I'm trying to learn love. I don't think I've ever felt before and I don't think anyone has ever given it to me . what? passed for love in my family was nothing more than manipulation. It is hard for me to comprehend that someone can show me love without expecting something in return. I apologize for all those who are bearing with me as I learn . Just so you know I'm trying my best.

Just heard the verdict in the Steubenville rape case. As I feared, a slap on the wrist for the popular football players, and no justice for the victim. Trying really hard not to let myself get lost in anger ....

I must have "free advice-giver" written on me somewhere. Last night a co-worker who I've just started to get to know decided to unload about her long-distance relationship. Reminds me of high school when I had several girls who regularly filled me in how awful their boyfriends treated them ....

just finished the latest chapter of "Jem" which featured "TG PMS" - basically its when a trans girl like me starts feeling like a fake. It happens to me sometimes, and on bad days I wonder if I will ever be whole .....

Ah, well. I'm pretty blessed in this journey so far. The rejection and hatred I expected did not happen, and even those people who think this is a mistake have assured me that they love me anyway.

Had a very scary moment last night. I had gone to pick up Sharon, and drove her to her 2nd job cleaning a doctor's office. I was still kinda hurting and tired from my ER adventures, so I stayed in the car and figured I'd have a short nap.

Unfortunately, as soon as I fell asleep, I was partially woken up by something shaking me. Then I realized it was me shaking me - my muscles were doing this spaz thing like I was being shocked, and I couldnt seem to wake up enough to make it stop.

Just about finished a new piece. It starts off pretty dark, but for the brave soul who reads it all the way, well.... you'll see.

Had an interesting conversation with a girl at work. She described with great gusto her love for zombie-killing, and of course I immediately thought of my little story (which you can find here:)

Thanks to a story by Bailey Summers, I've been thinking about my dad. As most of you know, He committed suicide when I was 5 years old. They call it "depression" but somehow, it just doesnt seem to cover this total inability to see himself as a person of worth. He lived his last few years as if all the blessings in his life were stolen property that would be taken from him as soon as he was caught with them ....

I know this struggle in myself far too well. Too many days have started or ended with me feeling like I was getting an "F" in life .....

I feel very unworthy, very unloved, and very ugly today. Perhaps I need to realize that I will never gain acceptance and at best can only hope to be tolerated. Maybe I should give up on the goal of being honest with the world and with myself since it has been brought to my attention that I will never pass. The 1 thing that I don't want to be is seen as a joke or carnival sideshow.

Well, I finally got off the pot, as it were and got the forms so I can get my birth certificate, which is the first step in getting a legal name change. It had felt like such a permanent and serious step, it took me this long to rev up enough courage to go for it ....

just came home from church. Not only a nice service on hungering for God, but a communion service, and they also gave me a healing oil and a prayer. I also got a chance to have a nice long chat with the minister's partner, and she's really cool. Finally, I have a church I can call home ....

Had a conversation with a friend the other day, and she mentioned how I looked when I am having a flashback - my face gets flushed, tears form in my eyes, and I get this "I'm not home" look. For some reason, finding this out shook me, I dont exactly know why ....

Last night I had terrible pain in my privates. Nothing worse than hurting in a part of your body you wish didnt exist in the first place...

Kylie has given me permission to share this little back and forth ...

fair warning to all. My next story is dark. Very, very dark ....

I've always been a believer that much of the trouble we find ourselves in is influenced if not created by us. Okay, so I don't have much influence on the weather, the movement of celestial bodies or the government, but I do in regard to the things I do.

A bit of a tough night last night, the evil "tape" that runs in my head and jumps on every failure and mistake I make as proof of my utter worthlessness was running hot. I really need a more positive tape in my brain, but at this point, a loop of the Bee Gee's greatest hits would be an improvement ....

Well, I'm going to try and not spend time worrying about my brother and sister-in-law. they will do what they think best, and so must I. And what's best for me is to try and focus on the blessings I have, which my daughter is one of the best. I love her laugh especially, sometimes I say goofy stuff to her just to get her giggling, its such a sweet sound in my ears. As long as I have that, I'll be okay.

First off, I want people to know that I am feeling better. Yesterday was me going through some things that sometimes crop up. That memory has always been a part of me, but I haven't reflected on it in a long time and all of a sudden it wanted to be dealt with. When you aren't prepared for something, it can throw you for a loop.

I am back on track. I am loving my life and looking forward to a future, one that might even require me changing my name (both first and last).

I also have hit some milestones that I would like to share.

Probably going to the doctor in the morning. Please be good to each other.

Hugs,
Erin

Well, I went to my interview with Target, and it didnt go like I expected at all. I was interviewed twice by two different pairs of people, and then basically hired on the spot - I have a tentative employment with them starting the beginning of March. So now, I have a decision to make - go with them, or stay with Wal-mart?

Pray I make the right call here ....

So yesterday was not a good day for me in terms of my emotions.

In my first part of my blog I promised to post my reasons for choosing the symbol for Aleph Null as my avatar. I've taken it from a Novella to a short story by just skipping a jot of stuff, but it's still a bit long. So I'll post it here and leave a link to the original Blog.

http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/blog/42663/no-no-im-not-shouti...

How did you choose your avatar?