In the last day or so, the clicker thingie clunked over to 11 months so before Christmas I'll be at 10 years here. I remember it quite well. I was still very nutty from the divorce 2 years earlier, and being on huge doses of VA psych medications for PTSD. I'd previously published some stories over on Storysite, when I was approached either by Sephrina or Cathy; can't remember which. I was very messed up and broken at the time and spending time locked up in a secure cell at the VA every few months.

Hi! This is my first post, so I'm a bit nervous. I have trouble putting my emotions into words, whenever I try I end up frustrated. This means I usually just bottle up my emotions, fighting to keep the down, to wear that fake smile that never reaches my eyes. I feel like I'm lying when I talk to others who think they know me, who think they know how I feel and in a way I am. They see my act falter and they wonder what's wrong, but I push them away. Even my family gets pushed away. They ask why I stay in my room all the time, separated from them.

Just wanted to give a big "thank you" to all those who sent me a compliment.

All your positive vibes helped me overcome my negative self talk, so yay for team Dorothy, and huggles for all!

well, I think all the pain I am getting in my hips and knees is spreading to the parts in between.

Last couple of days, I've been at 8/10 for pain in my left thigh, and 5/10 for pain in my right thigh.

this on top of being 9/10 in the hips and knees, and 11/10 in my private bits. (No, I'm not kidding. flashes of pain there so bad I almost passed out.)

Ah, well.

After two (more) heart attacks and several mini-strokes my absence from this site is hopefully over. I have pretty much retired from any form of writing but look forward to catching up with some of my favourite authors and their stories. I've missed doing that! Anne

On Monday, I got to participate in an interesting study on speech.

They put sensors on my body, and recorded me talking about a video, and what they created on the computer looks like a stick figure with my voice.

They plan to show this to people, asking them if they can determine if I am male or female based on my voice and the movements of the stick figure.

When they get their information, they plan to use it to help trans women pass better in terms of their speech and body movements.

I am very frustrated. After a pretty good day with only mild pain, I was heading home when I got a flashback while driving. Thankfully, I was able to keep control enough to make it home without getting into an accident, but it still bothers me that even after 6 years of working on this, I am still vulnerable to flashbacks without any obvious triggers.

Sighs ...

In a few hours we'll be hitting the road. Grover, Paula, and dog named Tink, but no cat much less one named Kalamazoo. Sorry, I get silly when tired!

This move has been hell. If someone can't help they should just say no they can't, not say yes with empty promises.

That said, everyone here at BC has been my personal miracle. Between GoFundMe and personal donations, you all made a difference. Perhaps more than any other our dear friend Cathy got the word out about our plight and made our move possible.

Haha. I not only got called Ma'am on the phone today... the prick talked baby talk to me when telling me how to do something techie! I had a good giggle with the other woman in the conference when both of us gave him hell for being sexist and insulting in the same breath.

A good day. My respirologist said my sleep apnea was well controlled. A doubly good day.

Dayna

I'm sorry - I just have to vent.

As you probably know, I live in Switzerland.

But I am English.

I have a few interests in the UK, and I have trusted my brother with looking after them. A job he has been doing for nearly 20 years now.

I have today had a shock and a surprise.

It looks like my brother has ripped off my sister and I to the tune of about £10,000 to £12,000.

Today, I saw a tiny toddler decide to "help" clean up the store. She took a training potty that had fallen on the floor (the thing was almost as big as she was) and put it back on the others of the same color.

I so wanted to give her a gold star and make her an honorary cleaner ...

One of the worst things about mental illness is the stigma attached.

I mean, most people would probably rather say they needed to miss work due to explosive diarrhea than admit they're struggling with say depression.

Well, I am going to fight against that right now.

Today was not a good day. I got triple-teamed by depression, PTSD, and gender dysphoria. (Not to mention physical pain).

I pretty much felt like I was getting my butt kicked the whole shift, so I am really glad to put the day to bed ...

I got a nice compliment from one of the managers at work today. He said, "What i like about you, Dorothy, is you're always smiling"

Now wasn't that nice?

I'm not sure if I'm doing it right, if not the admin can remove it.

I cross path with a MtF today one time when I was entering the Place Bonaventure garage, and you where exiting it at 6 in the morning.

Please, no suicide intended.

For those of you who even care to read these blogs then watch and read as I explain what has happened over the last month and why I haven't been around as much as I'd like to be.

To start I guess I should mention a few things. First I was diagnosed with Parkinson's about a month ago. Secondly i'm mute(not deaf there is a difference) which means I can't talk. I lost my means of talking at 12 years old. This has been eating me up for a while and it drove me to the brink of suicide. It took a fellow BC'er talking me out of it to come to my senses.

Sometimes, I don't make the best choices.

Like today, after the church service, our "Affirm" group was showing a video on hate crimes and interviews with the guys who committed them explaining why they did it.

I should probably have known it would be too much for me, but I was curious, so I stayed to watch.

Yeah, that didn't go so well.

I lasted less than halfway through before I had to go and sit outside.

Fortunately, I have wonderful people at my church, and so I got several hugs and prayers to help stabilize me so I could drive home.

Well, I am breathing a sigh of relief. I got my physical done, and it did NOT have to include any invasive tests.

My doctor says considering my overall health, assuming my bloodwork comes back okay, I can skip getting stuff shoved up places I'd rather not be touched.

Whew ...

I wept for my father today.

See, I've been reading C.S. Lewis' autobiography, and he talks about his father a lot, so maybe that's why my dad came to mind today.

But regardless of the trigger, I wept for him.

I actually think this might be a good thing. I never really grieved properly for my dad, so getting this out of my system is a step in the right direction.

Or at least I'm hoping so ...

I am due for my annual physical, and if the last couple of years is any indication, I will end up being seriously triggered during the exam.

hugs, prayers, and good thoughts appreciated.

"Watch out for the Lady, Mommy"

That's what a tiny tot said, and in case you couldn't guess, I was the "lady" in question.

It may not seem like much, but every "lady", every "she", "her", or "Ma'am" give me a little boost that helps me a great deal.

You know how you can tell you have a long way to go in your healing journey?

When it's 2 AM, and you're holding on to a teddy bear and crying.

That was me last night.

I was triggered by a story that featured an idea I call "the magician's force". Basically, it's where you give someone the illusion of choice, but you've rigged the outcome beforehand.

I believe my abuser used something like that with me.

And so I cried for the seven year old child who fell into the hands of such a creature ...

Ah, well. Must carry on, regardless.

I've not been talking about it here, but I've been very sick the last couple of days, and ended up taking today off work to try and recover.

Hopefully, this is just a tummy bug, and I'll be right as rain in no time ..

As I watched all the little tykes who came into my store today, I found myself thinking about a story my grandmother told me. She told me that when I was a baby, I was a very happy baby, giggling, cooing, and smiling at everybody - until someone tried to pick me up, and then I would do my best to claw their face off.

I couldn't figure out why I would act like that, but now realizing I was perhaps borderline autistic, that behavior would make sense - Autistic people often cant handle being touched.