Autobiographical

Under The Rainbow: Why the Perm Matters | QueerDispatch

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People sometimes joke about the perm.

Or ask why it matters so much.

The truth is… it’s not really about the hairstyle itself.

Over time, I realized something:
A lot of trans people don’t just mourn being denied acceptance.

We mourn versions of ourselves we never got to openly become.

I can still picture the girl I thought I would have been growing up:
floofy dresses, pigtails, bangs, braids, curly hair bouncing everywhere.

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the marks on my skin from my hospital stay are fading

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The human body has a remarkable ability to repair damage - at least sometimes.

For example, if you looked at my skin, you would hardly tell I had recently been in a hospital fighting for my life.

Even the place where they attached a hose to my chest to drain the fluid out of my lungs has been reduced to a small scab.

There is one exception. On my wrist is a long mark where they had to put tape on to secure an IV line that wouldn't stay in place because I was sweating so much

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I'm doing a poll, and I want you guy's opinion

I'm doing a poll, and hope I get lots of opinions

I wanted to figure out what stories of mine are people's favorites, so here is the poll. I decided that only multiple part stories that are not fanfiction could qualify, so pick one (or more!):

Between One Step and the Next: https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28016/between-one-step-a...

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Under The Rainbow: The Time I Didn’t Run

Hi everyone,

I wanted to apologize for taking Mother’s Day weekend off from Under The Rainbow. I had every intention of posting on schedule, but between family, the emotional weight of the weekend, and just being exhausted, I didn’t have the energy to finish the story the way it deserved.

These stories are deeply personal, and sometimes revisiting these moments takes more out of me than I expect.

But the series is continuing.

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found myself thinking about my stepfather today

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For some reason, I found myself thinking about my stepfather today.

I think I have moved past hating him, and now I see him is just a pathetic bully and liar.

Still have PTSD because of him, though, so I guess I just have to live with that.

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Just for fun, Dot's list of most memorable albums

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Just for fun, I thought I would share a list of albums that rocked my world:

Klaatu: 3:57 EST -any band willing to make a song about the sad love life of a theoretical particle ("Little Neutrino" ) is worth listening to.

Supertramp: Crime of the Century - my first exposure to the idea you could listen to songs about the worst feelings you have ever had - and feel better afterward.

The Police: Synchronicity - as someone who has tried to write songs, this to me is one of the best examples of taking really high concepts and turning them into banger tunes.

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UNDER THE RAINBOW: The Times I Got Caught...

Something a bit personal from QueerDispatch this week.

The latest Under the Rainbow story is called
The Times I Got Caught.

Before I talk about the time I didn’t run, I needed to talk about the times I got caught.
This story goes back to high school, to hidden pieces of myself, to a painful moment with my family,
and to the kind of words that stay with you long after they are said.

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overriding my manic mind

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So today we realized there were a bunch of stuff that hadn't been done around here since I went into the hospital, and since i was in manic mode, I decided to try and reduce the list a little.

I did pretty well, but at some point the manic fog lifted enough for me to realize i had pushed myself as much as I could, and for once I actually listened to my body and called it a day.

It probably doesn't seem like much, but I'm a little proud I could override the manic and realize when I needed to stop.

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I have to wish more carefully in the future

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You know, I feel sure that at some point as a teen I wished to be surrounded by beautiful women who want to take care of me.

Now that I am home from the hospital, I guess I can scratch that one off the list, but man, I gotta wish more carefully!

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Under the Rainbow: I Didn't Run From The Pink

Something a Bit Different From QueerDispatch: Introducing Under the Rainbow

A little while ago, I shared a QueerDispatch piece about twirling in a sundress at Disney World, and how one small moment of joy can say something much larger about who gets to feel safe being themselves.

That story helped clarify something for me.

QueerDispatch needs room not only for sharp political commentary, but also for quieter, more personal stories about memory, identity, survival, and the moments that shape us long before we have the language to explain them.

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Something a Little Different from QueerDispatch

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Recently, I’ve been developing QueerDispatch.

It’s a WordPress blog running on the same infrastructure as BigCloset TopShelf, focused on queer and LGBTQIA2S+ news, trans-focused coverage, and sometimes a bit of local New Jersey news too.

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Being out in public

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I met up with Mike (my angel) who takes Leeanna out into the big bad world. We first went out on short walks after dark only. Last year this progressed to being out in the day in quite out of the way locations. Then late last year going to places where the were a small number of people.

Last weekend, we visited a small WW2 Museum and a very busy castle.

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I managed to hurt myself - again

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So a couple of nights ago, while I was sleeping, I managed to pull my shoulder and my side so hard I was in intense pain afterward. I saw a doc, and get an scan done later this month, but in the meantime not much I can do but try and not strain the area again and take painkillers when needed.

Sighs . . .

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My spouse recorded The Today Show this morning…….

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She wanted to watch it as it was Savannah Guthrie’s first day back. Apropos of nothing, I was sitting and reading as she watched the show, and a segment with Terry Crews and his wife, Rebecca King-Crews, came on; she suffers from Parkinson’s and underwent a new procedure to treat her illness.

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"I messed up"

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"I messed up"

Apparently those are the words of an air traffic controller in New York, after a plane collided with a firetruck.

Can you imagine how this person feels now? To know one mistake led to death, destruction?

Well, I don't have to imagine.

I know, because I made a mistake that caused the death of an elderly woman.

I was working in long term care, and I and another person were trying to lift the woman using a machine called a Hoyer lift when I made a mistake, she slipped off, and cracked her head on the base of the machine, and died.

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Who knows where the time goes?

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March is turning into an odd month.

Three years ago, at the beginning of the month, I legally & socially transitioned. Two weeks later I had confirmation from the NHS that I was now legally female for health purposes (and similarly for HMRC re my tax & NI)

My daughter had been born mid month and she turned 25 recently.

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Huggleland - the board game!

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I had an idea for a board game called Huggleland.

In the game, the huggles have invited you and your friends to try and catch them in Huggleland, where everything is silly.

Dice, and pawn like figures to represent the players as they make their way around the board, with squares like "the exploding cream pie factory has exploded! lose 1 turn cleaning cream off of you!" or "Bad news, you slipped on a banana peal; Good news, you get roll again to see how far you can slide!"

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Weather Excitement

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Well, I had an adventurous night. Went to bed early, then was woken out of a sound sleep by the sirens a bit after Midnight. Very windy. Stayed up about an hour and a half, mostly watching Weather Underground on TV, and trying to get the weather radar on my phone to show current conditions. Things got quiet again and I went back to bed. Thunder finally started sounding in the distance. Still sleepy.

Hope other members had things as easy as I did.

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sometimes, I think I like making things harder on myself

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Okay so we got a notice a week ago about the owners bringing in another round of roach control, and since I was sick and mom had her arm in a cast, we kind of panicked, but then we got help from Mike and Carol's handyman and we were as done as we could be this morning when we thought they were coming.

Then I looked at the notice again, and realized they are coming on Thursday, not today.

I mean, at least we are ready, but we could have done without the stress, you know?

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bad news about my mom's arm

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got some bad news about my mom's arm today.

I phoned the hospital about getting her cast off, and was told we were supposed to have it looked at 2 weeks after she broke it, and either they forgot to call us or we missed the call.

So now, if there is damage in there, its been too long to do anything about it. and she has limited mobility in 2 of her fingers.

sighs, I feel like a complete failure in terms of looking after her.

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