well, my cluster headaches have returned. See, just before I started transitioning, I started getting these mysterious pains in my face, centered on just below my right eye. Eventually they found out that they were "cluster headaches", sort of like migraines but different spot, and that they were stress-related.

They went away when I started my transition, probably because I took a serious part of my stress off my plate by living authentically, but I guess it was too much to hope for that they wouldn't ever come back.

Ah, well

As my life seems to be heading in a positive direction, I face a strange fear - a fear of success. I think its basically, that any situation you're in, if you're in it long enough, starts to feel like "home", and leaving "home" becomes scary, even if "home" is something horrible. So the idea of actually being a successful adult is kinda scary for me.

This is ... interesting for me to post, and a bit difficult. I don't share a lot of my personal life except with those close to me. However, this is a forum that would probably have more information, so I've reluctantly decided to post and ask for answers.

Been thinking about my brother a lot the last couple of days. Because I'm the kind of person I am, I can put myself in his shoes a bit, and I dont look good from that angle. I mean, he pretty much had to take over for my father and look after me at an impossibly young age, he did his best by me, and then after I got married and he probably hoped things were on their way up, I went and failed to pay my mortgage, leaving him hurt and having to clean up my mess.

I do not believe that I've mentioned this here before, but I've been using a series of subliminal programs to help me better myself in several ways...

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #54: To Wear A Bra Or Not To Wear A Bra - That is the question... To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

I read a blog here in BC posted just little while ago, and it caught my eye. I mean, how can it not, with a title like, "Women Better Without Bras." Right? And you don't have to be a boy for a blog like this to pique your interest. Prurient male curiosity aside, women would be interested in the blog, too. (See the post http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/blog/43836/french-study-women-..., by MITTFH)

Went to the specialist today. He is going to implant the defibulator at the beginning of May. Good news is it needs only one wire. It will be a one day surgery at least. My infarction rate is about 20% and is not up to where they would be happy.

Had a nice meeting with my pastor yesterday. After talking for about an hour, she said she wanted me to hang onto 3 things:

First, surviving what I went through as a child shows that I'm strong,

It probably doesnt come as a shock to anybody who reads this blog that I dont handle stress terribly well. Most of the time, between having gender issues, PTSD, and bunch of other letters that basically mean I'm broken, my plate is full, andthey are as much as I can handle.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #53: A Summer Girl's Four Epiphanies To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

Ma said during our last skype call a few days ago that it's forty-five degrees back home. Living in Manila for a while now, I am now more used to using Centigrade when measuring temperature, as opposed to Fahrenheit, and using kilometers instead of miles when measuring distance. So when she said forty-five degrees, I used my iPad and came up with 7.2 Centigrade. I told her it was 95 degrees here (which is 35 in centigrade-speak). It's so friggin' hot here! What I wouldn't give for a forty-five degree day.

Well, last night, my supervisor came by and told me she wanted me to motivate my fellow workers in finishing as fast as possible. I giggled, but she said she was serious, she wanted me to do this. I asked her, "Why me?"

She said, "Because I like you."

Well, what the heck could I say to that?

Well, last night, Jaci was talking to me, and she was trying out her "manly man" voice (and totally failing to sound at all like a guy, she sounds like a girl with a cold), when I started to .... chuckle. A little.

She jumps on it, and says I giggle like a school girl, which is totally NOT true, I laugh like a guy, I know I do ....

Isnt it great to have a friend who will tease you until you cant help but laugh?

I have not blogged in a while. My life has been complicated and I have been giving it a chance to settle down.

I feel like a tissue, I was used to further someone else's enjoyment and thrown laway because I was worthless.

I usually don't make my life's frustrations public, but sometimes it just feels like the world is working against you. To add to my growing depression and frustration at my inablility to do any writing lately (I have at least 5 projects in various stages of being written, but last night my computer's main hard drive had a catastrophic failure. I had just cleared the secondary drive to move stuff there to free up space, but it was late and "I could do it tomorrow." The loss is immeasurable and among the causalties were the "source" files of several stories.

Hi folks Just seeing if anyone is interest in me continuing Carla's journey, I have transitioned and am legally a woman and will start writing again Hugs Carla Bay.

Just got back from watching the movie "The Host". Its an awesome movie, I can really recommend it. Most days, I dont feel like I'm like Melanie the human female, nor like Jared, her love, but like Wanderer, a stranger in a strange land, wondering if there is any place she can really belong ....

well, not a good night last night. Any night that ends with me being carted off on a stretcher has to be considered a pretty bad one, and that was the case last night. I popped my shoulder out, and they ended up taking me to the hospital to get it looked at. I got off lucky, no serious damage, but I'm off work tonight, and on modified duties for a while thereafter.

On the other hand, one of my supervisors, upon hearing a bit of my life story, described me as being tremendously together, considering my past. So there is that, I suppose .....

Its my daughter's birthday today. She turns 13!

many of you may not be old enough to remember a TV mini-series called "Shogun". The series was interesting for one reason - when the main character finds himself marooned in Japan before Japan had much if any contact with the west, they showed the first couple of episodes without translation - no subtitles, no voice dubs, the Japanese spoke Japanese, and the audience was to be drawn into the main character's confusion.

It's going to take a few days to get back on line.

My wife was browsing the Lakeside Gardens catalog and spotted theses.

I finally had to admit to myself I'm scared to go further in my transition. I was talking to Jaci, and I actually started crying when all this anxiety and fear of surgery came bubbling out of me, and even changing my name legally scares me. Be that as it may, since its not likely that the Blue Fairy isnt likely to come visit me and turn my bits into their female equalivants, I have only the two choices - go forward, or live with what I got. And I honestly dont know if I'm capable of option two ..

Ah, well.

First of all. Thank you to everybody for the love and support, I love you all. So my appointment was today, and it was not what I expected.