I'm sitting here totally shocked. I've been talking to Jaci and she told me that she's been talking to my mom, who apparently told her that she "didn't raise me as a boy." She went on to say she didn't force me to be a girl, either she just "raised me to be Dorothy." I really don't know where to put this piece of information. I'm ... just ... stunned ...

I would like some opinions on a question.

Should I name my fears?

What I mean is should I say here what I am afraid of?

My recent pregnancy dream got me thinking about something: When I was a teen, I had a gf and we had a mutual friend who later came out as gay. One day, and I think it was completely out of the blue, he asked, if one day we (me and my gf) were still together and decided to have kids, and if it were possible for me to have the pregnancy, what we would think about it. I said I wouldn't be interested, which was sincere but I also found the idea unsettling. He then mused that given pregnancy required massive doses of female hormones it would probably be a bad idea even if possible.

my last story didn't turn out as well as I would have liked. Would like to figure out why I'm regressing in my storytelling ...

I don't know exactly when it is that I gave up, but it seems very difficult to find that will to fight that I once had. It has cost me greatly: it has cost me health, freedom, and happiness.

Had a funny moment yesterday getting an oil change for my car. I was waiting in the lounge when a guy came in with a clipboard containing paperwork and a set of keys. He saw me, and continued to look around the lounge, and realizing I was the only one there he looked rather confused.

Finally, I said to him, "Is that for my car?" He looked at me, looked at his sheet and asked tentatively "T...Todd?" I smiled and nodded and he gave me the keys.

It seems clear to me that he saw me as a woman to the point he couldn't believe my male name belongs to me.

This spring or summer I want to go camping in the Oregon Outback and have found a place that is at least 40 miles from any urban lighting, on a plateau of some 5000 feet, in isolated solitude. In my youth, I loved amateur astronomy, and once had a small reflector, so plan to resume that hobby once again.

In the mean time, I must find ways to prevent any lights from coming on in my car, or cover them in red cellophane. Any camp lights I have must be red also.

It is really hard to say this. I am finished with religion, particularly the Mormon Church. I feel so sad because I actually believe in the Mormon "stuff" too. They have been really loving and kind to me and I healed of so much stuff and pain.

It has been a while since I've updated my blog. The second operation, which was supposed to repair the first operation, went much worse than my first. The doctor has literally ripped me new asshole. He tore two holes through the thin section between the rectum and vagina. For about a month some of my poots were coming out my vagina, which was not good. I was prescribed industrial strength antibiotics the day after surgery and did frequent follow ups. Looks like I'm through that part OK. Needless to say, it hurt (still does a bit).

When the system was being a little flaky, a number of messages and such were lost, vanished into the ether. So when I went to review the advice and such that I got, I found a lot of nothing.

I've been fully living as a woman a little over 9 years, but I know other girls here who have been at it for 15 or 20 or more years. Interestingly, if we aren't too self destructive, it is said that T girls live longer owing to the absence of Testosterone. I hope to see that played out in some of you.

Those who know me see me as this tough lady who is blunt but loving. A couple people that know me seem to want to take care of me and protect me, and I actually do enjoy and am thankful for someone caring about me.

Anybody Irish reading my blog? I have a story idea that takes place in Ireland, and I would love to get some basic facts right ...

I ran into another snag with my insurance company.

I'm trying to keep a lid on the "drama queen" stuff, but I do need to let you guys know I'm struggling keeping tears in check today. I don't know if its the flu I'm fighting, or the fact I think I strained something in my stomach at work last night, or the fact that I forgot I was supposed to go over to a friend's for supper last night and am beating myself up over it, or if its my hormones or if it's my bipolar thing, or if its a combination of the above, but I'm not doing well right now.

All hugs, good wishes, and prayers are appreciated.

I love having long hair. I love the way it moves, the way it feels, and how feminine it makes me feel. Unlike many people, I never dared having long hair when I was trying to be a boy, so all of this is new to me. Maybe someday, the novelty will wear off, and I will be tired of pushing it out of my face, but until that happens, I am gonna luxuriate in my long hair, and be so grateful I took the chance on letting it grow.

I have a couple of question for my readers:

I am in some pain today, and its worrying me a little.

First, my right knee feels off, and I've had trouble supporting my weight (not that my weight is feather-like, or anything).

My brother came by last night.

Had an interesting moment at work last night. I was talking to a co-worker about the trans thing, and she told me that the first time I mentioned it, she couldn't believe it - I was far too feminine to have ever been a boy ...

Must be doing something right, no?

Well, Erin's little challenge has sparked my muse back to life. We'll just have to see what comes of it ...

I've been thinking about this for a long time, and maybe its time I shared my thoughts.

Its turning out that my gender is the easiest problem to solve.

So, as most of you know, I am in the process of moving. This means I dont have any interwebs access save for when I'm in school. Y'all won't be seing much of me for a few weeks until I get moved I to the newplace and get my interwebs back.

♥Jessica♥

Just saw an interesting commercial. It was regarding a drug proscribed for several mental conditions like ADD, and apparently it had the side effect of growing breasts on men. Why do I feel like this could be a story here?

I have been out of work since Jan 2013. Now congress dose not wish to continue to fund Unemployment.