So yeah, since my last blog about how much things suck right now things haven't gotten much better. Since then things have been crap-tastic. We're still barely scraping by and being off my meds is bad enough without the extra stress of our living situation right now. I also had a bit of a medical scare. It turned out to be nothing, but it scared the living crap out of me So my mind and moods have been all over the place and not conductive to writing at all.

The other morning, the 5th of July, I was driving on my paper route and all of a sudden I heard scraping from under my car. At first I thought I ran over a garbage can lid. I got out of my car and some drunk guy starts yelling at me that I ran over his dog. I didn't see the dog then, I didn't even see the dog when I ran over it. I couldn't tell you if it was laying in the middle of the road when I ran over it or if it darted under my car.

I am really struggling with inexplicable anger right now. Honestly, I feel like breaking something, throwing something across the room and then stomping on it.

The answer is of course obvious. Great people.

Well, as my birthday wound down yesterday, my mother surprised me with a beautiful card for a daughter's birthday.

Hi everyone, I'm sorry for not writing or blogging. I thought yalls could do with out my constant (insert desired adjective). Well its been almost two years and I still have failed to secure a job, move out of the area I am in and worst of all I failed to live as myself full time. I still feel I am to weak to survive on my own and I have no family or friends that could help me out on this manner. Anyways I was wondering if my last job was blackballing me somehow. I mean I have had a few interviews and after that I hear nothing from the companies I have applied too.

Today, I saw a huge cotton plaid shirt lying on my bed, and it was obvious that it was a garment that belonged to a huge man. Was he the one in my dreams that pinned me to my bed and made me scream with delight?

It is quite nice having a make believe husband, because I can sneakily take his shirt and go out, letting other women believe that I have stolen my husband's garment.

And, when he comes to me in my dreams again, I shall conceal the fact from him that I have his shirt hidden under one of my dresses in the closet.

So, I'm at the doctors office again for another round of tests. My insurance won't even copay unless I have like a million referrals from every kind of doctor imaginable. I even had to see a neuroligist,I've alreqdy seen 5 therapists and specialists., -_-... actualy I hate insurance companies they are really annoying. And theyr only gonna co pay like 5%.

Well, I am moved beyond words.

At church yesterday, one of the ladies gave me a beautiful jewelry box with a set of earrings in each drawer.

I actually cried ...

My wife died last night in the Wesley Hospital in Brisbane, Australia. Her passing was as peaceful as could be expected after nearly two years of suffering with cancers of the liver, breast and adrenal gland. She had three sessions of chemo and two of radiation treatment, which undoubtedly prolonged her life but at considerable physical and mental cost. These are cruel diseases and it is a terrible thing to see someone gradually decline before your eyes.

When I was younger, in 3rd grade or so, I stumbled across a book in the school library. "There's a girl in the boys bathroom" or something along those lines. It was about a boy who turns into a girl by kissing his elbow. I absolutely adored this book and like every naive 3rd grader accepted it for nonfiction. I tried for weeks to kiss my elbow , every chance I got I was trying, in the bathroom, in the shower, at walmart, on the playground. I damn near dislocated my shoulder one time by trying to use the ceiling fan...

Well, good news - Kylie is still with us.

In the aftermath of this crisis, I found that during it I had received four separate comforts.

Well nuts ! I asked the Doctor to put me on some anti-depressant, and what a ride it has been ! Tunnel vision, single ear loss of hearing, drowsyness, and nymphomania. NOT!

or

Why I can't take Forced Fem Stories

I've just been up to the training for the Tour de France volunteers in London and while I was waiting for it to start, we were sitting out in the sun drinking tea or coffee and on the next table to me was a transgender person. Honestly, you can't go anywhere these days...

For those of you that don't know me, my name is Amy. I'm a 36 year old cis-gendered woman who is currently in college studying Social Work.I'm currently engaged to Piper.

I joined BC to give and get support. I also plan to write stories when I have some time. I may not struggle with the same demons you do, but I have my own I struggle with on a daily basis, which explains the username.

I think I understand Lady Gaga just a little better than I did.

Now, don't get ahead of me, I'm going somewhere with this.

Last night, I dreamed that my brother was dead. So this morning, I had to call him, just to hear his voice.

That's not too weird, is it?

If you are interested, I've found an interesting article on being trans and being a survivor of sex abuse:

http://www.firelily.com/gender/gianna/childhood.trauma.html

This is just venting, but I feel the need to put it out there so I can get rid of it. This just happens to be the venue I'm in this morning.

Basically I messed up last night and got hurt.

Well, I didn't wanna worry anybody, but I have been in a pretty bad way the last couple of days in terms of depression.

This is really important to me and I need a real answer, not just one that someone shoots out their butt. I am hoping that there is a psych person lurking here, please?

As most of my long-time readers know, I try my best in this blog to be as honest as I possibly can, in part to make up for the amount of lying that was part of my life before. That isn't always easy, a lot of the time I'd rather talk about something "safe" than bring out the tough stuff that's going on. Like, for example, discovering I did the double-look at boys, that was not easy to write out for public consumption, to say the least.

Sadly, I'm faced with one of those moments again

Well, yesterday, I got chewed out by my Human Resources manager because I hadn't taken any vacation time during my last year of working for Walmart, and she and my supervisor insisted on me taking it as soon as possible.

So I will be on vacation for two weeks starting June 8, but I have no idea what I will be doing with myself. I have no money for a trip anyplace, so it will be a "stay-cation", and it could be rather boring ...

Ah, well.