

“So basically, I feel that an entire week’s celebration might be too much, but it’s entirely possible to take a day, maybe next Saturday to tackle a community cleanup project. The city parks have some extra funds budgeted to plant new trees. They just need volunteers. I’ve also found a nice plot of land that would make an excellent garden. Any questions?”

Allison raised her hand. “I have a question. How did you get someone to just donate us a plot of land like that?”

Coach Greer gave the four of us a knowing smile. “Well, you know the expression ‘Nothing is ever free’, right? The catch is that we have to clear the land. I’m going to have my husband and his friends handle the heavy, dangerous work, but the rest is all yours.”

She smiled, motioning for Meredith and Alice to approach.

“Some of you remember my sister-in-law, Meredith Greer, from Girl Scout camp, and if you attended last summer you’ll remember Alice Mason.”

Alice smiled as she waved. “Hi guys.”

“Mer and Alice have volunteered to help with the two projects. Alice is studying Biology with an interest in Conservation, and she wanted to talk to you about why conservation is so important. Alice?”

Alice smiled as she stepped forward as Coach Greer stepped aside. “Thanks Angela. I’m only in my Junior year, but the environment’s always been important to me. Some of you might remember my nature walks at Girl Scout camp last summer...”

~oOo~

“Spirit, hang back a second?” Alice called after me as the four of us stood to leave. I smiled back at her as I stepped closer.

“Sure. What’s up?”

“I wanted to talk to you about my sister. Well, no, I wanted to thank you actually.”

“Your sister?” I asked, confused.

“Yes. Kathy,” she paused. “Mason?’

“Oh my God.”

She giggled. “You didn’t know?”

“I had no idea. I mean she’s never mentioned it before. And you’re so different.”

Alice nodded. “We’re not really that close because of it. She used to think I was just so perfect, and we’d end up in stupid fights over it.” Alice sighed softly. “But lately, we’ve been trying to patch things up. She said that seeing the stuff you have to go through with Katelyn made her realize I’m not as perfect as she used to think. She’s just so self-conscious that she doesn’t realize what a smart, pretty girl she really is too.”

“Honestly she’s become one of my closer friends. We hang out at lunch all the time, and I really wish we could take her with us to Nationals so she could take pictures, but the yearbook’s already gone to print.”

“Yeah, but there’s still the school paper. I’m sure if you asked Angela she’d say yes,” she answered with a mischievous grin. I couldn’t help giggling as I hugged her.

“Alice, you’re a genius. You think Kathy’d want to go?”

“Oh, I’m sure she’d love it. Looks like the others are waiting for you so I’ll let you go,” she added with a grin. I giggled, holding up the car keys.

“They don’t have a choice. But I’ll talk to Coach Greer tomorrow before I ask Kathy. Hey, do you want to come hang out for awhile? We’re going out for pizza again.”

“Ohh, I can’t, but thanks. I have to get back to New Haven soon.”

“Aww, okay. See you next Saturday?”

Alice smiled, nodding. “Come Hell or high water. There’s still a lot I want to teach you guys about conservation, but I didn’t want to overwhelm you on the first day.” She giggled, waving as I turned to catch up to the others.

Nicole squeezed my hand as she bumped my shoulder gently with hers. “So, what was that about?”

“She wanted to thank me. It um... it turns out Alice and Kathy are sisters.”

Jennifer turned about, walking backwards as she shook her head. “Wait, you’re only just realizing that?”

“Well, yeah. I mean they’re just so different. But apparently she used to think Alice was perfect, until she met me and saw how much crap I’ve been through. And she doesn’t even know the half of it.”

Jennifer giggled. “Yeah, I guess I was kind of hard on Chelsea before this semester too, for the same reasons. But in my defense she never opened up about her feelings before either. Anyway, who wants pineapple on their pizza?”

Nicole groaned. “You are a pineapple.” I stared blankly at Nicole and she started to giggle. “What?”

“Not a thing,” I answered, still shaking my head. “Sorry I didn’t trust you before.”

Allison shook her head quickly. “I told you before, it wasn’t about trust. It was about you being afraid of bringing us down. There’s a huge difference. I’m still glad you decided to talk to me about what was going on though.”

“Pupukahi i holomua” Jennifer mused, but I interrupted her before she could give the translation.

“Unite to move forward, right?”

She giggled loudly. “You really were listening.”

“Of course I was. I told you before, I may not understand half of what you say half the time, but I do know that you’re usually right about these things.” I stopped, pulling her into a hug. “Thanks Jen. I love you guys.”

“And we love you too,” she answered with a simple, laid-back smile. “Now let’s get going before my stomach starts gnawing on my spine. I skipped breakfast this morning!”

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Author's Note:
Thanks to my wonderful friends for getting me through some rough patches these last two weeks, and for reminding me that being a girl radiates from within. This chapter's for you.

Love,
~Zoe