So, since my SRS in August of 2007, dilation has been painful and icky to the point that I eventually just abandoned it for like years!

Sometimes you really have to be careful what you wish for and sometimes things happen that you want to happen until they happen.

I just had a shocking conversation with my mom. I was on the phone with Jaci, and apparently my mom remembers me coming home from school in a dress at age 13 and doing a little twirl for her. For some reason, this is making me tear up ...

I seems like everyday is normal until your birthday comes along, and everyone gets excited about it. People celebrate it with you, your family especially. Right?

I've just a few days ago stopped taking the last of my sleeper pills and am feeling weird but OK.

I am feeling very sick right now. Good thing I have Jaci to make me giggle ...

Well, last night I had a bit of a breakdown/breakthrough. I was talking with Jaci (Big surprise, I'm always talking with Jaci, or Kylie, or Ruth ....) and I asked her if she thought I was a fragile as she had told my mom I am, that if I dont move forward toward SRS something really bad would happen to me. She said, "you've had several breakdowns talking to me on the phone, and they are getting worse. The last couple it took both me and Ruth to get you stable again. So yes, I think you're that fragile."

I'm sorry, I dont mean to be flooding you guys with stories. I've NEVER been this filled with ideas ...

I only remember today is Geekydee's birthday, because it is my birthday too. Makes it easy to remember that way

Well, I just had an interesting conversation with my mom. She told me that even before I was in kindergarten she worried about the fact I didn't act like a boy at all. So even if I hadn't been raped, hadn't lost my dad, I was still destined to be trans. Nice to have it confirmed by someone who knows me, someone who was there ...

Had a nasty flashback just before church started, but thankfully one of the ladies saw my distress, and sat beside me holding my hand while I cried for about 10 minutes.

Here is a pretty good video on gender basics:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXI9w0PbBXY

I had a dream in which I was taking part, probably not completely voluntarily, in some sort of medical experiment which involved creating a baby with genetic material from three different people, me and two women, I think. I'm not sure what the purpose of the project was, and I think the baby was incubated somehow rather than implanted in somebody's womb. Anyway, in the dream I asked the people in charge if I could breastfeed the baby myself, implicitly asking them to give me lactating breasts, and it seemed that the request could and would be granted, but I woke up.

My background check came back all clear so I had to do some paper work this after noon. Tonight, I get to go in and work on the computer, doing tests on safety, harassment and other issues and maybe get a crash course in the store. So wish me luck. I have been up since 6 am and may be up till 6 am when I get home.

So as a yay go me, I am posting a new chapter to Through the years.

Many people think I am always sweet and kind. Last night I was a bitch.

I'm Sorry.

Gwendolyn

So, I posted this to push the blog I posted this afternoon off the front page. In 120 reads, it got no comments. Hmmm. Well, I know some of you can't stomach my beliefs, or maybe me in general. I feel bad. It was supposed to be a funny, tongue in cheek, jab at life.

I came here, I think in 2001. I was in bad shape. Some here nursed me through lots of hell; 5 hospitalizations in the pink, padded room. Thank you. I'm better now; have a new life.

So, I'm gonna think about this. I'm really thankful to those who have gotten to know me, you're the best.

I saw this today and the information leaves me confused.

Cosmetic:

So, I've had an interesting week. I guess I should start from the beginning. I was hanging out with friends, and we watched pacific rim. after that we went out and had super nachos which is this big nacho plate. anyways. after that we broke up and it was just me and my friend who we all call Jacob or Jake. So we were driving around, chatting and the conversation shifts to high school and college. Basically, in my junior year, I dropped out got my GED, and lost contact with all my friends for a while. While growing up, I was trying to hide the fact I was transgendered from everyone.

Well I had interview #2 yesterday. And while talking to the nice lady, I learned that I wasn't the only one that guy forgot to set up appointments for. Heck, he even sent people who were there for an interview home, so they had to return last night. I think it went well and they sent my app onto store manager, so now the waiting game for her to call me.

Keep those fingers crossed

I stumbled into this tonight and had not thought that I would ever hear SSM discussed in Utah, AS IF. Well, there is dialogue going on. Hmmmm

Since I haven't posted anything in quite a few weeks I thought I would give everyone an update.

As some of you know, I have been looking for work and may have found a job that can work with me and how I really hate dealing with people face to face. I have applied for 3rd shift (or graveyard for you West coast people) GM (general merchandise) stocking at a Meijers near the house. For those who don't know, Meijers is a Michigan based company, like Walmart, but nicer to their employees, or so former workers have said.

I seem to have developed a selective form of social anxiety.

Well, the night before last I caught my foot against a pallet at work, and became off balance and started to fall. It felt like someone had yanked on my leg hard. So I went to the hospital to get checked out today, and it looks like I dodged a bullet and didnt do any damage to myself.

Still hurt, though.

Ah, well.