I spent some time talking with my pastor today, talking about being trans, being a survivor of sexual abuse, where I am now, and my desire to find a way to give back to others for all the help I have been given.

A coupe of interesting things came out of it; first, she wanted to re-assure me that from the first time she met me she found I "radiated a feminine energy" so she had no doubt that I am a girl.

I had the day off and drove over the county border into Devon. The reason for my quest - see below.

So shit hit the fan today.

Amy's parents basically told her that I don't care for her, that I'm not welcome as Family any more, and that she will probably be cut off from her family if she doesn't leave me.

And by leave me, I mean they gave her a deadline of next saturday (2 days after the amniocentesis).

Fuck this shit. Fuck it all up. Fuck it out of the park, out of my life, into deepest darkest space beyond the reach of telescopes. Fuck it into the past, fuck it out of all recognition, break it, twist it, mangle it until there is no resemblance to its original state. Fuck it past its original state, into the primordial pre-fuckery that spawned it.

I am fed up. I just want someone to sort me out, because it is becoming painfully obvious I am incapable of doing it myself.

I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO!

Here is another poem from Kylie:

I could say I love you as much as the sun is bright
But it is much too dim

I could say I love you as much as the winter is cold
But is much too warm

When Dorothy wrote about a recently-resurfaced memory of hers, in which she shows off a dress to her mother, I assumed I had nothing that was even remotely comparable from my own childhood. Now I'm not so sure.

So as you may remember, I got a new job at the end of July and started on the 30th of that month. Well about 2 weeks ago, they told us that we had to do an orientation thing, where they could tell us all about our job, show us where everything is and stuff like that. Like I haven't learned where all the stuff I need is at after a month there.

Just an update note on how my health problems are progressing.

For about the past three weeks, or perhaps a little longer, I've had a mild sore throat. Symptoms: slight discomfort there, perpetual taste of old milk, intestinal bloating on account of the gunge draining down, resulting nausea and so on.

Last week I decided it had gone on long enough and went to the doctor. Cue loads of tests and a completely unexpected finding.

I wanted to write today.

I TRIED to write today.

Okay, I did write, a bit.

But not nearly as much as I wanted to.

I have passed all of he hurdles for Gender Re-assignment surgery. The VA did all of my pre-op tests and decided I needed to se a cardiologist to clear me for surgery. On the fourth of September I was cleared and now am ready for the 17th of September at 6:20 AM. My surgery will be in Bristol, Pennsylvania at the Lower bucks Hospital. Dr. Sherman leis (lease) will be performing the surgery.

In August of 2007, when I went to Thailand to have SRS, I contacted a Urinary Tract Infection, post op. Who knows how it happened. It is a whole new world when you cut your primary defense against such things off and make it a Vagina. You go from at least several inches separation between the tip of your penis, and your anus, down to an inch or two. Ecoli is resident in your intestines, and in males it is less troublesome than in females. I had contacted a strain of Ecoli that is antibiotic resistant, perhaps due to poor sterilization of the tools?

The sun rose lazily over the horizon, making the sky explode in a kaleidoscope of colors. Reds, oranges and pinks fought for dominance in the great pallet of blue. She stood feet firmly planted a long twisted dark road behind her and an uncertain lighted path in front of her. She remembered the words of one of her favorite authors since childhood.

“All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost”

I had my first radio interview and I hope that it went well. I gave a little shout out to Big Closet in my bio.

Tell me what you think.

The link is HERE

struggling with flashbacks all of a sudden. I wonder if there is a connection between being stressed for other reasons and how frequently I relive my rapes?

Since early July, I have been adjusting to the idea that it would be permissible, within my belief system, for me to have husband. It has taken considerable time to adjust to the idea. Eventually, as it all began to sink in, my eyes became crossed with delight!

Well, because I'm an idiot, I've managed to lose most of the hearing in my right ear.

On my birthday I quit my part time jobs with 2 separate Podiatric practices. Well, I tried anyway. I was told by each doctor that he would accept my resignation only if I would agree to come in as a consultant as needed but that I wouldn't have to work a regular schedule. One of them gave me a second job doing something I only did informally for him before.

I tried to go from 4 jobs to 2, but now it feels like 5. I guess it's nice to be wanted at my age... But, geez, guys.

Ole

I seem to have acquired a "voice" whose sole purpose is to make me as girly and feminine as possible. For example, when I am at work, and I see some item that's been painted pink, I end up having an argument like this:

"We should get that. Its pink!"

"Cant afford it."

"But its pink!"

"I have one just like it."

"Not in pink!"

"Its not even something I can use!"

"But its pink!"

And on and on it goes.

I blame Jaci for this voice. Its gotta be her fault ....

Darn. I messed up. I finally realized how. It took me a couple days, but I got there eventually. After trying my new breastforms on with every different bra I have, and I have several of different sizes, types, and brands, the reality is finally sinking in. I think I ordered the wrong ones.

There has been too much loss in the last while.

First Wren, now Holly ....

I'd really like it if it stopped for a while.

At least give me a chance to grieve.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #64: Just going away for a couple of months. Peace! To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

Hi, everyone. Will be away for a couple of months, so don't get mad, or worry if you don't see me logging on or posting for a bit. Peace! Sweetie and I are just taking some time off from everything, to recover from the loss of the baby. Just need some alone time. I'm sure you understand.

Imagine ... a little girl ...

yeah, she has a growth between her legs that has led to her being given a male name, but she's as girly as any girl born with a double x.